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Honey Bear Diary

A Picture Tells 1000 Words...

A picture tells 1000 words... of how much we all miss you Jake, including your little brother Jonah. On the Eve of your brother Micah's death I've been doing a lot of remembering back to this time last year as we approach the holiday season that you loved so much. I'm still missing you so much. It's hard to get up every day and I miss the funny things you were always coming up with to do. I miss having my little man beside me at my desk all day. Your window seat sits empty most of the time now. Everyone used to fight over that seat but I think they just wanted to be there because that is where you were. Most of all I miss seeing your face and the way you always knew exactly what I was feeling...

If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.

~~~~Unknown~~~~

09.09.09

I miss you Jake. I can't believe it's been one whole month today that you've been gone. The tears are still quick in my eyes when I think of you. You were a beautiful spirit who taught me so much about what it means to love. Love, Mommy

There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.
They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.
They are messengers of overwhelming grief...
and unspeakable love.
--Washington Irving

Since You've Been Gone...

There hasn't been more than a minute that I haven't thought of you Jake. I woke up this morning and missed you in bed with me on my legs. I remember back to not long ago and our morning routine. I'd wake and you'd stand up on the bed and stretch, then jump down and run to the kitchen to be fed. This was for as long as I can remember. More recently you'd be waiting in your window seat, sure to get there early before the young ones got there first. You might not have been the fastest anymore but you were still the smartest.

I checked the litter boxes at least three or four times today. They were clean. I knew your kidneys made you go a lot and I was always cleaning them so they would be nice when you went in. I just didn't realize that you went 10 times a day and Jonah and Fionna go about once a day. I guess I knew but I didn't mind. It was so gradual that I forgot what the litter boxes of healthy cats look like. I was going through over 40 lbs. of litter each month. I just bought a 25 lb. bag that should last me months at this new rate. I used to do a lot of cleaning... of the carpet and hardwood floors. You got sick a lot and towards the end you had diarrhea too. I used to have a lot of laundry from the towels we used while feeding you and washing your face afterwards. I felt tired a lot but didn't realize it was from taking care of you. I'd do it all over again to have you back with me.

We ate dinner alone and we didn't need to stop in the middle to check on you. This morning I didn't need to wake up at 6 AM to syringe feed you. I woke up anyway and it felt horrible. In the evenings we'd feed you again and spend time with you wherever you were. I have that $150 blender I received as a wedding gift and didn't open for 5 years. I opened it just to blend you food in. People might think I'm nuts for doing that. That blender was awesome for mixing your food. I doubt I'll be using it again anytime soon.

I cleaned up some of your things but other things I can't bear to move. Your tent is still setup in the corner of our bedroom, right next to where you flew to the Bridge. We have the notebook we logged all your meals in for the past 7 months. Every day, every meal, how much you ate and if you got your medication. Even if it was just 5 treats or 1/4 can of baby food. At the end we were thrilled to have you eat anything on your own. (CRF mommies and daddies will know what I'm talking about.) I have your IV pole. I could sell it on craigslist but I can't yet. It represents our evening routine that extended your life with us. It's strange just "going to bed" now without giving you fluids. We'd put you in bed, turn on classical music and warm water in the sink for your fluids. Jonah and Fionna would watch. Jonah would sit on the bed next to your and Fionna would watch the water. I expect to see you in all the spots you liked to sit and sleep. When I'm working in my office I expect you to strut in with your confident stride and jump in your window seat. I can't imagine having lived with you for 20 years because I can't imagine loving you any more than I already did. In your last 9 months we tried to live 5 years worth or memories always living in the moment and enjoying each day at a time.

Mostly I just miss you Jake. Life seems to have lost all it's vibrancy and everything looks black & white now. I've received so many wonderful messages following your departure to the Bridge. Daddy and I have read each and every one. We're so happy that your story of bravery touched so many people. One person wrote that "CRF cats are tough" and they're right. I still don't know how you made it to the litter box on your last night. You could barely lift your head let alone walk so I laid you on a bed of towels in our bedroom so if you had to go you'd be able to. Just in case I moved the litter box into the room too. I knew you were a determined cat. You'd drag yourself to that box somehow rather than soil yourself. And you did... in the morning I found you sleeping in the box after having gone.

During your last days daddy and I wondered (and daddy worried) what your passing would be like. I imagined it in my mind and hoped I'd know when the time was right. Thank you for your gift Jake. You spared us having to make the decision that so many CRF parents have to make. You went when you were ready. I should have known you'd go on your own terms. Micah flew down to get you and I told you it was alright to leave, your fight here was over. You endured blood tests, trips to the vet, taking your medication, getting your vitamins, getting poked for sub-Q fluids and at the end being syringe fed. You were so brave and determined as you woke up each morning and kept fighting to stay with us. Despite all the tears, your passing was peaceful. I couldn't have asked for more. As you took your last breath I felt your spirit take flight. After you were gone we sat with your body for a little while. I know you weren't there anymore but I already missed you so much. When I feel empty and lost without you and start to cry, I somehow find the strength to stop. I know that's you Jake wrapping your angel wings around me in comfort and love. ~Mommy