Guess what, kids? It’s time for your weekly cat slang lesson! We gather here each week to learn a new set of words from the underground feline lexicon called Fanglish. Don’t worry if you’re the new kid in class, you’ll catch up quickly. The only rule is that you can’t breathe a word of what you read. It’s like Fight Club, but with cats … and no fighting. Take any beefs offline, people. The first rule of Fanglish is: You do not talk about Fanglish. Capiche?
There’s a good reason for all the secrecy, my friends. Throughout history, cats have privately used this slang language, and humans have been none the wiser. They’d like to keep it that way, and we want to keep our kitties happy. Plus, who wants to face the wrath of a cat whose secret has been discovered? Not me.
There’s a cute little feline informant who brings me the new list of Fanglish terms each week. He’s risking his neck by delivering this information, but he’ll do pretty much anything for a bag of treats, especially chicken varieties. I think he’s kind of a junkie, but I don’t mind contributing to his treat habit because I really want to know these words. Plus, I don’t think chicken treats are going to land him in detox or anything … at least I hope not! I might go into withdrawal without my weekly Fanglish fix!
This week’s theme is all about household appliances, and a cat’s relationship to them. In general, cats have never been the biggest fans of household appliances. Many of these machines make loud sounds, and kitties are often startled when humans press the “on” switch on one of these monsters. Of course there are a few cats who don’t mind the noise and go about their business when we use these objects of convenience. These cats are especially skilled at the art of ignoring humans. You might know one or three.
Let’s get on with this week’s lesson. We sure don’t want our cats catching us reading up on their hush-hush business.
A cat’s feeling of certain doom when she hears a blender operating.
“The Lady made a banana smoothie for breakfast, and Taffy thought it was the blend of the world.”
Air from a hair dryer that is directed toward a cat.
“Miss Bootsy found herself trapped in the bathroom during an air raid.”
The final resting place for toys batted underneath the refrigerator.
“Marshmallow was heartbroken when his favorite jingle ball crossed under the rainbow fridge.”
A dishwasher that houses clean cat-food dishes.
“Leif saw The Man walk into the kitchen and assumed he was going to reach inside the dish-on-demand and then feed him.”
The buzzing of a microwave, followed by a human feeding herself.
“Puffy wanted treats, but The Lady concentrated on the buzzfeed in the kitchen.”
The transformation of cold-to-warm clothes after they’ve tumbled in the dryer.
“Lou Lou saw the laundry basket and hoped there had been a clothing alteration.”
A human man who frequently uses a loud food-mixer.
“Precious was startled out of her nap when Sir Mix-a-Lot decided to make a red velvet cake.”
Causing ridicule of a sewing machine that a human uses to create clothing for cats.
“Noodles awoke to find The Lady at her sewing table with mouse-patterned fabric and thought the whole situation was sew ridiculous.”
A startled jump as a human begins running a loud appliance.
“Winky had an unexpected jump-start when The Man began vacuuming the stairs.”
Lying stuff, refusing to move from a resting place on an ironing board.
“The Lady needed to iron her linen pants, but Abby was board stiff.”
A cat’s thought when he hears the roar of a vacuum cleaner.
“The Lady turned on the vacuum cleaner and Peanut thought, “Hoover, damn!” and dove under the bed in the guest room.”
Completely unprepared for the abrupt popping-up of bread from a toaster.
“Juicy Juice was bready-or-not when The Man’s pumpernickel sprung from the toaster slots.”