Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots & Other Tall Tales

KU Haiku

Again first round loss
mom's team stinks as if i care
scratch my head, pouter

Litter box: 1 - Kiddo: 0

finally, some privacy! not only did dad come back from the petsmart with a spanking new BoodaDome litterbox (in pearlized mauve) but, acting on a tip from the fabulous MooCow, installed a hook and eye security system on the closet door so i can come and go as i please. kiddo can only watch - her box raiding days are over (isobel doesn't seem interested in any of this - all she wants to do is lay in the sun on the balcony). Brilliant! mom and dad were a little concerned as they had to move my box from the bathroom - i guess they thought i was too set in my ways to change and they kept trying to coax me into the closet to make sure i could fit through the opening - i'm not THAT husky, thank you very much. they eventually left me alone and this morning i left a little gift for mom to reassure her...

Welcome to the LitterDome

well they've finally given in - today i'm getting a new litter box with a retractable roof - my current open air model is a little too, shall we say, dog friendly. i've been telling them this ever since the dawn of time, but do they listen? i suspect the final straw may have had something to do with the night kiddo jumped on the bed, after a particularly fruitful litter box raid, and licked dad's face - then dad waking up to find dried, smeared kitty gritty in his whiskers. dogs are sick. so, without even voting on a bond issue or instituting a sales tax hike, my box is receiving some serious upgrades - i can only conclude that the funding for this little community service is coming from the sale of the naming rights - i'd better have final approval on this - the last thing i want is to have to take care of my personal and private business in a place called VIAGRA Box or the Haliburton Dome...

Can't Find You Haiku

Trapped, locked downstairs; "hey -
in the basement" i can hear
dogs touching my stuff

Haiku for Moo

boddhistava moo
so wise so clean handsome too
my heart goes thump thump

Blue Haiku

slobber coats my ears;
full bowl a fond memory
who did i piss off?

Haiku You

books say pup explores
with her mouth; first lesson is
cat's teeth are bigger

couldn't we just have gotten a stairmaster?

ridiculous. dad thinks the non-stop harassment i've been receiving from "kiddo" is good for me - he is under the obviously mistaken impression that i am somehow in need of "exercise" because i am "overweight". hellooo...earth to daddy...zaftig is in, baby, i got junk in my trunk - thas' right - you jes' jealous of this wagon i'm draggin'...

Malodorous

THIS HOUSE SMELLS LIKE DOG!

they did it to me again...

it has become apparent to me that this new pup not some sort of irritating, Icy-Hot induced hallucination and is here to stay...and so to quote the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, "you know of course, this means war."

what fresh hell is this?

the indignities i am forced to endure...mom came home with 2 pink collars last week - one was obviously for isobel who accepted the hideous thing with her usual good humor; the other one was a puzzle - it was much too small for dad and if mom had purchased it for herself, lord knows she'd be wearing it out of the store, tags and all, so the only one left in the house that the collar could possibly be for was...ME! ha, not likely sister - first of all i am an indoor cat - i do not need a collar and if i did it most certainly would not be PINK...mine would be a tweedy something from Burberry's that said "look buster, this cab is mine, i've got Harold Ross and a double martini waiting for me at the Algonquin so outta my way"...pink indeed...what's next - body glitter?

Go ahead...make my day

Well, that's it, no vet (god willing) for another 365 days. I'm afraid this visit was a bit anti-climactic - no screaming vet assistants, shredded lab coats or fleeing villagers to brag about - mind you, you're getting this information second-hand as mom and her love of hyperbole were unable to attend - she had to take grandma to the airport - so it was just me and dad. Dad hates doctors too so he let me wear my bandoliers and Colts Dragoon sidearm. Obviously these accessories and my reputation cowed the simpering Dr. G. - my exam went quickly with only a meek recommendation for a tooth cleaning next time. Dad said ok sure doctor and winked at me and then, WE WERE GONE - adios suckers...hahahahahaha...haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Doggy Slumber Party...

i am in hell

LLLLLEETTT'S GET READY TO RUUMMBLLLLLLLLEEE!

Two weeks until my bout...i mean appointment with the vet. i've been training hard: 50 back arch/fur expanders a night, 50 spitty hisses plus 30 minutes of extra menacing growl exercises in the mirror - they'll need three vet techs no..no four to hold me down this year. ah pity da foo...isobel says maybe i should just make nice and the vet will give me a cookie like her vet did........dogs. (you can't see me but i'm shaking my head in a condescending manner)

Fava beans and a nice chianti

it's that time of year again - i can tell because they've started to spell certain words when i'm in the room - words like V-E-T and C-A-R and A-P-P-O-I-N-T-M-E-N-T. i know what they're talking about - i've got a few vocabulary words of my own, like B-I-T-E and H-I-D-E and U-N-C-O-O-P-E-R-A-T-I-V-E...

Revenge of the Kitty Haiku

Dad has purchased treats
These are not palatable
Doggy likes them fine.

Son of Kitty Haiku

my bowl is empty
again i think it was dog
i want my own house

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf...

My name is Yoshimi and i am an Icy-Hot-aholic...
funny thing-it turns out plastic really is a gateway drug just like the public service announcements say - i was getting bored with licking plastic bags so i moved on to something more powerful - Icy-Hot. dad put some on his sore knee the other night and man did it smell good - i spent the better part of an hour with my nose stuck to his patella, eyes closed, just inhaling the fumes. then, i don't remember this of course, i jumped on the floor and rolled around on my back for a while, then just laid there, upside down staring at the ceiling mumbling something about being the Lizard Queen. then i jumped back in dad's lap for some more. dad says i'm a grumpy junkie too because when he tried to get up from his chair i bit him. i guess that was the last straw because all the IcyHot has been locked up and i have to call all of my friends and apologize for things i don't even remember doing. so, i'm sorry.

Kitty haiku

faucet drips cool drink
less perilous than toilet
dog can't reach me here

Things i'd like to put my nose on today...

1. the food on mom's fork just before she puts it in her mouth
2. whatever liquid is in mom's glass (note to self: use paw to tip the glass over if liquid is too far down inside)
3. the toothpaste on dad's toothbrush
4. the last brownie left sitting on the counter that mom has been dreaming about at work all day (note to self: remove plastic wrap to save for later)

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio....

one word...PLASTICS! mom was changing the giant blue plastic bag that is protecting the new grout in the bathtub and left the old bag on the floor. HA HA MINE! before she could take it away, i quickly jumped right in the middle (in the process making a racket of delightful crinkly noises-an added bonus) and started licking. Heaven. i'm afraid they think i've got a bit of an addiction but i can quit any time i want...i can. just don't take away my plastic bag and no one gets hurt.

Research

I've been watching a lot of television lately - my fascination with the tv began after auntie jenn bought me the "Mewvie" cd for Christmas - how entertaining this is - i thought. now i've been caught on more than one occasion sitting very close (too close, mom thinks) to the tv, totally absorbed. My favorite shows are The MacNeil-Lehrer News Hour and SpongeBob Squarepants. Unfortunately, as the pair of opposable thumbs i ordered from Acme Cat Supply have yet to arrive, i am unable to wrest control of the remote from dad so i also must watch a lot of soccer. pppphhhfffffllltttt! oh well, at least i'll have something to discuss with the birds that fly up from Central and South America.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

today dad finally cracked open the cat door and let me hang out on the back porch for a while - aaahhh it was so good to smell the springy air and roll in fresh piles of dust. i was having a fine time till i noticed who was back - mom puts out birdseed every morning so our yard is a popular stop for the YUFIES (Young Urban Fowl) i think they get sassier every year - the word is out that i don't leave the porch so they strut around free as you please, annoying me with their inane chatter about "Survivor" and "The Bachelorette".

"READ A BOOK ONCE IN WHILE WHY DONTCHA" i'd had enough and decided to chew on the ficus tree. then dad made me come in. Spring makes me crabby.

i shall rule the world

in order to gain control over my dad's brain, i must understand what controls him. to understand what controls him, i must understand Playstation 2 Pro Evolution Soccer. To this end i have been observing him on the sly from a covert position on his lap. Once i have mastered the game i will continue my quest by absorbing the subtleties of "Pimp My Ride" and then the world will be mine for the taking.

My work here never ends...

Business as usual - this morning I was forced to step on mom's bladder area MORE THAN ONCE to get her up out of bed to give me my breakfast and early brushing. My commute from the bed to the recliner by the window was fraught with slobbery peril - I received an unsolicited head wash from Isobel AFTER she ransacked my litter box. It took a good while for me to clean the gritty out of my ears. Thankfully I was able to put aside these distractions and devote all of my concentration to editing Isobel's diary. I must admit, the decidedly scatological bent of her work has me a bit concerned; everything is gassy this or farty that - I won't even mention how many times the word "poop" appears.