Cats seem to have a special affinity for our desks, home office equipment and paperwork. I like to call Cosmo and Phoebe my “furry little assistants,” but I’m not kidding anyone — they’re the bosses and I’m the assistant.
Here are six cats who want to get all up in our business.
1. Looking for holes in spreadsheet calculations
These numbers don’t seem to add up. There should be way more dollars allocated to the cat treat budget than what you have here. I thought we talked about this last month. In fact, I believe I made the changes myself. What gives? Sorry, but I’m gonna have to ask you to come in on Saturday and redo this spreadsheet.
2. Crunching the numbers
We need to talk. I just did some quick calculations with some disturbing results. It appears you have way more framed photos of the dog than you do of me. Yes, there’s a formula for that: number of framed photos squared equals the percentage of how much more you love the dog. Or something like that. Math is hard, even with a calculator, but the bottom line is you pretty much hate me.
3. Gossiping at someone else’s workstation
Nothing to see here. I was only talking to Millie about last night’s episode of The Scratchelor. Did you see it? Those females are the worst. I think a couple of them are in heat. I thought they were all supposed to be spayed — didn’t you? Speaking of not being spayed, did you see Mitzy rubbing up against the water cooler this morning? I swear she has every tom in the office sniffing around her. Get to the vet already! Speaking of toms, did you see Cookie today? I think he was groomed last night or something because he looks good! I wonder if he’s still dating that Turkish Van. Speaking of that Turkish Van …
4. Filing important paperwork
I have the most boring job in the office. All I do it take papers from an inbox and file them behind the appropriate tab. I’ve been doing this for two years and I swear I’m gonna chew my foot off from the monotony. It’s the worst! Why do I keep the job? Secret naps, obviously. The cabinet drawers are pretty deep and when I disappear to file, no one questions my whereabouts. I’m keeping this job forever, man.
5. Dressing for the “job you want”
All the experts say, “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have. This is why I’ve elected to wear a smart tie and collar to the office every day. Sure, I’m an assistant now; however, I hope to someday be a high-powered executive, and then someone will bring me treats during big meetings. I prefer the promotion happen soon, though, because these smart ties and collars are draining my checkbook.
6. Taking a break
Breaks are an important part of the workday. One feels far more refreshed and productive when regular breaks are built into the day. I don’t even need a special break room — I’m quite happy curling up on my office chair and kicking back for a quick snooze. I know, I know — sometimes my snoozes are quite extended, but maybe that’s what I need. You have no idea what I require to recharge and be the best me I can be. Sure, my breaks fill up about 95 percent of my workday, but you should see the quality of output that happens during that 5 percent. I’ll tell you all about it when I wake up. Also, stop judging me!
Is your cat a wanna-be office cat? Tell us about them in the comments!