5 Father’s Day Gifts From My Unemployed, Moneyless Cats


Father’s Day is Sunday, and my kitty girls — Ghost Cat and Specter — have several ideas about what they should get their human dad. Unfortunately for them, my feline duo does not get an allowance (they would just blow it all on Costco-size cans of tuna), and even if they did, they wouldn’t be permitted in the local shopping mall because they refuse to wear shirts and shoes. As unemployed cats, they can’t get a credit card to order online. With limited options, Ghost Cat and Specter have brainstormed alternative (cheap) gift ideas for their dear old dad — you know, the guy who they love more than they love me even though he refuses to call himself a pet parent and thinks catnip is an unnecessary household expense (not that I’m bitter or anything).

Let’s take a look at the Father’s Day gift ideas my moneyless cats have come up with this year.

1. The Sleepy Slipper

"I know! I'll be his slippers! I'm good at keeping feet warm!"
“I know! I’ll be his slippers! I’m good at keeping feet warm!”

Slippers are a traditional Father’s Day gift for good reason. Everybody likes to have warm feet, right? Ghost Cat wanted to get her dad some sheepskin slippers, but unless she gets a job in the next couple of days she just won’t have the money in time. She may not have cash in hand, but she does have a warm body she can lend. In lieu of slippers, Ghost Cat plans to offer to sleep on her dad’s tired feet. She claims she’s twice as warm and nearly as soft as the most expensive sheepskin.

2. Novelty Neckwear

"With me as his neck decoration Dad will always be the height of fashion!"
“With me as his neck decoration Dad will always be the height of fashion!”

Neckties are another staple of Father’s Day gift giving, but Ghost Cat knows she cannot spring for silk — or even a poly blend — this year. She thought about knitting him a scarf instead, but then remembered she doesn’t have opposable thumbs and would just want to hunt the yarn anyway. With that in mind, Ghost Cat has been thinking about offering herself as the most beautiful bit of neckwear in the world. She’s certain that if she just dropped her gorgeous self around her dad’s neck on formal occasions, no one will care that he isn’t wearing a traditional tie as every human will be mesmerized by her jewel-like eyes.

3.The Kitty Babysitters Club

"Remember when we sat on the kid's snowsuit and watched him do nothing? Let's do that again!"
“Remember when we sat on the kid’s snowsuit and watched him do nothing? Let’s do that again!”

My youngest cat, Specter, was once the baby of our family but has recently embraced her role as older sibling to a human infant. Speck thinks it would be nice if she and Ghost Cat offered to babysit so that I could take my husband out on a date as a Father’s Day treat. She’s sure she would be good at it, and claims she “watches” the baby every day, but I haven’t got the heart to tell her that babysitting involves more than just sitting on the kid’s softest stuff.

4. A Living Lawnmower

"These teeth would make short work of that grass!"
“These teeth would make short work of that grass!”

Our powered lawnmower recently died so my husband has been mowing our rather large lot with one of those old school push mowers — just blades on wheels. Ghost Cat watches him do this every weekend and thinks that she could do a better job if we would just let her outside on her leash. She loves eating grass and is confident she could chew the lawn down in less time than it takes her dad to mow it. It’s a nice idea, but I told her it would actually make more work for her dad, as grass loving Ghost Cat would probably regurgitate the whole lawn inside the house — that’s a gift no one wants.

5. An Automatic Alarm Clock

"Eureka! I know what to do for Dad! We'll just keep being loud and obnoxious just before dawn!"
“Eureka! I know what to do for Dad! We’ll just keep being loud and obnoxious just before dawn! He loves that!”

After several days of thinking of gift possibilities, Ghost Cat came up with the winning idea. She decided she and Specter will be gifting their dad with the same thing they got him last year: 365 days of automatic alarm clock service. Who needs to set an alarm when you know your cats will be screaming for food at 5 a.m. every day? Weekday or weekend, Ghost Cat and Speck are always ready to let their dad know it’s time to get up. They’ll never let him down and never let him sleep in. They truly are the gift that keeps on giving.

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