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5 Ways My Cats Are Big-Time Thieves

My cats sometimes skip the small stuff and go right to hijacking my friends, hobbies, and sleep.

Angie Bailey  |  May 11th 2015


My cats are known thieves. Sure, they steal the typical cat-magnets such as pens, dinner rolls, and tubes of lip balm. However, they’re pretty adept at larger-scale thievery as well. I’m sure you can relate to at least a few of the behaviors in the following kinds of stealing — perhaps all of them. 

Here are five ways my cats are big-time thieves.

1. They steal my work time


The distractions!

Yes, my cats are big-time thieves, but they’re also big time thieves. Where do they get off sitting around looking cute and distracting me from deadlines? They totally know what they’re doing — you can see it on their ridiculously adorable faces.

“Oh, I’ll just curl up on top of your printer and flip my head upside down so you can see the luxurious fluff of my neck.” 

“Let me stretch across your lap and expose my belly, which I will not allow you to touch but will sidetrack your eyeballs for hours.”

“Wouldn’t you rather come over here and snuggle with me on the sofa? Look at me washing my little face and chewing my toes!”

Seriously, how am I expected to get anything done?

Thieves!

2. They steal my friends


Hey, she was my friend first!

Saffy hides when company comes calling, but Cosmo and Phoebe usually enjoy guests — and by “enjoy,” I mean totally hijack. I think they’re trying to make me jealous.

“Your friends like me better than you!”

“Your friends don’t let you fall asleep on top of them.”

“Your friends completely halt their conversation when I rub against their legs.”

Soon my friends will begin scheduling coffee dates with my cats, and I’ll be sitting home, friendless.

Thieves!

3. They steal my hobbies


A little to the left, please.

Do you think I have any sort of hobby for myself when my cats are around? Negative. They want to take over everything I do. And why not? I have some fun hobbies. I like to watch movies, play board games, and read. I don’t mind sharing these activities with my kitties, but I prefer not to completely hand them over.

“Watching a movie? What? You can’t see through me?”

“There were too many checkers on that board anyway. Now king me.”

“Chapter 3: I Sleep on Top of Your Book and You Pet Me.”

Suddenly I’m changing all my hobbies on my Facebook profile to “Petting Cats.”

Thieves!

4. They steal my sleep


Cosmo: “I’ll just be here under the covers, slowly taking over your bed space.”

Cosmo is my sleeping buddy. If he’s not in the bed when I turn in for the night, he soon arrives and begins un-sawing my logs. Ha ha — I like thinking of cats sawing and un-sawing logs, but, in reality, that’d be highly dangerous, and I don’t recommend it. It’s the metaphorical sawing of logs to which I’m referring. I know the cat loves me, but the kitty must love to steal my sleep even more.

“My body is way bigger than your head; hence, I require more of your pillow space.”

“How can I adequately protect you if I’m not plastered against you so you can’t move even an inch?”

“You need to pee in the middle of the night? Let me follow you because you must be ready to feed me. No worries — I can remind you that a snack would be nice. For me.”

That’s OK — I thrive on five hours of sleep (something I never said).

Thieves!

5. They steal my heart


Been caught stealin’.

Most of all, my cats are big-time thieves of my heart. Yeah, yeah, that sounds pretty darn cheesy, but it’s true. And you know it’s true for you as well. Steal away, kitties — I’ll never press charges.

Thieves!

Are your cats big-time thieves? Tell us about it in the comments! 

Read more by Angie Bailey:

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.