7 Voicemails Only Cats Would Leave You


If you read Texts From Mittens, you’re quite aware that cats can indeed text. Since you’ve already gone there with me, let’s take it to the next level and talk about cats who leave voicemails. Why not? Let’s say that a cat really wants to get his point across in a way a text just can’t convey. Let’s also say cats have the ability to speak in human words. Still with me?

Here are seven voicemails left by cats.

1. “Call me back”

“Hi, this is Leonard again. Just wondering if you got my other voicemails because you haven’t called be back. Can you please call me? I seriously need to know where you put the extra bag of treats. I’m starving! Somehow I get the feeling you don’t even care. Don’t be alarmed if you see me withered away to nothing when you get home tonight. This is Leonard. Call me back.”

2. “Um, this is kind of an emergency”

“Can you come home right now? You left the bathroom door closed and now I can’t drink from the drippy faucet. Um, this is kind of an emergency, so if you could call me back right away, that’d be great.”

3. “Did somebody kidnap you?”

“Where are you? It’s 5:10 and you’re usually home at 5:00. Did you get in an accident? Did somebody kidnap you? I’m really worried. Can you please call me back? Also, remember to pick up some catnip on the way home. I’m all out.”

4. “I’m not lying”

“Hi. The vet just left a message to say she needs to cancel my appointment tomorrow. I’m totally not lying. Really. I’m sure you don’t believe me, but it’s true — you can call her. No, don’t. I’ll cross it off your calendar. You’re welcome.”

5. “This is starting to get ridiculous”

“Can you please call the post office and tell them they need to start delivering more boxes? Preferably shoebox-sized? There haven’t been any new boxes in quite some time. This is starting to get ridiculous. Thanks.”

6. “I’m holding down the fort”

“Just wanted to let you know the butter dish fell on the floor. No worries, though. I tasted the stick of butter and it’s still good. Just thought you’d like to know I’m holding down the fort over here. No need to call back. See you tonight.”

7. “I’m starting to have withdrawals”

“Hi, Mom. When you get home, can you please move the sofa so I can get my jingle mouse? And then can you wash it? The dog slobbered all over it, and now it’s gross AND under the sofa. I’m starting to have withdrawals. I really need this mouse. Hey, maybe you can come home over lunch? That’d be really cool if you could do that. See you at noon.”

What kind of voicemail messages would your cat leave for you? Give us some examples in the comments!

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About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

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