I read somewhere that, if you die, a good friend would erase your online browsing history. This is probably true, although I don’t look at too many inappropriate sites. And I’d be dead anyway, right? So why would I care? I may get an afterlife chuckle watching friends and family sleuthing through the final sites I’d visited. To their disappointment, they’d probably just see a whole lot of Facebook, email, cat-related websites and WebMD (I’m a little bit of a hypochondriac).
Cats are so sneaky and curious — I’m certain they’d be all over the Internet the minute we walked out the door. And most would be sure to erase their browsing history, lest we discover their clandestine goings on. Mittens the texting cat, however, would certainly forget or find himself contracting a Trojan virus. And then he’d find some way to blame his human.
Here are five reasons your cat would erase his online browsing history, because, of course, humans are killjoys who want cats to have absolutely no fun.
In general, cats don’t like meeting new cats. They hiss, walk backward and generally act like nut cases. Online, they could meet cats without all that in-person nonsense. They’d love chat rooms and enjoy connecting with others who like to chase ballpoint pen caps and make biscuits on freshly-laundered fleece blankets. Long-distance romances may even develop! “What are you wearing?” “Pink nail caps … and nothing else.” Meee-ow!
Cats may find themselves clicking on pop-up ads that would transport them to racy sites, where they’d find photos of Sphynx cats in suggestive positions and Siamese kitties with come-hither looks. They might spend several hours on sites like these, but it won’t be their fault … humans should really disable pop-ups.
First they’d pilfer your credit card number, then they sign onto PetSmart or the like and charge it up! They’d place orders for their favorite treats, fancy cat food with lots of gravy and catnip toys galore. They’d always make sure it’d be delivered while you’re at work. Then they’d invite friends over for a secret soiree. Sooner or later they’d be busted, but the gorge-fest would make it all worthwhile.
If your cat had access to your Facebook account, he’d immediately delete all the “cute” photos you’d posted of him. How cathartic to get rid of those pics in Santa hats and sailor suits! Then he’d probably post a bunch of embarrassing photos of you and tag the hell out of every one. Again, your fault. You really should permanently delete photos you want to remain unseen by other eyes. And before he logged off, he’d create a special status line for you: “I’m a giant poop head and my cat is awesome.”
Email access would offer cats all sorts of opportunities to mess with humans. They could log in with your username and email the vet to cancel appointments, and then they’d message Grandma to come over and bring tons of cat treats. And if the person you were dating was obviously not a cat person, they would take care of that “problem” with a couple of biting emails that appeared to originate from you. See ya later, sucker! And if caught, your cat would ask for a giant thank-you from you.
What kind of sites would your cat visit? Tell us about it in the comments!
About the Author: Angie Bailey is a goofy girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.
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