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6 Funny (or Gross!) Ways That I Describe My Cats

They remind me of cream puffs and cockroaches; welcome to the weird names I call my cats.

Angie Bailey  |  Feb 10th 2016


My cats are absolutely scrumptious. I spend a ridiculous amount of time examining nearly every square inch of them, gliding my palms along their silky coats and taking in their intoxicating fragrances.

I’d call myself a sensitive sort, and find I describe my fluff balls in ways that delight my senses and make me laugh. And yes, sometimes I find “gross” quite delightful. Don’t judge me — I’m sensitive!

Here are 6 funny (or gross) ways I describe my kitties.

1. Frito toes

Mmm ... corn chips!

Mmm … corn chips!

First of all, let’s get something right on the table: Of course, I know where those paw pads have walked. I’ve lived with cats my entire life and am well aware they spend a fair amount of time in litter-filled boxes that are landscaped with little mounds of covered poo and clumps of pee. Also, I’m sure you’ll agree it’s impossible to live with a cat and not come nose-to-paw every once in a while. To me, those paw pads are reminiscent of a freshly opened bag of Fritos. I’m not referring to the Chili Cheese or Flamin’ Hot varieties — I’m talking about the plain ol’ original corn-chip goodness.

2. Silken suit

And the ladies swoon.

And the ladies swoon.

Sure, tuxedo cats are called “tuxedo” for a reason. They look like they’re always ready for some fancy black-tie affair. My Cosmo’s getup is a silken dream. I imagine him sporting a shiny coat and tie that would leave onlookers breathless as he walked by. His pants would feel so silky that his thighs would effortlessly graze one another as he strolled the red carpet on the way to some exclusive premiere. The paparazzi would call him the “Silken Panther.”

3. Cockroach

La Cucaracha.

La Cucaracha.

I admit this one is mighty gross, but I can’t help myself. I grew up in the South, where cockroaches are a fairly familiar sight. The parts of the insect that always struck me were the shiny wings. When they lay flat against their backs, they look especially glossy. For whatever reason, when Cosmo is loafed and the light hits him just right, he reminds me of a cockroach with flattened wings. I’m grateful I’ve never come face-to-face with a cockroach of Cosmo’s size, and I think I’d immediately hyperventilate if he ever spread those glossy wings and took off toward me. Eek!

4. Drippy drool

Can somebody pass me a napkin?

Can somebody pass me a napkin?

I don’t know if I’m the kind of girl who makes guys drool, but it’s certainly the case with my man Cosmo. When he’s happily purring in my lap, the oral floodgates open and drool just happens. I try to grab a tissue so he doesn’t completely soak my clothing, but can’t always reach such absorbency. It’s wet, it’s gross, it’s out of control, and it’s part of the Cosmo package that I adore. He’s a drippy drooler.

5. Cream puff

Tasty!

Tasty!

Oh, Saffy. That girl has the floofiest belly fur this side of the Mississippi. One of the best features of the fluff the surprise factor. You’d never know she possessed such stuff until she dropped and rolled, exposing her creamy center. That’s right — my Saffy is a total cream puff. Every time I see her, I can’t help imagining the yummy center of a decadent cream puff. And then I have to touch the center, which doesn’t always work in my favor. Did you know that cream puffs sometimes bite? It’s true.

6. Fresh linen

Mystery fresh!

Mystery fresh!

It’s a fact that cats enjoy lounging atop piles of freshly washed and dried laundry. It’s also a fact that I don’t have a clothesline hanging in my yard. Therein lies the mystery of the clothesline-fresh smell my Phoebe wears all year long. Sure, I could attribute it to her naps in the laundry basket, but what about those times I haven’t done laundry for days? Huh? How does she naturally maintain that glorious scent of sun-kissed linen? I have no idea, but I’ll take it!

Are there funny (or gross) ways you describe your cats? Tell us in the comments!

Read more by Angie Bailey:

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.