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If My Cats Were Humans, What Kind of Friends Would They Be?

If my cats were people, sure I'd want to hang out with them -- but sometimes in very small doses.

Angie Bailey  |  Feb 17th 2015


I definitely consider my three cats friends, but sometimes wonder what type of companions they’d be if they were humans. They each have distinct traits and demeanors that would easily translate into human personalities, that’s for sure. Could I see myself spending a lot of time with them, or would their quirks be too much to take in large doses?

Close your eyes and let’s visit Angie’s imagination for a few moments. You’ll be safe — I promise.

1. Cosmo: The obsessive one

Have you ever had one of those friends who just doesn’t give you enough personal space? That’d be Cosmo. He’d be the kind of friend who’d constantly text and call me — so much so that I’d start ignoring some of his messages, making him crazy. He’d post all kinds of friendship memes and images to my Facebook page, making sure all my friends knew how close we were.

Cosmo would want to hang out with me all the time, and would feel totally jealous of my time spent with any other friend. He’d stalk me on social media, taking note of every photo that tagged me hanging out with another friends. He’d be that sort of buddy I’d want to hang out with in small doses, because a little human Cosmo would go a long way. In a cat, however, the traits are awfully sweet.

2. Phoebe: The gossip

Phoebe’s such a natural chatterbox and continually wants to be up in everyone’s business. As a human friend, she’d be the one who’d corner me to gossip about mutual friends. She’d be up to date with all the latest dish about everyone’s personal life, and even embellish stories to make them appear more dramatic and interesting. I’d come to learn that sharing anything remotely private with her would be a huge mistake.

She’d also be the one I’d watch awards shows with, and she’d make commentary about all the dresses on the red carpet. She wouldn’t be short on opinions on just about any subject, and far from shy about sharing those thoughts. Again, probably a friend I wouldn’t want to hang out with every day, but she would be fun at happy hour and Oscar parties.

3. Saffy: The homebody

Saffy’s naturally lazy. She sleeps most of the day, but purrs more than any cat I’ve met. She’d be that human friend who’d invite me over to eat popcorn and binge-watch Real Housewives. She’d always have ice cream in the freezer and we’d grab a couple of spoons and eat right from the carton. Her DVR would be full 24/7, mostly with reality shows and Lifetime movies.

She’d also like trying new hairstyles, and we’d often do each other’s hair while dissecting the latest episode of The Bachelor. We’d never really go anywhere and order a lot of takeout — especially Thai food and deep dish pizza. She’d show me her scrapbooks and we’d discuss old boyfriends while we did our nails.

Geez — the more I write about Saffy, the more I realize how alike we are! I’m a total homebody who could live off of takeout, Netflix, and ice cream. I suddenly want Saffy to be human so we can hang out together. I want her to French braid my hair and give me a pedicure. Yes, she’d be a human friend I could handle in very large doses.

What type of human friend would your cat be? Tell us about it in the comments!

Read more by Angie Bailey:

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.