Friday isn’t only the start of the weekend, it’s the day we receive our new Fanglish cat-slang lesson, personally delivered by my feline informant who prefers to remain anonymous. This back-alley lingo is closely guarded by the worldwide cat community, whose members like to think they’re poised for world domination. Hey, I’m not here to dispute anything that originates from the collective cat-mind, and you’d be wise to join me in that stance.
As usual, I exchanged a bag of cat treats for the weekly list of terms, which satisfied my informant for another week. I know I don’t have to remind Fanglish pros; however, I must mention that everything you read here is top-secret and shouldn’t be shared — especially with your own cats. It’s critical they believe they still have a leg (or four) up on us humans.
Pay attention, students! Here’s this week’s serving of cat slang.
The popping sound of a can’s lid being removed, alerting a cat to the possibility of cat food.
“Mr. Buckles awoke to the sweet sound of pop music coming from the kitchen.”
Removed from the kitchen counter and placed on the floor.
“Rex was floored when The Lady walked into the kitchen and found his face in the bowl of mashed potatoes.”
A cat who enjoys tipping over containers of liquid.
“As The Man left the room, he picked up his glass of iced tea because he remembered Felix was a big tipper.”
The motionless figure of a cat who’s just been caught counter-cruising and believes his complete stillness makes him invisible.
“The Lady flipped on the kitchen light and saw the frozen image of Peaches near her cereal bowl.”
A bite-marked paper napkin, proving a cat had spent time chewing the edges.
“The Lady began setting the table for her dinner party, and she noticed the presence of chew-proof napkins.”
Unrestricted time spent sitting or lying in bowls on a kitchen counter.
“The Man left for work in the morning, and Monkeybutt enjoyed a day of unlimited bowling.”
Lying on top of a bag of dinner rolls.
“Bootsy McGee didn’t want to play jingle-ball with Twinkles because he was on a roll.
A cat who enjoys lying on top of a dish towel.
“The Lady started drying dishes, but immediately stopped because the black hair on the towel told her that Onyx, the dish-towel topper, had been on the kitchen counter.”
A group of cats licking dishes left on a kitchen counter.
“The Man returned from the dining room to find a dish network installation had happened on the counter.”
The feline wisdom of knowing the time when humans are asleep and counter-cruising is possible.
“Henry the kitten kept getting busted for walking on the counter until Theo, who was counter clock-wise, taught him a few tricks.”
Licking a stick or container of butter found on a table or kitchen counter.
“Django feigned innocence when The Man found him buttering up on the counter.”
Urgently going after an attractive item on a kitchen counter.
Leo heard The Lady begin her shower, saw the donuts, and knew it was the perfect time for counter striking.
Please remember to keep these terms to yourself. Lock them in your mental vault, and erase your browsing history. Hey — if you think your cats can’t hack into your laptop, you’re totally kidding yourself.
See you next week with more Fanglish!
Do you have any terms to add to the Fanglish dictionary? Share them in the comments!
Read more by Angie Bailey:
About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.