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5 Reasons Why I Shouldn't Be a Dog Mom

I like most dogs, but mine would go unbathed and I'd never pick up their (human-looking) poop.

 |  Apr 8th 2014  |   55 Contributions


I like dogs, really I do -- I like other people's dogs. I know some people don't like the labels "dog person" or "cat person," but I really have to say I'm a certifiable cat person.

Perhaps one of the reasons for my affinity toward cats is because I grew up with them. As a child, I never had a close relationship with a dog. And I was attacked by a German Shepherd when I was five years old, leaving me with a lifelong fear of big dogs. I've met some very nice big dogs, but in my mind, they're unpredictable. They're stronger than I am and could chew my face off at any given time. I know that's very unlikely, but it's always somewhere in the back of my mind.

Enjoying a moment with my "husband."

My sister used to have a Chihuahua named Spanky. He was the only dog I can honestly say I absolutely adored. He was kind of cat-like and one hell of a sweet little pooch. He was small and perhaps that made a difference. And unlike other Chihuahuas, he wasn't overly yippy. He was just an all-around sweetheart of a dog. In fact, I called him my "husband." Spanky passed away a couple of years ago, and our whole family seriously misses that little guy.

Not only do I not especially enjoy spending time with most dogs, I honestly think I'd be a terrible dog-mom, and I'm not even kidding. Here are five reasons why:

1. Dog smell

Cat-huffing is my favorite.

I know dogs can have a pretty "doggy" smell and require regular baths. I think I must have super-porous skin because no matter how many times I wash my hands after petting a dog, my hands still smell like pooch.

Here's the thing: If I were a dog-mom, my dog would stink all the time because I don't want to bathe dogs. There are a bazillion other things I would rather do than get in the tub with a sudsy canine and scrub the stink off him. 

Also, I enjoy cat-huffing, and I'd never be able to huff a dog. See, instead of washing dogs, I could be huffing cats.

2. Training

"WHAT do you want us to do? You're funny."

Dogs require training -- like big-time, serious training. There are puppy-training classes everywhere, and following through with what you've learned is a pretty major commitment. It requires mega consistency to ensure a dog is properly trained.

Sure, cats need some training. They need to know how to use the litter box, which turns out to be a no-brainer for most cats, and they require other attention to ward off undesirable behavior, like making sure they have adequate spaces for themselves, proper litter box situations, and scratching posts. But you don't have to take a cat to a class. That's laughable.

3. Neediness

"I'm busy."

We usually have to work for a cat's attention, and I don't mind that. In fact, it's kind of humorous. I'm an independent thinker and they are too. I can call one of my cats' names from a foot away and she won't even acknowledge me.

My experience with some dogs is that all I have to do is look at them sideways and they're all over me. I've never been one for neediness, and let's face it: Dogs are kind of needy. I believe that would annoy me. 

4. The poop scoop

I don't mind scooping cat poop from a litter box, but think I'd be pretty grossed out picking up doggy-doo off the ground. I know there are poop-grabbers out there, but still. I think it just looks too much like human poop. Ew.

5. I'm not outdoorsy

My friend's cat Tate and I enjoying the great indoors.

Most of the time I prefer indoor activities. It's impossible to be really indoorsy and also a dog parent. Dogs need walks and outdoor frolicking. I enjoy frolicking outside when the weather is perfect (like 70 to 80 degrees F), but not so much otherwise. And living in Minnesota means I'd have to be outside every month of the year, including January, when the temps are well below zero. My nose hairs freeze when I breathe. No thank you.  

Would you be a good dog-mom? Tell us in the comments! 

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Read more by Angie Bailey:

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.   

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