5 Ways My Cats Would Make Great Criminals


I have a serious problem on my hands, and that problem is Ghost Cat. My beautiful pet is getting more devious by the day. You’d never know it to look at her, but there is a criminal mind hard at work behind those baby blues. My girl has a one-track mind when it comes to treats, and she’ll stop at nothing to get them — she’s even grooming Specter to be her criminal protege.

I’ve gotta give my cats credit — they are pretty great at thieving. I have no doubt they could do it professionally. Insert your own joke about cat burglars here, and consider the following five ways my cats would make great criminals:

1. No fear of confined spaces

"Oh, Ghost Cat."

That’s all I can say now when I open one of the kitchen cupboards to find Ghost Cat staring back at me. It’s become a frequent event as she becomes more and more skilled at opening kitchen cupboards. She even ripped one off its hinges.

It took Ghost Cat awhile to figure out that the treats lived in the cupboard above the coffee maker, but once she knew, she began developing a plan to break in. After opening the cupboard one day to find a shredded treat bag, I moved the cat candy to another cupboard, but that didn’t stop Ghosty from figuring out the new location and going after favorite snacks. At first, I was terrified — what if she goes in one day and can’t get out? Ghost Cat proved my worries were unfounded when I witnessed her opening the cupboards from the inside. Like any good thief, Ghost Cat had an exit plan all along.

2. They destroy the evidence (well, almost)

Once Ghost Cat gets her paws on a treat bag, she either eats all the treats while she’s still in the cupboard, or she knocks the bag out of the cupboard before ripping it open. In the second scenario she’ll slice into the bag once it’s on the floor, sharing the treats with Specter (who is still too little to get onto counters and into cupboards). In both scenarios, all the treats have disappeared by the time I get home. If it weren’t for those darn inedible bags, there would be no evidence of any crime. The cats haven’t figured out how to get rid of those, so it’s almost like their calling card. The Wet Bandits flooded people’s kitchens, the Treat Bandits litter mine with shredded baggies.

After coming home to find several empty, shredded treat bags in the cupboards, I’ve started keeping the cat treats in the refrigerator so Ghost Cat can’t get to them.

3. They take advantage of easy targets

Specter especially is a master manipulator. When she wants something, she knows which human can be persuaded with just a few little baby meows (and that would be me). If turning the kitten charm on full blast doesn’t get her what she wants, then she pretty much just takes it anyway and then asks for forgiveness with another overt display of kitten cuteness.

It’s no surprise that she’s got me wrapped around her tiny paws, but her new favorite target is a little more unlikely. GhostBuster, our new dog, will pretty much let little Specter just saunter in and take what she wants. She’s gone from hissing at him in fear to daring him to deny her his kibble. Specter steals from the dog so much, I have to keep her out of his eating area altogether. The sensitive pooch refuses to rebuke the thieving kitten. He’d rather starve than start a confrontation.

4. They aren’t afraid to get dirty

The other day I walked out into the sunroom to find Ghost Cat face down in a bag of dog food. I scolded her, and she looked up from her voracious eating for only a moment before burrowing back down into the bag. I scooped her out and carried her away. For the rest of the day Ghost Cat (who usually smells like the best thing in the world) smelled like the dog’s stinky allergy food. Since then, the kibble goes into lockdown after the dog eats … but the one time I didn’t move quick enough, Ghosty and Specter decided to tag team it.

5. They draw the line at drugs

GhostBuster the dog is on beef-flavored antibiotic tablets (along with other less delicious pills) because he came home from the adoption center with a bad rash. The beef-biotics come wrapped in foil packages, each in an individual pouch you can rip away from the larger group. I was keeping these, along with the rest of GhostBuster’s meds, in a kitchen drawer, because Ghost Cat couldn’t open drawers (or so I thought).

One day, I was in the kitchen chatting on the phone when I turned around to see the drawer open, and Ghost Cat swatting at something on the ground. She had ripped open a package and knocked two of the pills out of the drawer and onto the floor. They were wet, like she’d licked them and then decided she didn’t like them.

I panicked right away, thinking she’d eaten one of the pills. After examining the evidence and counting the pills I came to the conclusion that she hadn’t actually eaten any, just licked those two that she left on the floor. Ghost Cat knows that if you wanna stay in the game, you gotta say no to drugs.

I’m doing what I can to keep the cats from breaking into absolutely everything. The drugs are now stored in a little Tupperware container, and the dog chow is secured in a big plastic tote. The cats haven’t figured out how to work the fridge yet, so for the time being, their treatsies are kept with my condiments. That’s one door Ghost Cat can’t open without my assistance.

Are your cats criminals as well? What’s the craziest thing your cat has broken into? Let us know in the comments.

Read more from Heather about Ghost Cat and Specter:

Learn more about your cat with Catster:

About the author: Heather Marcoux is Ghost Cat’s mom. She is also a wife, writer and former TV journalist. Some of her friends have hidden her feed because of an excess of cat pictures. If you don’t mind cat pictures, you can follow her on Twitter; she also posts GIFs of her cat on Google +.

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