Grooming: Cats are masters of it. They’re naturally tidy beings who enjoy that feelin’ fresh vibe. They usually take care of this detail work themselves, although sometimes humans, other cats, or (gasp!) dogs step in to assist. It just so happens this week’s fine collection of top-secret cat slang is all about the feline grooming experience.
As usual, my feline informant was more than happy to add to our ever-increasing list of Fanglish cat-slang terms — mostly because I give him a bag of king-size treats in exchange for the underground lingo. The worldwide cat community frowns upon humans knowing anything of their slang, and my informant risks excommunication by violating the law of the cat land. This is why it’s critical we humans take in the Fanglish and then never speak of it. We don’t want to get anyone in trouble, but we also must remain on top of all things cats. The minute they’re more than a few steps ahead of us, we’re really in trouble.
Buckle up — here’s this week’s Fanglish!
A brushing session with an unwilling cat who thinks he’s going to die at any moment.
“Snowball bunny-kicked The Lady during the brush with death.”
The game in which a human dares to brush a cat’s teeth without incurring scratches or bites.
“The Lady grabbed the kitty toothbrush and Moose knew she was ready for a game of Tooth and Dare.”
Disinterested while getting groomed by another cat.
“Misty fell asleep, groom and bored, while Pepper continued to clean her ears.”
Licked by a dog.
“Peaches awoke to find herself getting hounded by Mr. Poochy Pants.”
A cat’s tiredness from fighting a human who’s attempting to blow-dry her fur.
“Juniper gave up in sheer dryer exhaust while The Lady blew warm air on her Persian coat.”
A cat who’s bathed under a tub or sink faucet.
“Roxie rolled around in something putrid, resulting in a half-hour as Furrah Faucet.”
An extra meal or treats given to a cat after an especially horrific grooming appointment.
“Fuzzball returned from the groomer in a complete tizzy, so The Lady offered her a groom’s dinner.”
Cleaning a kitten.
“Bitsy found one of her babies curled up with the dog, and immediately began grooming kit.”
A clump of dried poo stuck to the fur of a cat’s rear-end.
“Licorice squirmed while The Lady carefully removed his dingleberry patch.”
Smacking a human who’s attempting to trim a cat’s claws.
“The Man grabbed the nail clippers, and Pedro prepared to claw-ber him before they even began the grooming session.”
That’s all for now. I hope you enjoyed this week’s selection of Fanglish cat-slang. Please remember to commit this list to memory and avoid eye contact with your cats for the rest of the day … you know, in case they saw you reading this post. We cannot be too careful, friends.
Do you have any additions to the Fanglish dictionary? Share them in the comments!
Read more by Angie Bailey:
About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.