What the Number of Cats You Own Says About You


Did you know people can tell everything about you from the number of cats you own? No? Why didn’t you know that? You should know that. We can help.

One cat

You are practical, efficient, and good with appointments. You’re also a little bit boring.

Are you evil? No, but maybe the cat doesn’t need another night chasing the laser dot and might enjoy, let’s see, a pal? A compatriot? A comrade to march arm and arm with through this crazy thing we call life? THINK OF LIEUTENANT WHISKERS! You spend most nights looking at each other from across the room, the TV on in the background, the cat thinking, What are you waiting for? Otherwise, you’re a good, caring person, if a little bit boring and a smidge evil.

Two to three cats

You have a perfect cat family to go with your perfect life. And it is perfect, so perfect you sometimes you feel like you’re teetering on the knife edge of perfection. DON’T SCREW IT UP.

But it can be so stressful! Sometimes you want to let it all go. You want to run the laundry machine with hand soap and buy aerosol cheese, but then you shake it out and research Chardonnays and get the car detailed and return a Netflix. Your cats look so perfectly cute snoozing together in a furry pile, don’t they? Sometimes you imagine a few more in the pile. Exactly five more.

Four to six cats

You like to live and let live, you have a favorite brand of mini hot dog, and the DMV line is like your second home.

You understand, at a gut level, what the Juggalos are attempting to do. You invite people over all the time. “And bring your cats!” you say, not seriously but not really jokingly, either. If you suddenly catch sight of yourself in a mirror you didn’t know was there, you start to sing, or pop and lock. Sometimes you find yourself saying, “I have five cats?” like you just counted them for the first time after your parents visited.

Seven to ten cats

Easy now. Deep breaths. Visualize the life you want. Does it include cleaning ten to twenty piles of clumped waste every day? TELL ME YOU’RE CLEANING THE BOX EVERY DAY.

Sorry, let’s take it down a notch. Remember how you overdo things? Is this like the time you broke into the store at night and rearranged all the cereals by tastiness? Remember when you just had to buy all the red candy at Safeway? You have seven to ten cats. Don’t. Get. Another. Cat. And stop reading SkyMall.

Ten to ? cats

You see stardust and seashells everywhere you look, you have more than one working toaster oven, and you’re a good conversationalist — you talk for hours to Jesus when he comes for tea.

And yet you avoid people, staying close to home, really sticking to just one or two rooms in this crazy rattletrap house. (You haven’t been upstairs for years — that’s for the cats.) You’re like a cat that way — people could really learn a lot from cats, you like to think.

Toothbrushes, for instance. Who’s kidding who? The tongue is the most miraculous, useful organ on the human body, you’ve recently decided. And what’s wrong with a sleep-day, or even a sleep-month? Once, after a sleep-month, you felt yourself purr. You tell everyone this, especially grocery clerks. Word is getting around.

Photo Credits: Ragdoll kittens on couch supplied by our friends at Shutterstock

Also See: What Your Litterbox Says About You

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