Considering my cats prefer to sleep on the floor instead of their soft, fancy beds and play with twist ties instead of their plush, catnip-filled toys, I’m loathe to spend money on them when I don’t have to. This means I often avoid the toy aisle at the pet store entirely, because I’ll end up walking out with a skull-and-crossbones-bedazzled tie for Bubba Lee Kinsey and a feather toy for Phoenix, each of which will get used approximately once for five minutes.
If my cats won’t use the relatively sensible items I acquire for their enjoyment, they almost certainly would turn up their noses at fake testicles or a purr-detecting collar. Here are five ridiculous items that actually exist that you can purchase for your cats. Just don’t expect them to like it.
Available in a variety of stunning shades like sangria shimmer, drama queen, and electric lime, Color Paw nail polish adorns your cat’s claws with a durable coat of pure glamour, allowing her to scrape the litter box in style. Pop open a bottle of Nyan Nyan Nouveau, a fine red “wine” for cats, and you and kitty can have a regular at-home spa day, which is in no way awkward or depressing. The other cats might look at her sideways, but trust me -ÔÇô they’re just jealous.
If you’re worried about your cat looking "deflated" after being neutered, you might need to re-examine your priorities — neutering prevents unwanted pregnancies, spraying, and aggression, for starters. But you’re also not alone, hence the existence of Neuticles. These allegedly safe testicular implants are primarily used on dogs, but they’ve branched into the feline market to ensure your cat keeps looking and feeling like the rugged manly man he is. Caveat: Before purchasing Neuticles, each human customer is required to eat a 72-ounce steak in under 20 minutes while watching Sport Center with a gun in his lap.
My cat Bubba Lee Kinsey has a mad foot fetish. He especially loves my sweaty gym shoes and my boyfriend’s work boots, often falling asleep with his body draped over one shoe and his face crammed firmly in the other. This Sasquatch Croc-shaped cat bed probably smells like glue and rubber and will undoubtedly do to your living room what Crocs do to every outfit, but in theory it seems like Bubba’s dream come true.
As if the presence of a tiny, vibrating wizard in your lap weren’t enough, now your cat’s purr can stimulate one more of your senses with this fancy collar that lights up whenever kitty makes her happy noise. The collar also apparently glows at night to make outdoor kitties more visible.
I don’t know about your cats, but mine are not big on accessories; when I tried to get them to wear adorable Santa hats for last year’s Christmas card, they froze in their tracks like I’d just stapled their paws to the carpet. The mere presence of this collar on their bodies might be enough to keep them from ever purring again. Cute idea, though!
I am wholeheartedly on board with this one. Have you ever come home after a long day of work and realized your cats haven’t moved in eight hours? Have you ever wished they’d get a damn job already? These cardboard toys play on your cat’s natural affinity for boxes -ÔÇô “it fitz, I sitz,” and all that jazz ÔÇô- except these boxes resemble airplanes, tanks, and fire engines, creating the illusion that your cat is a productive member of society.
Manufactured by a now-defunct Japanese toy company, the Meowlingual claimed to translate your cat’s meows into actual phrases that humans use, like, "I can’t stand it." Its efficacy left something to be desired. There’s apparently a similar iPhone app available that has also yielded less-than-awesome results.
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About Angela: This not-crazy-at-all cat lady loves to lint-roll her favorite dress and go out dancing. She also frequents the gym, the vegan coffee joint, and the warm patch of sunlight on the living room floor. She enjoys a good cat rescue story about kindness and decency overcoming the odds, and she’s an enthusiastic recipient of headbutts and purrs from her two cats, Bubba Lee Kinsey and Phoenix.