Cats definitely have their own personalities. They can be snuggly and playful, but they also act in mischievous ways … ways that some might call “criminal.” Stay with me because this is all a joke, people. We all know cats will be cats and sometimes they steal dinner rolls and taunt other family pets. Sometimes, maybe, they even operate an illegal catnip trade out of their cat condos. Really. Really. Keep reading.
Here are the mug shots of seven “criminal” cats, accompanied by details of their transgressions.
1. Crime: Rounding up dinner rolls
This isn’t Maverick’s first offense. He’s a known bread thief, specializing in dinner rolls. He’s left his human family with empty bread baskets on multiple holidays, leaving them to celebrate their special gatherings with loaves of Wonder Bread and tubs of Country Crock “buttery spread.”
Although most of his prior convictions involved Pillsbury products, his latest violation included a dozen clover-leaf dinner rolls that he shared with the Siamese* next door.
* Due to an underage situation, the Siamese cat’s name and mug shot are not released.
2. Crime: Swatting jigsaw puzzle pieces under appliances
“Lefty” Lexington lives in a retirement community where jigsaw puzzles are mainstays on the dining room tables in the common area. Known for his left paw’s strength, “Lefty” bats puzzle pieces off the tables and then swats them under nearby refrigerators, dishwashers, and stoves. His latest reign of recreational terror included direct paw-to-hand interaction as he forcibly knocked several pieces of a 700-piece “Parisian Market” puzzle from the hands of 84-year-old sisters, Agnes and Madge, and then proceeded to volley them, soccer-style, straight to the underbelly of a Whirlpool side-by-side refrigerator.
Agnes said, “I’d been looking for that piece for hours! It was the edge of a wheel of Brie cheese! And it was an edge piece to boot!” Madge could not be reached for comment because her “stories” on TV started shortly after the jigsaw puzzle debacle.
3. Crime: Hosting unsanctioned parties
Everyone in the neighborhood knows “Good Time” Marty because, as soon as the humans leave for work in the morning, he invites hoards of neighborhood cats over for wild, unauthorized parties. During these “events,” garbage cans are tipped, hairballs are hacked into shoes, and inappropriate selfies are taken with the family’s Beagle, Charlie.
After several incidents, Charlie (who’d stolen a mobile phone and taught himself to text … but that’s another story) alerted the family, who immediately returned home and took corrective action. Weeks after the cat’s conviction, the human woman is still finding dried hairballs in her collection of Candie’s wedges.
4. Crime: Trading imported catnip
Cap’n Nip’s cat condo was raided last week, and his humans found several plastic tubs of fresh catnip with markers indicating the greens were from such faraway places as Omaha, Birmingham, and Baton Rouge. In the upper tower of the condo, Hackensack police found as many as 12 orders for the contraband that illegally crossed state lines.
Word on the street is Cap’n Nip is still operating this illicit exchange, even though he’s been on house arrest for several weeks.
5. Crime: Chewing on napkins
“The Kid” McGee was finally caught after an entire bag of paper napkins was found wet and gnawed around the edges. No one suspected this kitten who was known for his adorable mews and willingness to accept belly rubs.
Millicent, the family’s nine-year-old daughter, said. “I thought he was playing with the crinkly snake toy I gave him, but then I walked in and saw him with the bag of napkins. I’d never seen such a wild look in his eyes. It was like he’d become a different cat.”
6. Crime: Jewelry theft
Boss Blingtone’s family believed the cat’s demeanor was standoffish but assumed it was simply a personality trait. Family members usually left him to his own devices, which was their first mistake. Soon, the lady of the house began missing tennis bracelets and valuable gemstone rings. When she couldn’t find her favorite “floating heart” necklace, she became suspicious. After a sweep of the family’s massive home in the Hamptons, she found the pile of missing jewelry behind the brocade divan in the drawing room. Boss was loafed on top of the bling, like a hen incubating her eggs.
All jewelry is now kept in a wall safe behind an unnamed but highly expensive oil painting.
7. Crime: Taunting the family’s bearded dragon
Luther “Come at Me Bro” Jones was a mild-mannered family feline, and then one day his humans brought a bearded dragon home and he just snapped. He spent his days pacing and staring into the reptile’s glass tank. The family’s visiting grandmother remarked, “It was like he was daring the bearded dragon to cross him. Like he was saying ‘Come at me, bro.’ You know know what I mean, right? I’ve never seen a thing like it in all my life.”
He was apprehended after being caught multiple times trying to bust into the tank using a plastic jingle ball toy and a spork.
For what “crime” would your cat be convicted? Do you have a cat pic that looks like a mug shot? Show us in the comments!