Hi, I’m Dr. Karyn! Read my introduction to learn more about me and meet my five hilarious cats: Clutch, Cyril, Alex, Zelda, and Zazzles.

One really common complaint I hear from cat lovers is that their cats don’t seem to reciprocate their love as enthusiastically as they would like. It is also the reason why some people claim to ‘hate’ cats – better to reject them than be rejected! The irony that many cat lovers will also be familiar with is that the people who don’t want or try to attract the affection of a feline are invariably the ones who receive it. Another classic ‘cat-ism’ is that your cat will want to shower you with love and snuggles at exactly the time it is least convenient.

Case in point: Zelda

Zelda was adopted by Husband as an older kitten; one that had been poorly socialized. Her daily routine generally consisted of eating, sleeping, hiding, and destroying. She had no interest in playing with toys or engaging with any of the other pets or humans that shared her home; her sole focus was shredding the kitchen sponge or loaves of bread. It was only when she was finally caught in the act that Husband realized that the source of all the kitchen confetti was the lightning-fast, black-haired demon that lurked in the shadows of the wardrobe.

Of course, Husband learned to keep the bread in the pantry and hide the sponge under the sink, but accidents and oversights occasionally occurred, and his frustration was nearing the point of explosion. Much as he hated it, his interactions with Zelda had been reduced to silence, frustrated sighs, and delivering & retrieving food bowls. Then, about six months into this rather dismal relationship, it was like someone had flicked a switch in Zelda, and she stopped her reign of destruction and started following Husband wherever he went, jumping into his lap and showering him in love whenever he sat down. She also turned her affections towards Bailey, the gentle yellow Labrador, who, for the most part, ignored Zelda’s loving demonstrations.

Fast forward a few years, and Zelda’s home has become a little more crowded, with the addition of me, a few more cats, and several more dogs. Although she isn’t trotting behind Husband all day, every day, she still loves to sit on his lap and rub herself all over him – honestly, this cat has no shame.

And when is she most insistent about demonstrating her love? It is always when Husband is using a laptop, phone, or PlayStation console. If he is looking busy—Bam!—Here comes Zelda, and this fairy princess is not easily ignored.

Of course, just because this foundation of avoidance and growing resentment has resulted in a relationship of love and affection, it doesn’t mean that this is the method to follow. However…

Reverse Psychology

Unlike dogs, whose threshold for attention and affection has not yet been discovered, and likely doesn’t exist, cats appear to have a definite limit. Each cat’s limit is different and also may differ depending on whom the attention and affection is coming from. That limit seems to exist on the edge of a very sharp drop, and if you exceed your allowance, you are rejected harshly, either with violence or a look of revulsion that makes you wish you’d never been born.

Cats like to be in control. There is a reason why we often say that humans do not own cats, but are owned by them. We laugh about it, but it’s a hollow laugh, built on shame. Deep down we know that if cats had opposable thumbs, the world would be a vastly different place…

Back to reverse psychology!

If you are to have any chance of winning the love and adoration of a cat, you need to make it appear as though it is all their choice; they control when and how much. We are merely here to do their bidding and be damned grateful for the job. If a cat does not feel that they have control of the situation, they are likely to bolt.

So if we want to feel the love of a cat, we must let them come to us. Be disinterested, standoffish, and even walk away. I’m not going as far as to recommend the “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” philosophy of misogynistic dating, but it is closer to the mark than a love-bombing approach. Perhaps, ‘treat ‘em with indifference’ would be more apt, as negativity and punishment are just as isolating as an aggressively affectionate approach.

Cats Don’t Need Friends

In the wild, most felines are solitary by nature, meeting up only for reproductive purposes. They are not social beasts and are quite content in their own company. As they tamed humans over the last 10,000 years, they have become more tolerant of company, even seeming to enjoy it. But the point is, they don’t need it, and that’s why cats have the upper hand. We are prepared to do whatever it takes to be deemed worthy of the attention of a cat, but if they’re not happy, they just walk away without a backward glance. Essentially, cats have got us right where they want us.

Cats Are Loyal Friends

So here’s the good news. Once you’ve broken through into the feline friend zone, you aren’t required to constantly maintain your facade of stoic nonchalance. You can lean in for a smooch, or offer up a cuddle, just don’t get too carried away. But if a cat has decided that you are worthy of their time, they aren’t likely to go back on that decision; that would be admitting a mistake!

If this sounds like I resent cats, then I am saying it wrong. I admire them. They have us providing food, warmth, shelter, and safety, and they haven’t compromised their integrity to do it. All they ask is that we follow their lead, and be cool, calm, and composed in the face of feline attention. Don’t beg, chase, capture, or smother; be patient, and let them come to you. But whatever you do, don’t you dare get up when they’re on your lap!

The Best Solution

If you want to be almost 100% certain of winning a cat’s love, rescue an adult. When you bring home and shower love on a kitten, they often take you for granted! But if you offer your home to an adult cat that has been living rough or neglected, the hard work’s already been done, and you will have a grateful feline friend for life. Just ask Clutch.