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Stella the Cat Gives Her 2016 Major League Baseball Preview

March Madness is history, so let's focus on the baseball season so we can finally get some sleep.

Michael Leaverton  |  Apr 5th 2016


A note from the cat owner: Against considerable odds, my cat, Stella, successfully picked the Villanova Wildcats as winner of the NCAA March Madness tournament more than two weeks ago on this very site. She also predicted the Kansas City Royals would win the World Series last year. I regret to inform you that she now insists on covering all sports related articles on Catster. 

First off, let’s congratulate the Detroit Tigers right off the bat as the future 2016 World Series Champions, because I took a look at the rest of the teams three minutes ago and boy what a mess. There are padres in the league — men of the cloth — from San Diego. When do priests come to play? Priests never come to play. Perhaps if they gave confessions on the mound — God knows this year’s rookie lineup needs a confessional at the ready. But this isn’t a religion, this is baseball. Let’s get to the rundown.

"Seriously. ALL the birds." (Photo by Gina Cioli/i-5 Studio)

Some people think cats know very little about baseball. Photo by Gina Cioli/Lumina Studio

Baltimore Orioles

The Orioles’ starting rotation is a mess, says ESPN Senior Writer Jerry Crasnick , and I couldn’t agree more. Orange is such a difficult color. Every time I see an Oriole fly by I think it’s a Frisbee. That will be a problem on the field. Also a problem in my stomach. I would give anything to eat an Oriole and not another Frisbee. Let’s hope the Orioles make the playoffs and I get my chance — I mean we all get our chance.

Arizona Diamondbacks

On the one hand, new pitcher Zack Greinke is supposed to be an ace, and Paul Goldschmidt is a frontrunner for NL MVP after finishing second two times in the past three years. On the other hand — THEY’RE SNAKES. What kind of league doesn’t kill snakes? Do I have to do everything for the commissoner? Get it together, Rob Manfred. No cat is setting foot into a stadium when Diamondbacks are curled up in the dugout, even if one of them is center fielder AJ Pollock.

Toronto Blue Jays

One of the most fascinating things about the Toronto Blue Jays is that they’re from Canada.

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Another great game of baseball could be happening right now. Kitten sleeping on baseball by Shutterstock.

Miami Marlins

The Marlins have sacrifice and heart — and liver and other tasty things. The best part of any Marlins game comes during the top of the eighth when it gets to be too much for them and they stop struggling and die, allowing fans to rush the field and sink their teeth into them. What a great ball club. I think that scenario happens only during away games. Come the playoffs, I expect to see Marlins on everyone’s lips.

St. Louis Cardinals

Sneaky little team, the Cardinals. Never trust a player who wears all red and eats acorns. True story: For years I used to think the cardinals were just drenched in blood from someone getting to them before I did. You can’t imagine what goes on in my head. Also: Adam Wainwright is back in the rotation, which might mean something to some of you out there, but to me it just means that a third-rate thrower from the sticks is about to muck up whatever thing resembling a ball game the Cardinals managed to cobble together before manager Mike Matheny saw Wainwright eating dirt in the bullpen and decided to put him in.

Drenched in blood. Can you believe it? What a crazy thing to think.

The Detroit Tigers

The thing you have to know about the Detroit Tigers is that they can eat as much as 40 pounds of meat at a time, and their urine smells like buttered popcorn. This alone would get them into the playoffs, but what will lead our Tigers to their fifth World Series Championship is the fact that this year their urine also smells like caramel-coated buttered popcorn.

Seattle Mariners

Last year I wrote about the Mariners: “Great team. I watched 15 seasons of the Mariners catching crab up there in the Alaska leagues, and man if it didn’t get my appetite up.”

That has nothing to do with baseball at all!

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The bottom of the first inning. Kitten sleeps on baseball bat by Shutterstock.

Cincinnati Reds

The who?

Minnesota Twins

The who?

New York Mets

The who?

Cleveland Indians

You’ve got to be kidding.

Houston Astros

Is that a dessert?

Oakland Athletics

That’s a pilates gym!

Chicago Cubs

The who?

Atlanta Braves

You’ve got to be kidding (again).

Texas Rangers

That’s a TV show!

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Fine, but what street does the team live on?

Pittsburgh Pirates

The who?

Washington Nationals

The who?

Philadelphia Phillies

Sandwich!

Milwaukee Brewers

The who?

San Francisco Giants

The who?

San Diego Padres

Maybe put the confessional on third? Anyone who makes it to third has a lot to confess.

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Well, I think that covers baseball. When does the golf league start? Abyssinian in baseball cap by Shutterstock