7 Ways My Cats Are Sneaky, Sneaky Thieves


Are your cats sneaky thieves? Mine are, in the most subtle ways. They’re so quiet about their moves that they’ve accomplished whatever they want before I have any warning. Gotta admire a cat’s stealthy skill. Do your cats sneakily take things? Here’s what mine do.

1. They steal my time

I’ll admit that I am a willing participant in this case. Cats often steal my time. It happened just this morning. I should have headed immediately to the office to begin working, without the distractions of cats. Instead, I started working in the house, near the window. I am a window daydreamer anyway, but I also wanted to keep an eye out for Zorro the feral cat.

My efforts were rewarded! I got to watch Zorro come out from the back of the garage, groom himself, set up in the sled bed, and watch me. In fact, he just came back now. He’s so cute that I can’t take my eyes off him. And I’ve willingly wasted a bunch of time. And Zorro wasn’t the only cat who wasted my time this morning. When I work in the house, the cats distract me. Someone suddenly needs to play, or deliberately walks across the keyboard to get my attention, or launches into a noisy play fight. Naturally, I oblige, buy giving them my time. Hmm … maybe they aren’t really stealing time, exactly.

2. They steal my husband’s favorite spot on the futon

Don’t ask me why, but my husband loves the right-hand corner of the futon. As it turns out, so do the cats. The left hand corner won’t do. The middle is passe. The cats wait until my husband gets up, and quicker than you’d believe, a cat slides into that right-hand corner spot. And forget about moving them. They turn into lead bricks, or they give you such a look that you can’t bear to move them. No spot in the house is as coveted as the right corner of the futon, except for the space in front of the fire. I wonder if they’d be as interested in that corner of the futon if it wasn’t my husband’s favorite place.

3. They steal my office chair

Recently, this applies to Chester. Chester had been given special office privileges to help him through some grieving. It seems to be working! Chester is a transformed cat due in part to his time in the office with me. But Chester quickly learned that being in the office wasn’t a big enough goal. So Chester often steals my chair if I get up to do something. And he moves reluctantly — we often share the seat for a while, me sitting half off, until Chester decides that the yoga mat or the desk is a better place.

4. They’d steal human food, if I let them

The bad kitten almost got away with fresh oatmeal cookies, just now. This is the cat who is too smart and who opens cupboard doors. The kitten, apparently bored because I wouldn’t let him knock over the trash can, stealthily leapt up to where fresh cookies were cooling. In a manner of a few seconds, he almost had a mouthful of oatmeal cookies. Believe me, those cookies got put away in a hurry.

5. They work together in teams

I used to have two cats who worked in tandem. One would distract, the other would launch into something bad, like trying to steal people food, or take cat food and knock it on the floor. Perhaps I should have named them Bonnie and Clyde. Now I understand why people come up with cat names like that. I haven’t seen any cats working in teams together recently, but I give it time. With the right dynamic and right combination of two cats, I’m sure it will happen again in my household, one day.

6. They steal the bed, when we let them

When the cats do get a chance to sleep on the bed with us, sleep is impossible. Somehow, a small cat can take up more space than they should on a bed. How does one small cat make it impossible for two medium-sized people to move around in a bed? I don’t know, but it’s a recurring cat thing that I will never understand.

7. They steal my love

But again, how can this be stealing, if I give the love freely? Do I care? No! They can steal whatever they want (within reason). Most especially, they can steal my love, forever.

What do your cats steal in your household? Is your cat a sneaky thief? Share your stories in the comments!

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About Catherine Holm: Told that she is funny but doesn’t know it, accused of being an unintentional con artist by her husband, quiet, with frequent unannounced bursts into dancing liveliness, Cat Holm loves writing about, working for, and living with cats. She is the author of the cat-themed memoir Driving with Cats: Ours for a Short Time, the creator of Ann Catanzaro cat fantasy story gift books, and the author of a short story collection about people and place. She loves to dance, be outside whenever possible, read, play with cats, make music, do and teach yoga, and write. Cat lives in the woods, which she loves as much as really dark chocolate, and gets regular inspiration shots along with her double espresso shots from the city.

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