Thanks to their stupid-adorable faces, several cats have achieved the kind of fame heretofore reserved for people who record generic pop songs, have insanely rich parents, or are really, really good looking. But hey, I’m not complaining — I smile every time I see a picture of Hamilton the Hipster Cat, and my Lil Bub T-shirt is one of my prized possessions.
But this is capitalism, so it can’t stop there. As a celebri-kitty’s fame grows, it’s only a matter of time before some enterprising young chap will want to turn the heartwarming, lighthearted romp of her life into the kind of biopic that will make you laugh, cry, blow half your paycheck on merchandise, and run to the nearest shelter to adopt a homeless cat.
To save everyone some time, I’ve made some casting suggestions for some of the Internet’s biggest feline stars. Do you agree, or would you cast someone else? Share in the comments!
Lil Bub is a magical presence. Her aura is like a million tiny hummingbirds with hundred-dollar bills in their beaks or the first rain of spring cascading gently down a mountainside. She is pretty much a mythical creature, and the mere presence of her wide-eyed, toothless grin on my Facebook feed can be enough to turn a bad day around.
I feel the same way about Tilda Swinton, who would look totally at home wandering out of a field of sunflowers wearing nothing but peacock feathers and body glitter. Because they both possess the same esoteric je ne sais quoi, Swinton is my first choice to play Lil Bub.
Thanks to his stunning, pure-white ‘stache, Hamilton the Hipster Cat has a lot of fans who listen when he says he liked laser pointers before they were cool. Even though Tom Selleck’s vibe is more “traffic cop” than “craft beers and faux-vintage band shirts,” the Magnum P.I. star still seems a good choice to portray Hamilton, if only because his mustache has similar star power.
Just look at those matching grins. When Zach Galifianakis is not interviewing/harassing his guests on “Between Two Ferns,” Pudge could be the role he was born to play.
Both have faces that are instantly recognizable: Grumpy Cat‘s adorable perma-scowl has spawned the creation of everything from coffee mugs to beach towels, and Steve Buscemi always looks like he’s just stumbled off the red-eye flight, making him the quintessential Creepy Guy in movies.
Just look at ’em — Buscemi has already mastered Grumpy’s heartless stare. As long as he can convincingly deliver the protagonist’s catchphrase — “NOPE,” said with the utter lack of empathy and enthusiasm paralleled only by a cashier at the end of a 10-hour shift — this discussion is as good as settled.
When Jack White was caught looking less than jazzed to be at a recent Cubs game, he unwittingly auditioned for the role of Colonel Meow (RIP, good sir) — and he nailed it. The famously cranky kitty usually just needed a drink — maybe some scotch would make White feel better?
Nick Nolte’s infamous 2002 mugshot looks like that shady guy who has basically taken up residence on the corner stool at the bar, the one who always needs a dollar and a ride but somehow manages to have a backpack filled with fireworks in the middle of December. He’d never hurt anyone, though — well, unless you look at him wrong — and when he’s sober, he’s actually a pretty fun guy. For better or worse, that’s my Bubba Lee Kinsey.
Flighty, unpredictable, and somewhat troubled, Phoenix should definitely be portrayed by the one and only Britney Spears. The only thing preventing my anxious cat from having a booze-and-pills-fueled meltdown and shaving her own head is a lack of opposable thumbs — and a fear of anything that buzzes and/or vibrates, of course.
Who would play your cats in the movie versions of their lives? Tell us in the comments!
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About Angela: This not-crazy-at-all cat lady loves to lint-roll her favorite dress and go out dancing. She also frequents the gym, the vegan coffee joint, and the warm patch of sunlight on the living room floor. She enjoys a good cat rescue story about kindness and decency overcoming the odds, and she’s an enthusiastic recipient of headbutts and purrs from her two cats, Bubba Lee Kinsey and Phoenix.