Rafiki's Rantings

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6 weeks

May 22nd 2014 5:28 pm
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Dear Rafiki,

Tomorrow marks six weeks that you are gone. I can't believe it. I miss you so much. I still think I will see you. But no, you are gone.

Hershey is not feeling great you know. Even though you are no longer here, I am still administering meds day and night and following a kitty around with bowls of food.

It's not fair. It's just not fair. I want you back Rafi'; I want you back ...

 

Dear Rafiki

April 18th 2014 8:36 pm
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Dear Rafiki,

A week already. I can't believe it. I guess it should not be surprising. Mom will be gone nine years at the end of the month. You were just a baby when that happened. She met you only once, and I am sorry she no longer lived with us then. She would have found you delightful. I cannot believe nine years have flown by, and I am afraid when I turn around, another nine years will have passed.

Tomorrow I will gather with some friends and some of those friends will understand. I hope I will be able to talk about last Friday and how awful it was for us and that some will understand. It is hard to keep it all inside. I do not want to share with those who do not really understand. Rafiki, Rafiki, I hate to remember your cries. I know you were scared. I hope you were not in pain. I know they gave you pain meds. I hope they helped. I wish you could have been at home instead. I'm sorry buddy; so sorry.

Love,
Mommy

 

Dear Rafiki

April 17th 2014 7:07 pm
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Dear Rafiki,

Today was a difficult day. I feel very down and had some bad moments. A week ago today we had our last normal day together. I wish something would have told me to take a day off, so we could have spent the whole day together. But no, nothing came to me, so I went to work like usual. Tomorrow will be a week already. I have off tomorrow, so I can be at home here in peace by myself. I miss you buddy. Perhaps one day you'll let us know how it is at the Bridge.

Love,
Mommy

 

Dear Rafiki

April 16th 2014 7:56 pm
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Dear Rafiki,

Calvin gave you your angel wings today. You look beautiful. I am looking for an urn as your resting place. The carrier is still in the car. I won't bring the empty carrier in the house. When I finally bring you home, I'll bring it in.

Have you seen old friends 'fiki? Did you meet Zachary?

I didn't write last night because I was looking at pictures of you. So many pictures. Not all are great pics, but I love them anyway. When you were young I could hardly get a picture because as soon as you saw the camera you'd run up to it. I'd wind up with a blurry picture of your snoot. I miss that snoot. The pink nose with the black outline and the little black dot that appeared in your last years.

Miss you buddy,

Love,
Mommy

 

Thank you

April 14th 2014 8:44 pm
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Thank you friends of Rafiki for all the kind comments and messages you have sent. It really helps.

Sincerely,
Rafiki's mom

 

Guilt and Miscellaneous

April 14th 2014 8:38 pm
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Dear Rafiki,

The guilt and second guessing is coming now. Last week, spring finally arrived; some milder temperatures and sunshine. You walked to the back door, and I promised we would go out on the deck over the weekend. You never got that chance. Never got to sniff the air and feel the sun except for the dash to the car and into the hospitals. It's not right. I should have known any day could have been your last, but I tried to pretend things were normal. How would I have gotten through four years waiting every day for you to leave? Many times I came home from work scared that you would be gone. I tried to go on normally, and then a shadow would fall across you and tears would well up in my eyes. I had to shake them off.

I spoke with Dr. Soverns today. It sounds like the doctors didn't expect you to make it this long. I'm glad I never asked for a prognosis. She said it was my dedication to your care and making sure you got your meds that made the difference. How could I have not done that? I wish it would have been easier. I am so thankful that several meds were available in transdermal formulations. I know you still hated me messing with your ears, but better than pills. And, for the past two years you tolerated those as well. You were such a good boy through it all.

April is a terrible month. Zachary was diagnosed with cancer. Mom fell which was the beginning of the end when she finally passed on April 30th. And now you. April stinks.

Do you remember when Mom died? I was sitting on the floor going through papers. You were still a baby; a big baby; you came up behind me and stood on your back legs and wrapped your forelegs around my neck and rested your head against mine and purred. :'-(

And how horrible was the music in the vet's office on Friday. 'Urgent' followed by 'Live and Let Die?! :-(

I am still in denial baby cat. Still expecting to see you in your favorite spots.

Luv,
Mom

 

Dear Rafiki

April 13th 2014 4:49 pm
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Dear Rafiki,

It's terrible here without you. I keep thinking you must be upstairs on the bed or downstairs with Hershey and AnnaDee. I keep thinking I need to put more food out. I threw out the medicines you hated; all except the one and the glove that are laying on the floor where I left them Friday morning. The carrier is still in the front seat. I can't bring an empty carrier into the house. When I bring you back home, I'll bring it in.

I am partly in denial and when I acknowledge you are really gone, I cannot bear it.

Love furever,
Mommy

 

To Rafiki

April 11th 2014 7:57 pm
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Dearest Rafiki,

I love you. I will always love you. I am afraid I did not do right by you today. My only consolation is that I was still at home to get you to the vet to ease your pain. Please forgive me for the horrible car ride to Annapolis. I know you hated it. But the vet could not be sure, and I couldn't not try could I? I couldn't make that decision without knowing for sure that you wouldn't have more time. I always prayed that when your time came, you would be at home and leave in peace and without suffering. Why it was not to be, I will never know or understand. But you will never be in pain again, nor will you have to endure the constant administration of medications. I hope you will always remember how much I loved you and always will. I just heard you ... please always be with me.

Love furever and ever,
Momma

 

I have to wear a collar!

February 22nd 2013 6:46 pm
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Mom came home today with collars for all of us. We have never had to wear them. Mom said she should have done it long ago. What if we somehow get out? I guess it's okay. It doesn't bother me too much. It has pirates on it. It also has a bell. Now I will not be able to sneak up on the other kitties.

 

Go away Mommy!

July 13th 2012 2:13 pm
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Go away Mommy! You make me run away when I see you coming. All you do is molest me - you're either rubbing goop on my ears or paws. Three, four , five, six times a day ...

 
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Rafiki, Beautiful Angel


 

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