You might be familiar with the stereotypical country music lyrics: “I lost my dog, my pickup died, my best friend ran away with my girlfriend, and I just downed a six-pack of Bud.” I know that’s a lot of generalization, and I sure don’t want to offend country music fans, but again, I’m talking about the stereotypical country music themes (and besides, I’m sure many country fans would agree with my characterization).
I don’t have any guilty pleasures. If I like something, I like it. I don’t feel the need to harbor any guilt or embarrassment regarding my choices. I’m mentioning this because I’ve recently become hooked on the TV show, Nashville. I started watching it on Netflix last week, and I’m completely binging the thing. Of course it doesn’t help that I’ve always had a huge girl-crush on Connie Britton. I mean, come on! She’s gorgeous! Plus, I can’t help but get caught up in all the soap-opera-style drama.
Watching this show about the country music industry got me thinking about lyrics. The songs in Nashville are much better than the ones I’m about to parody; however, I guess you can say I’m in a country state of mind.
Grab a beer, throw on your cowboy boots, and settle in for a few minutes. Here are five country music songs written by cats.
1. Cursed with the Memory
Cats and dogs can sometimes have love/hate relationships. Sure, dogs can be fun playmates now and again, and interspecies cuddling has been known to happen in some relationships. But then there’s the part about greedy dogs devouring every bowl of food in sight, drooling all over freshly groomed kitty fur, and — gasp — eating a cat’s dropping straight out of the litter box. That might explain the atrocious dog breath. It’s enough to make a cat pick up his guitar and start strumming. As a matter of fact …
My poor heart’s conflicted,
Not sure what to do,
Your cuddles are keepin’ me ’round.
But you stole all my dinner,
And then you threw up,
I’m cursed with the memory of that sound.
2. Just Plain Gone
There’s a lot of sorrow associated with lost toys, especially ones swatted under the refrigerator. Those are just plain gone. Now that, my friends, is the stuff of true heartbreak. A cat can’t help but want to express his grief, and what better way to do it than putting paw to paper and whipping up some woeful lyrics.
There’s the kind of gone when the dish is all clean,
But vittles will come back once more.
There’s the kind of gone when a person takes flight,
But they always come back through that door.
Then there’s the gone that’s the hardest to take,
The one that will haunt me ’til dawn.
When that catnip mouse slides under the fridge,
That’s what you call just plain gone.
3. The Litter Box of My Heart
Ah, heartbreak. Many country songs have been written about relationship pains and lost love. Cats would certainly chime in on this subject because they take everything personally. Oh, the fickle nature of felines. It’s bound to result in hurt feelings and, as a result, melancholy lyrics.
I gave you my catnip,
You gave me your fleas.
I couldn’t stand being apart.
I bathed you for hours,
Then saw you with Gus,
You pooped in the litter box of my heart.
4. Hide, Hide, Hide
Most cats can’t stand the thought of being cooped up in a cat carrier. Some run for the hills the moment the Pet Taxi is in clear sight. The inevitability of the car ride is a sad, sad reality that must be captured in song.
I can’t hardly hide what I’m feelin’ inside,
When I see that Pet Taxi come through.
I know sometime soon, I’ll be ridin’ inside,
There’s just not too much I can do.
Hide, hide, hide from that ride, ride, ride.
They’ll probably find me, but revenge will be mine,
Hairball inside favorite shoe.
5. Losin’ Is Hard
Cats can be possessive of the stuff and the people they claim as their own. They don’t want another cat moving in on their territory, and when that happens, the sorrow sets in. Of course, this makes the perfect theme for a cat’s country song.
There’s a tale of a cat who had a toy rat,
He’d take it wherever he went.
Then Jim Bob the tabby got kind of grabby,
Leaving the cat to lament.
Playin’ a game and losin’ is hard,
Oh, please bring back that rodent.
You can’t trust a tabby, and that’s the hard truth,
Livin’ a life of torment.
What kind of country lyrics would your cat write? Share a few lines in the comments!