I identify with cats in many ways; in fact, sometimes I think I’m part cat. But for all the things about cats that I "get," there are just as many that boggle my mind. I would give almost anything to be able to sit my cats down for an honest conversation and ask them a long list of questions. Here are a few of them:
You’re pretty much constantly begging for food, and eat it enthusiastically every time we fill your dish. But, be honest, do you wish you could have something different? I mean, I know if I was only allowed to eat, say, tomatoes for the rest of my life, I’d probably go a little nuts — and probably throw up after every meal. Wait, is that why you throw up after eating sometimes?
Every time we use the water dispenser on the fridge door, you go nuts. The glares and evil meows you send our way are legitimately terrifying. But we can’t help you because, well, we need to drink water. But also, we don’t know what about this process bothers you. Does the sound of the water trickling into the glass remind you of bad days in the litter box? Does it harken a tragic memory of one of your past lives? Tell me now; I can’t take the suspense!
For the most part, you two ignore each other. On some rare, precious occasions, you cuddle. And then, on other rare occasions, you fight. But why? Did one of you look at the other the wrong way? Is it a turf war over the best spot on the couch? Are you fighting for our attention? Whatever it is, these fights rarely last longer than 30 to 45 seconds, so I guess I can’t get too concerned.
You were first introduced to the laser pointer as a wee, naive kitten. It made sense that you would chase it frantically around the house in hopes of catching that elusive, bright red light. But, as an adult, I find it hard to believe you haven’t wised up. I’ve even let you actually catch up to the laser on occasion, only to find that you can’t grab hold of it. Regardless, every time we get that laser pointer out, you turn into this predatory creature who will stop at nothing to nail the prey. Do you honestly still think it’s something tangible? If so, this makes me sad.
Look, I love sleeping — a lot. But, I spend many of my hours awake so that I can enjoy what life has to offer (and be an acceptable, contributing member of society). I realize, though, that your activities and explorations are limited, seeing that you live in a two-bedroom condo which you can never leave, you probably don’t understand TV, can’t read, and only get to eat one type of food. So, is all of that the reason you sleep so much; because you’re bored and it’s something to do to pass the time? Or do you really, truly love the Zs?
I’m sure you’ve caught a glimpse of yourself in the various mirrors we have around the house. You’re adorable, and you should know that. But, even if I looked like a supermodel, I’d probably be pretty pissed if I had to wear the same damn outfit every day of my life, and even more pissed if it was a coat that I had to keep on even in the summer. Is that how you feel? Does it just drive you nuts when you see us prancing around the condo in our varied digs? I know the cat clothes they sell only cover up part of your coat, but if you really want, I’ll buy you something to make you feel pretty.
Guys, you fall asleep in some bizarre positions. I’m not judging, but I can’t help but wonder — is it uncomfortable? How is it possible that you just wake up, do a quick little stretch, and go about your day? Do you really not feel lingering soreness for hours after?
I know you both came into my life when you were babies, and probably don’t remember your moms. But, do you think I am your mom? And if so, do you wonder why I look and sound different than you, and don’t also use a litter box, eat out of a bowl on the floor, and hang out in box springs?
We certainly call you by your names (and your many, many nicknames) enough, but does it sound any different than the other words we say to you? If you’re both in one room, I’m in the other, and I call one name, will you know which of you I’m talking to? I’m pretty sure dogs learn to recognize their own names, but (don’t hate me) I’m not sure that cognizance exists in cats. And speaking of dogs …
This is your chance to be completely candid. I swear, I won’t tell any of the dogs I know! (But when we eventually get a dog, you may need to hide your true feelings.)
Do you want to ask your cat any questions? Tell us in the comments!
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About Emma Sarran: After a stint in New York City (and a brief affair with thin-crust pizza), Emma Sarran returned to her native Chicago, where she grew up loving Michael Jordan, lakeshore beaches, and deep dish. An eclectic personality, she writes about topics including travel, fashion, and relationships, often on her blog, Sarrandipity. She spends more time than she should admit talking to her two cats, Harlem (who has no sense of personal space) and Squeak (who’s afraid of her own shadow). Follow her on Twitter.