Adam's Yowlings

I LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!

May 18th 2011 9:52 am
[ View A Comments (15) ]

Thank you so much for all the paw mails and comments and gifts and photos and especially all the LOVE you have sent to Adam & Me. It makes a Mommy PROUD that so many LOVED my “BABY BOY”. It seems time has just stopped for me and I am reliving Friday over and over. My heart just hurts so bad I can’t stand it, the emptiness I feel right now. I still can’t believe My Babboo is gone, I keep looking at the places he slept and I can’t believe he is not there, all I do is cry, I just can’t stop. I hope you guys don’t mind this but, I will tell you .

I just don’t know what happened, week before last Adam was doing better, he had not had diarrhea in almost a month and I really really thought he was going to be OK, He was throwing up some and I know that was so hard for him and me. But, if he ate too much he would throw that up and lose everything. It was so hard to see those eyes look at me wanting food. I could feel those Beautiful eyes looking and begging for food. I know he did not understand why Mommy was being so mean to him and not feeding him like I use too. I fed him anytime he wanted food but then I could not. I know he must have grown to hate me for that, he was so hungry and so so very skinny when he died. I was such a bad mommy at the end.

I took him to the vet that Monday and Tuesday about 3 days before, he just went down so fast and so quick, I really think his cancer came back somewhere else and it was fast growing, but I will never know what happened to “MY BABY”.

Friday, what can I say, it was the WORSE DAY of my life, I LOST “ MY BABBOO”. I woke up and fixed his medicine like I always do, but that day when I took it to him , he would not eat it. He looked at me and was saying “ Not today Mommy, I had enough”. Those Eyes, those eyes, could make do anything . I went to get him some chicken and juice, when he would not eat his medicine at first I always went to get him food, he was hungry. He was laying on the floor, he got up and smelled his chicken and laid back down. I knew, I knew then he was going to leave me that day. I just started crying and picked him up and held my baby and kissed him and told him how much I love him.

What came next I will NEVER forget, all during the time he was sick, I kept asking God and begging God, PLEASE don’t let me have to make that choice that decision. I had two choices I knew that, both were just wrong, so very wrong. How can I take him to that PLACE & PEOPLE he hated so much. I know he would not want to die there, I know he wanted to die around people who LOVED HIM. So I guess I did have to make the choice. But, I paid dearly for that choice, I had to watch My Baby Die. He was so very Brave and Strong all his life, WHY? WHY? Did he have to get that , he didn’t deserve that at all. He fought so hard and now he is leaving me. He still fought to stay with me, He did not want to go, Adam didn’t want to leave his Mommy . At the end Me and his Maw Maw was begging God to come to take Adam back home with him. I could not take this and I know he could not take this anymore, I kept telling Adam , it was OK, please leave Baby, just leave, rest now. Then I heard him cry out , that sound, that sound, it ripped my heart out, I will never forget that sound, then he took 3 gasps of air and then he was gone.

I just screamed NO NO NO NO over and over louder and louder. My Sweet Baby Boy was gone. I know I let him down in the end, and just cried and cried and begged him to forgive me and just held him and kissed him. I took him to the back bedroom, where he liked to stay, time just stopped. I just sat there and held my baby and it was 10 at night, My Mom went to bed. I was going to snuggle with my son one last time, sleep with my baby one last time. But, I could not sleep, so I sat up in bed and just held Adam all night, crying and kissing those babboo lips which I now long to kiss. I begged his forgiveness for letting him down in the end. I scratched his ears and petted him, I looked at him, his nose was so white. You know he had a mood nose, when he was unhappy that nose was so white. But when he was happy he had a Pink Nose. That night is was so white.

Where ever I am, it seemed all my kids are there, no matter what room I went, they all ended up there, at night they all slept in my room near me, that night they all wanted to be with me, they did not understand why I was back there and not in my room. One by one they came that night.

Pumpkin came in and got on the bed, she saw me holding Adam, she smelled him for just a bit and her eyes got so big, it scared her, she ran out into the hall. She wanted to stay, but, she was scared, she slept in a bookcase outside the door, she could see us, she wanted to be near. She always slapped Adam, she was scared of him, he was so much bigger than her, when she was little she started slapping him, but , I know they loved one another too.

Puff did the same thing, now Puff really LOVES me, they all do, but she thinks I am hers. She stays in my lap and if there is another one in my lap I can see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes. Puff always sleeps with me and she was going to sleep with me that night too. But, she got scared her eyes did the same thing when she smelled him. Puff came back a few times and found a bed on the floor, she stayed there for awhile left and came back to stay the rest of the night.

Eve did the same, smelled him and her eyes got big and she left, she came a few times, but she slept in my room in the computer chair where Adam slept. I heard her meow during the night and went to her and tried to get her to eat, she would not. She wanted me to sleep where I always slept.

Pudd was the only one that stayed with me in the room with Adam that night. Adam & Pudd LOVED one another. They were best friends, they stayed on that bed in the daytime together and slept. They groomed each other, they all groomed one another, but they had a special LOVE. Around 3 in the morning, she was sleeping in a bed and got up and looked at us, she came like she always did when we were on the bed together . Pudd came and started smelling Adam, she smelled him for so long and then her eyes got so big, she ran out of the room and then I heard her throwing up, so I went to her, she threw up under the cat tree and then she threw up in my room, she was just so upset she threw up.

Saturday, they all ended up throwing up after they went back to Adam, They were all upset. I thought about cremating Adam, but I didn’t want to burn that Beautiful body, so I went to find him a casket. I found a air tight plastic box and I had some Crushed Purple Velvet so Adam could lay on that. Purple is a Royal color and My Baby was My Little King. I held him when I got home, Pudd wanted me to just hold her, I did but then I told her I was so sorry I had to go hold Adam one last time, so I put her down and went back. I picked up my baby, he never got stiff , he was like a rag doll. I kept asking him was he OK. I was looking at him and my heart just stopped, I looked at him and I knew he was OK, I KNEW where he was. I knew because, I could not believe it, his nose was PINK. Yes, PINK again. I KNEW he was outside and in the sun and walking and listening to the birds. When we went outside, his nose was always pink. But, today it was a pink. I never saw it so PINK. There it is again, Adam was giving me one last gift, to tell me that he was ok, but it stills does not help the pain in my heart. He gave me 3 gifts after he died, the other two were meant only for me, but I wanted to share that one with you. I know he is happy and walking in the sun in the grass.

It was time, I knew, so I kissed and kissed him and petted and told him how much I LOVED him and PLEASE FORGIVE ME for letting you down. I kissed those Babboo lips over and over, I didn’t want to put him in there, but I did. I placed the velvet down and put MY LOVE, MY SWEETHEART, MY BABBOO, MY SON, in that casket, I fixed his paws and tail, I put a Cross around his neck, I bent down one last time and kissed him, then I closed the lid. I put red roses on the top and we all went outside in our front yard. We have a circle with brushes all around you cannot see the road. This is where we walked, this is where he loved to walk and listen to the birds. This was where Little One is buried, we buried Adam next to Little One. I put him in the ground, another nail in my own casket. I read out of the Prayer Book, while My Uncle Buried Him, we all just cried and cried, they left, I stayed. I read some poems to him, I cried and talked and talked about our life and one day we Will be together again. I was trying so hard to remember , but my mind could not think.

I remembered that I use to write a diary everyday, I went to look for them, I was hoping I had some of Adam. I found them and I have the first 2 years of his life, I am so very grateful for that. I was reading on the day I got him or should I say MY GOTCHA DAY, cause he sure did get my HEART and then My Heart left when he died and all I wanted to do was crawl down in that grave with Adam. I read about the first months I had with him, I had forgot some of these things, when I read them, I remembered them. I wished I would have never stopped them. I did start writing again Sunday. I went back to Friday and wrote and wrote about what happened and how I felt, I don’t want to forget anything. I will now write everyday about what Eve & Pudd & Puff & Pumpkin and Me did that day, I will not forget all the fun times now and my family. I know some might think this is crazy but, I don’t want to forget, when I was reading about Adam, I had forgot about things. Now I don’t have to worry about that anymore.

Everyday I take my chair out to sit with Adam, I read him things we did when he was little, then I write what I did with “ My Girls”. I cry and remember , I can’t wrap this around my head that Adam is gone.

I am so sorry for this long post, I just thought you might want to know, what kind of pain I am in, I just can’t handle this, but I have too Eve needs me now more than ever, I got to get her to eat what she needs for her crystals or I will be doing this for her. I really don’t have time to grieve, I have 4 Beautiful girls to take care of , which I feel like I have been ignoring for over a year, Adam needed me.

I feel guilty about not sending Thank You’s and for DOTD, COTD, COTW, MEOWDAYS & GOTCHA DAYS & RAINBOW BRIDGE DAYS,I am sorry that “THE GANG OF FURS” has not sung, they are just to sad to sing right now. You KNOW they LOVE to sing. We feel bad about missing all these days. WE LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH, we want to SHARE YOUR JOY & SORROW with you, but right now , we just can’t. One day Adam will write again and maybe he will write about the GREATEST LOVE STORY EVER, The story of ADAM & CHRISTY. I just HOPE & PRAY that he was not in pain when He left. All I think of is WHAT IF? What could I have done better. Oh, how I wish I could go back and change so many things now, I know how to mix his medicine so he can eat. If only I knew then what I know now, maybe he would not have had such a hard time. Maybe he could have ate more and not have that bad diarrhea for so long and not throw up. I KNOW he would have left me Friday, just like us, his days were numbered too, but, just maybe he would not have been in so much pain and still having fun. And What I will miss seeing and hearing. All the things Adam use to do, I keep thinking about I will NEVER HEAR this , I will NEVER SEE this again.

WE LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH, THANK YOU FOR LOVING US.

Mr. Adam, It was truly an HONOR & PRIVILEGE to be YOU MOMMY.
THANK YOU GOD for sending me The MOST PERFECT LITTLE BOY to LOVE .

ADAM, MY LOVE, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, one day I will have MY BABBOO LIPS to KISS once more and We will NEVER be APART AGAIN.

UNTIL THEN MY LOVE,
MOMMY

 
Purred by: mouser (Catster Member)

May 18th 2011 at 5:07 pm

you are the best mom ever...
mouser
Purred by: Colorado * In Loving Memory * (Catster Member)

May 18th 2011 at 6:11 pm

Your love sustained Adam Dylan throughout his short life. Your loved ones will sustain yours mom. Life is a cycle.

I am thankful he had you for a mom!

Hugs,

Colorado and and Napoleon and their mum
Purred by: Jasper, Angel Dreamboat #49a (Catster Member)

May 18th 2011 at 6:43 pm

We will never forget Adam Dylan, or your love for him. Please do keep writing, and we want to know your other furkids better, too.
Purred by: Buddy (Catster Member)

May 18th 2011 at 6:50 pm

Thank you for sharing Adam Dylan with us.

We won't forget him or the love you have for him.

He is very lucky to have you as a Mom as are your other furry children.

You are in our thoughts and prayers, Christy.
Purred by: Riley

May 18th 2011 at 7:44 pm

Thank you for sharing your story with us Christy.
We will never forget Adam or your special love you have for him.
Your in our prayers and thoughts, Christy.

Purrs,
Riley and Family
Purred by: Baby (Catster Member)

May 18th 2011 at 10:21 pm

Ms. Christy, you need to take care of yourself, FIRST! Thank yous and birthday wishes are unimportant right now.

You did efurthing you could for Adam and most important, you were there with him and for him always. Your love was the last thing he felt before he stepped over the Rainbow Bridge. There's nothing more a kitty could ask for.
Purred by: Rex (Catster Member)

May 18th 2011 at 11:05 pm

We are so sorry for your loss. Adam will always live on in your heart. You were there with him at the end, he knew you loved him.
Purred by: Rex (Catster Member)

May 18th 2011 at 11:05 pm

We are so sorry for your loss. Adam will always live on in your heart. You were there with him at the end, he knew you loved him.
Purred by: Tink the Cat (Catster Member)

May 19th 2011 at 12:23 am

He didn't hate you and you weren't a bad mom. He understood more than you know. I think the cancer hit him somewhere else too and he probably died of organ failure.
In life, we do not always get the set of choices we want. Sometimes the choices are all bad, as yours were. I am sorry for this.
You'll never know how sorry we all are that you lost your beloved baby. Truly sorry!
You gave him so much happiness and love - he never had to know a life without love & security. That is such a special gift, one that not all animals get.
Remember always, this whole set of circumstances was TRAGIC. A tragedy befell your lives. It will take time to heal from it. Be gentle with yourself, and please try not to speak of being a bad mom. You did everything you could & more!!
We wish you all the best things in life. Luv, Tink
Purred by: Natasha (Catster Member)

May 19th 2011 at 12:31 am

Christy- I am so sorry that you had to go through such pain with Adam. He would not want you to suffer. He may not be able to cuddle with you but he is with you in many different ways- your heart, mind, and memories. Please give yourself time to recover. Yes, the others need you but you need peace to know that you did what you could. Cancer takes over so quickly. I lost my Ben to it. Ben will be there at the gate to greet your Adam. Now, be happy that you met Adam and you shared many good times together....He and you were lucky to have found each other...
Purred by: Monida (Catster Member)

May 19th 2011 at 6:01 am

Oh Christy - you are the best kitty mom ever - don't ever doubt that for one minute! You love Adam so much, and he knows it! Please take care of yourself, and know that all of us are here if you ever need anything!
Purred by: Angel Soc Dreamboat #56 (Catster Member)

May 19th 2011 at 5:46 pm

You were a wonderful mommy to adam and you must never forget that,your love and devotion to him was second to none,we cried when we just read your diary because it seems so unfair that such a beautiful relationship should have to end in such sadness,as time passes the happy memories you shared together will become stronger and stronger,you will smile again as you remember the funny little ways sweet adam had,but most of all you will know that you have had the greatest gift of all,the love and total devotion of the sweetest most wonderful little guy ever,i know this is easy for me to say but please try not to dwell on the end try to think of the happy times and to smile again because that is what adam would want, he loved you so much and wouldn't want you hurting,Smile for adam.
We are here for you if you need to talk please remeber that and please take care of yourself.
much love to you and your sweet little ones
Soc and mommy sandra xx
Purred by: Karen C

May 19th 2011 at 8:51 pm

Your love is so strong, Christy. I feel it, and I know Adam felt it too. You are right, Adam is happy now, safe and healthy too here at the Bridge. Adam told me you were the best mom in the whole world, and to please not be so hard on yourself. Life is messy and imperfect, and we have to make hard, difficult, and sometimes very fast decisions. You gave Adam a wonderful, loving life...what more could you do? Please forgive yourself if you felt you made mistakes. And remember, the love between you and Adam is forever.
Purred by: Jack (Catster Member)

May 20th 2011 at 3:39 pm

My brothers and I are very sorry for your loss. Don't worry -- Adam knows you loved him so much. He will always be there for you, both in your heart and your memories of him. Adam would so want you and his sisters to be happy and enjoy your lives until you join him again. You were both so lucky to have found each other. Know we are thinking of you.
Adam's and your friends,
Jack, Bobby & Teddy Kittedy
Purred by: Tabatha (Catster Member)

May 25th 2011 at 10:36 pm

I bet there is another little Adam out there that Adam's going to send you to; another little cutie. We're so sorry Christy, that Adam had to go. But I think there is a good break-through coming, there must be.

You sound like a good Mom because you watched Adam's every move and did what needed to be done. My Dad is going through the same as you; feeling helpless because my sister Serena has a tumor. Praying many times during the day helps a lot.

Dad just went through another thing you mentioned when his Mom died early in May from a stroke, and he thought the same as you: she did not deserve it. But, to help him feel better, he said to himself: 'we knew this would happen one day. It happens to every single one of us. We have to accept what we know will happen and accept the nice memories that are left over. They are not completely gone; God gave you memories to have, forever'.

I hope you have lots of photos and home movies; you can re-live your times with Adam.

Finding your diary of little Adam is a miracle gift; to have written it when he was small and then to still be able to find it and go over again what you used to do, is almost like magic.

You'll be busy with your other kitties now, and that will help take your mind off of things. They'll need your love a lot now; it is their turn now, for your love. Kitties love to have all of our attention.

You and Adam will be together again one day and we at Catster will always remember Adam too; and being hopeful, I think he will send you a kitty similar to how he was.

How right you are to thank God. For he sent you a perfect gift to love. Adam was God's gift, given only to you; not given to anyone else ever; but given only to you. How lucky you are to have had that warm little boy gift from God.

I'll look forward to Adam coming back to fill us in on his thoughts, in his Catster Diary.

This was a sad time for you but as you know, day by day things gradually become easier. You will need your other kitties and they'll need you too; Never Fear.

Lots of Love Tyson xo

 

Adam Dylan


 

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Eve Layla
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Little One
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9/24/05)

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