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5 Ways I Wish My Cats Were More Like My Teenagers

If my cats could feed themselves and, say, perform in Shakespeare in the Park, I'd be quite amused.

 |  May 15th 2014  |   2 Contributions


Last month, I wrote about the things I wish my cats would have taught my young children. Now that my kids are older and more self sufficient, I've been thinking about the ways I wish my cats possessed some their human abilities. Don't get me wrong -- I love everything about my furry kids, but how cool would it be if they could feed themselves? Seriously! Don't even tell me you don't think that would be pretty sweet.

Aside from the self-feeding ability, here are a few more of the ways I wish my cats could be more like my human kiddos.

1. Chores

Ben also wishes the cats could share chores.

Sure, getting kids to do chores can be a little like pulling teeth. Heck, getting me to fold laundry is sometimes like performing my very own root canal. No one really likes household chores; however, it's a part of being in a family and pitching in to keep the place in order. Cats are a part of the family, right? How great would it be if they could mop a floor or scrub a toilet? Nah, they'd rather just sit around and watch us clean the house. Lazy bums. 

2. Flush poop 

Here I am, wishing Cosmo could flush his own poo.

Cats are way easier to toilet train than small children, but once human kids get the hang of it, they're pros in the ways of the potty. I think it'd be fantastic if cats got to the point of efficiently using the facilities and then flushing their own poop 'n' pee. I know some people train cats to use the toilet, and I've even seen videos of kitties flushing their "stuff." Somehow I can't see my cats taking part of any of that business. A girl can dream, though. And I'd love nothing more than seeing one of my cats sitting on the porcelain throne reading a copy of People magazine. How cute would that be? Very.

3. Bring me things

Phoebe is unable to bring me the laundry basket.

I'm sometimes busy -- or lazy -- and ask one of my children to bring me a glass of water, a book or perhaps a basket of laundry to fold. I'm grateful for their servitude, albeit occasionally snarky. My cats have all the snark without any of the servitude. If I were to ask Phoebe to bring me a basket of laundry so I could fold clothes (aka perform my own root canal), what do you think would happen? I don't even have to write it because you know exactly what would happen. Still, I think it would be awesome if my cats could bring me things. I suppose there's only so much room for laziness in one house, and the cats have cornered that market.

4. Extracurricular activities

I want to see my cats in plays.

My kids have always been involved in the arts. They've performed in plays, bands and displayed their visual art in public shows. I love attending these events as a proud parent. Of course I'm also proud of my kitties, but mostly for properly using the scratcher and "hunting" small catnip toys. I think it would be beyond spectacular to see my cats performing in something like Shakespeare in the Park. Antony and Cleocatra? Ha, more like Comedy of Errors. Still, I want it to happen. So much.

5. Feed themselves

Phoebe: "How about you make me something?"

My teenagers have gotten pretty adept at providing for themselves in the kitchen. My son has crowned himself The King of Scrambled Eggs, and he really is. He'd eat them three meals a day if he could. I'm not complaining -- he could be The King of Funyons. Really, it's not that big of a deal feeding my kitties, but it would be super nice to be able to sleep in once in a while without hungry kitties circling the bed. I suppose I could ask The King of Scrambled Eggs to get out of bed and feed the cats, but that might be another self-administered root-canal situation. I'll just do it myself.

Do you sometimes wish your cat kids were more like your human kids? Tell us about it in the comments!

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About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in a comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food. 

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