October 30th 2007 11:23 am
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TO BE POSTED VERY LOW ON THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than
you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and
cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I
also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, bark, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I
have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or
feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butts. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain
About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture. That's why they call it
'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember... Dogs and cats are better than kids because
they:
1 . Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't want to wear your clothes
9. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
July 30th 2007 8:34 am
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10> Dos Brekkies
9> Missing Nads Bitter
8> Mauster Brau
7> Fostered Lager
6> Heinekitten
5> Neutered Tom Stout
4> Yarnling
3> Mousehead Lager
2> Feleinenkugel
and the Number 1 Favorite Beer of Cats...
1> Bird Light
April 19th 2007 11:23 am
[link to this entry]
Subject: Hey, I found anotherone on the web page! Sent: Thu Apr 19
Message:
MS TIGER WOODS: Female cats named Ms Tiger Woods are inteligent, beautiful and highly opinionated. They get along well with siblings but only if the sibling is born on the same day. Especially dumb dogs in the same household can cause trouble. These cats often go by the nickname "Em" and are useually paired with the smartest, cleaverest, and finest male cats. "
~Xander
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