Friday came fast, didn’t it? I’m sure you’re as excited as I am for our weekly cat slang lesson. Fanglish, a secret language of the worldwide cat community, has been used underground until recently, when a feline informant came forward to share it with us. Well, he shares it with me and I pass it along to you. You see, he’d be in mega trouble if other cats knew he was revealing these lessons to humans. I don’t want to involve you in this delicate situation, so we’ll just say he imparts the Fanglish vocabulary to me. I’m confident you’ll keep this from your cats. I trust you. Completely. And as long as I keep bringing the cat treats, my informant will keep me — and us — in Fanglish.
Cats are obsessed with human food, so it’s a good basis for a lesson. A truckload of Fanglish terms covers this subject, but we humans would be overwhelmed if we got all of them at once, so we get a small bite. Plus, the one bag of treats buys me only 14 words and phrases. That’s okay, though — it gives us something to look forward to for future lessons.
If you’re ready, we’ll move on to the cat slang at hand. Ready? I knew you were. Here we go!
Licking the drippings from a used pan in the kitchen sink.
“The Man walked the dog after dinner, so Molly did a little pan-handling.”
A move toward a bowl of human food.
“Frankie broke her record by making her third bowling strike of the morning.”
A cat running away with a dinner roll.
“The Lady moved the basket of crescent rolls to the top of the refrigerator because Bitsy was a known roller coaster.”
Feline tongue indentations created by licking.
“The Man knew Fritzy had visited his ice cream bowl because he saw the telltale tongue and groove marks.”
Smelling and/or licking a stick of butter.
“Lou looked forward to holiday baking because there was always ample time for buttering up.”
Jumping on a kitchen or dining room table that’s filled with human food.
“While the family cleared the dinner dishes, Kiki found an opportunity for tabling motion.”
Drinking milk from the bottom of a cereal bowl.
“Eunice saw The Man place his cereal bowl on the kitchen counter and felt the urge to start milking it.”
The entertainment of watching a human eat her food.
“Sascha finished her own dinner and then wandered to where The Lady was eating to enjoy a little dinner theater.”
The clinking of plates, making a cat believe he’s about to receive food.
“Morris heard The Lady unload the dishwasher and assumed the shifting plates were his signal to look for his dinner.”
A layer of food crumbs on the kitchen floor.
“Horace could never say no to a nice crumb topping.”
A human’s plate that contains scraps and lickable spots.
“Tiger smelled the gravy on the kitchen table and immediately slid into home plate.”
Desired a bite of a human’s sweet dessert.
“After The Lady baked a cheesecake, Paunchy felt completely desserted.”
The belief that the food a human prepares is for oneself.
“Leroy smelled The Man cooking a grilled cheese sandwich and was overtaken with consumption assumption.”
Swatting a piece of chicken that was dropped onto the floor.
“The Man’s young niece visited for dinner, which meant lots of fowl play for Hector.”
That’s it for this week, friends! See you next week for a new list of Fanglish. Until then, study up and keep your lips zipped!