Although few people allow their kitties to actually become mothers, who doesn’t think of them as mommies? I sure do. And I would never let a Mother’s Day pass without pampering my sweet Stella. I decided to ask her about her special day.
It’s almost Mother’s Day, Stella! Aren’t you excited?
Why should I be? Am I going to be a mother?
Will I ever be a mother?
Why won’t I ever be a mother?
Hey, did you see the game yesterday —
ANSWER THE QUESTION.
Well, that’s a long and frankly complicated issue.
Relax, dude. I know what you did to me.
Sure. I watch The Good Wife. You think I don’t know about birth control?
Huh. So you’re not mad about it?
Not anymore. I got my revenge.
Remember when the toilet exploded?
That was you?
Didn’t know I could hot-wire fuses, did you?
A toilet has fuses?
But to tell you the truth, I am a bit wistful about motherhood. Imagine getting a crew in one go.
Ah, that’s sweet. You want to be a mommy. I think the word is “litter.”
I’d train them in all sorts of things: camouflage, slots, safe cracking, stunt driving.
Safe cracking? I’ll never understand cats.
And then we’d hit Vegas.
Vegas? Why Vegas?
Because that’s where the Bellagio is.
What’s at the Bellagio?
The vault we’re going to knock off.
Wait — you want to have kids so you can knock off a casino?
The tightest crews are bound by blood. Danny taught me that.
Looks like you if you imagine the complete opposite.
You mean George Clooney. You’re talking about Ocean’s 11.
Great documentary. Taught me everything I know.
Not a documentary. Total fantasy.
Still, it’s a guidebook. A roadmap, if you will.
Not for having kittens.
Oh, sure it is. Imagine the bonding that would go down as we fleece Terry Benedict out of $500 million.
Stella, that’s a movie. Motherhood isn’t like that.
Tell that to the Corleone family.
They’re not real.
The Sons of Anarchy?
Also fake, and cats don’t ride motorcycles.
Hey, don’t tell me how to raise my kittens!
I knew it would come to this. Thankfully you don’t have kittens.
We can always adopt! Let’s start with some muscle. Maybe a Ragdoll.
We aren’t adopting cats so you can start a crime family.
You’re part of the problem, you know?
How about we just celebrate Mother’s Day with some grilled chicken?
Fine. Can you at least let me steal it out of the fridge?
Have at it, Danny Ocean.
Watch your tone, pal, if you know what’s good for your toilet.
Thumbnail: Photography ©Seregraff | Getty Images.
Stella, a Bengal, has a firm grip on her handler, freelance writer Michael Leaverton, whom she rescued from an alt weekly many meals ago. They live in San Diego.
Editor’s note: This article originally appeared in Catster magazine. Have you seen the new Catster print magazine in stores? Or in the waiting area of your vet’s office? Click here to subscribe to Catster and get the bimonthly magazine delivered to your home.