Editor’s note: It’s inauguration day in Washington, D.C., a fitting time to run this humor item from the November/December 2016 issue because today, we all can use some levity. Click here to subscribe to Catster and get the bimonthly magazine delivered to your home.
Considering that the 2016 presidential election reached a fever pitch and brought out a lot of division in the country, I wondered how my cat, Stella, was taking in all the craziness — and if she had any ideas about running herself.
Me: Stella, who do you want to be president?
Stella: Ralph Nader!
Ralph Nader? He’s not running for president.
He is, according to the newspaper in your closet I’ve been napping on.
Wow, I really need to clean out that closet.
He’s got some good ideas about seat belts, frankly.
How about this: Let’s say YOU were running for president. What would you do?
That’s easy. I’d reform the chicken industry.
And how would you reform it?
I’d reform it around my house.
That only helps yourself, Stella. Isn’t there anything you can do to help everybody?
I got it! I’ll solve the dog problem.
That’s the spirit. Wait, what dog problem?
I’ll deport all the dogs!
What? To where?
Elsewhere!
You can’t just deport all the dogs.
Sure you can. Just round them up, pack them on a ship, and steam them over the horizon. Everybody’s happy.
Except for the dogs and their owners.
Even better!
Dogs have as much a right to be here as cats do, Stella.
Well, there must be a way to keep dogs away from us, a sort of barrier or —
Oh, here we go.
A wall! I’ll build a big, beautiful wall between cats and dogs. And I’ll get dog owners to pay for it.
How?
Just let me talk to them a little while. I’m a very good negotiator.
Are you sure you aren’t following this year’s election?
Is Paul Tsongas still in it?
No. That was 1992. I’ll clean the closet tomorrow.
How about this idea: As president, I would outlaw spaying and neutering.
That’s crazy. Who would take care of all the cats?
As president, that wouldn’t be my problem.
As president, it would be entirely your problem.
Let’s make it the vice president’s problem.
Your platform is horrible.
Here’s another: As president, I would give cats a minimum wage.
For what?
Who cares! And cats would not be allowed in the military, and extended back scratches are a universal right, not just an option doled out once a week.
You’re really all over the place on this.
I’m the last outsider. Oh, and you know how I have a thing about Persian cats?
Don’t go there.
Hear me out. There are too many breeds, you know? I would unite all cats under one breed — the Bengal!
You know how many decades it would take to do that?
I’ll do it in my first 100 days — I’m a uniter.
Anything else?
Hmm. Can I call my opponent a disgusting animal?
Go back to sleep, Stella.
About the author: Catster.com contributor Michael Leaverton has written a wide variety of articles in the past 11 years, very few of which after consulting with his cat. That ends here. Stella is an 11-year-old Bengal with a firm editorial grip on her handler, whom she rescued from an alt-weekly in San Francisco many meals ago. She likes it when he writes about chicken. They currently live in San Diego.
