May 9th 2010 12:00 pm
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It was a quiet Friday afternoon like any other. My mom was resting, my dad was out taking pictures. I was drowsing in the bedroom keeping my mom company, when I heard unmistakable noises coming in the window. My mom heard them too, and we both looked out to see none other than Nasty Cat on the back fence, taunting the neighbor's cat at one of its windows.
Nasty Cat was growling and moaning in her nasty voice, while every now and then the neighbor's cat flung herself at the window from inside, trying to defend her turf. That only made Nasty Cat moan louder, and hiss, and claw at the window, which only made the neighbor's cat puff up her tail and claw back at the glass. See how nasty Nasty Cat is? All she does is spread trouble wherever she goes! She is nasty! She must not be tolerated! She must be stopped!
So I spent the afternoon very upset that Nasty Cat has come back to make trouble for us peaceful indoor-only kitties. But of course I could not get outside; my mom is very careful not to let me even into the garage anymore, let alone outside.
But when my dad came home later on at dusk I was able to surprise him by squeezing out the door before he knew what was happening, and in a flash I crossed the next-door neighbor's lawn and hid behind their shrubs. I think I heard my dad say a bad word, then I heard my mom's voice outside, calling my name. From behind the neighbor's shrubs I saw her look under my dad's car in the driveway, then she looked under her car in the driveway. Then she looked under the neighbor's car in their driveway. I heard her say, "How am I going to find a black cat at night? I'll never be able to see her!"
She began walking toward where I was, so I scrambled up a tree and onto the fence (the same one I climbed a couple of years ago when I got spooked and bolted out of the house, and freaked out and went missing for 7 hours). I could smell Nasty Cat on that fence! Aha! I was on the trail! Perhaps now I could finally hunt her down and settle things once and for all!
But I heard my mom calling my name. Somehow she could still see me, and she squeezed through the neighbor's side gate and came into their yard, following me along the fence. "Hi, Won! Whatcha doin'?" she said as though this was the most perfectly natural thing in the world, chatting with me as I walked along the top of a fence. I did not want her distracting me from my mission so I meowed at her. She paused and said again, "Whatcha doin', girl?"
What a dumb question. What does it look like I'm doing? I really wish my mom wouldn't be so dense sometimes. Anyway, I went a little farther along the fence, and my mom kept following me and asking me "Whatcha doin', Won?" She didn't sound upset or anxious at all; she sounded really relaxed and casual. She reached up to pet me, so I let her scratch my head a little while I tried to form a strategy for the hunt. "Hey, baby, you're a good girl, that's a good girl," she cooed while scritchy-scratching my ear.
Then she grabbed me by my scruff and lifted me down from the fence single-handedly.
Darn it!! Foiled!!
Ooh, I was so angry and upset! I squirmed around and meowed and wailed and twisted and thrashed and howled, but my mom would not let go. We squeezed through the neighbor's side gate and headed back across the lawn and through our front door, her cooing "What a good girl! Oh yeah, you're a good baby girl cat," the whole way, and me flailing around trying to wrest myself free.
As soon as we got inside she said to my dad, "Quick, shut the door, I'm losing my grip on her!" My dad very was glad to see us both again. I was not so glad. I was still annoyed about Nasty Cat; I hurt my arthritic hips when scrambling up that tree; I hurt myself a little more thrashing around in my mom's death-grip; plus it was just very undignified for me to be hauled about by my scruff as though I were some kind of feline hooligan. I mean, really, I am a very lady-like cat, and to be treated as though I were some sort of alley cat riff-raff was quite an insult to my dignity. So I was miffed, frustrated, disappointed, achey, sore and embarrassed.
But both my mom and dad were really happy I was back inside. I paced around the house for a little while, reassuring myself that all was well on my turf. My mom told my dad all the details about rescuing me, and how she could barely see me in the darkness, how she kept her voice calm and low so that she wouldn't scare me, and how she stepped (barefoot) on a thorn in the neighbor's overgrown, weedy yard right after she scruffed me, and they both said they were so glad she was able to grab me (ugh, "grab" me like I'm some common criminal!) and that they didn't have to leave the door open all night long waiting for me to come back inside from wherever I might have gone running off to.
See, my mom and dad just don't understand. I was not going to run off anywhere. I was only going to hunt down Nasty Cat and dispatch her once and for all. Then I would have come home and had a snack and had a nice little snooze and everything would have been just fine. But my mom and dad don't understand that. They have a rule that I have to be indoors all the time. Most of the time I don't mind. But when I see intruders, especially Nasty Cat, who tries to pick fights with cats behind closed windows, my blood boils and I must get outside to put things right.
Yeah, it's so braaAAAaave of you to pick a fight with an indoor-only cat, isn't it, Nasty Cat? I'll bet you're feeling pretty brave right now, aren't you? Feeling pretty cocky and arrogant, aren't you -- picking on defenseless kitties who you know can't get to you and give you the thrashing you so richly deserve! Well, we'll see who has the last laugh, Nasty Cat. I can be very patient, and my front door is going to open many, many more times in the coming months . . .
Just you wait, Nasty Cat, just you wait . . . !
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Nasty Cat is just jealous of you Won. She's made she can't be inside all the time where it doesn't get too hot or too cold. You should stay at the window and just turn your nose up at her. You could run into something worse than Nasty Cat out there! We know how much it would hurt your pawrents and your friends if something happened! Hoping you stay safe and that Nasty Cat leaves you be!
I still say, just sit in the window, all calm and nice, smile at her even ... casually wash your paw ... yawn and stretch ... how NIIIICCCEEE it is inside, don't you wish you were ME, Nasty Cat? Pity you don't have a home but maybe you're so NASTY in purrrrsonality that no one would live with you!
Then turn around and SHOW HER YOUR BUTT! (In a ladylike way of course.) Wave your tail while you do it - that makes 'em CRAZY!
Hmm, these are interesting strategies to ponder . . . to flaunt my superior status as an indoor cat.
I think I will spend the day today practicing, so that I will have it down pat the next time Nasty Cat shows up.
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