My Life, by... a Princess

Goodnight, My Beloved Princess....Parting is such GREAT - Sorrow......

The night before Princess left me

I wrote a small diary and a Tribute to the last days of my loving and beloved kitty - Princess, who suffered from cancer since March 2004 when she was 12 years old. She had 3 operations, healed from all of them, rallied, played, ran and was a happy rascal until the cancer metastasized to her lungs. Then she became progressively weaker, still showing a fierce fighting (and playing and loving) spirit, which I did NOT dare (nor did I want!) to extinguish, as I knew that when the right time came — SHE would let me know.

And she did.

** Monday October 17, 2005 **

I was hand-feeding Princess tonight when I felt her soul starting to leave her body – don’t ask me how I knew -- but it was the same exact feeling I had when I was sitting by my dying uncle's bed in the hospital -- I felt his soul leave his body, and 5 minutes later he took his last breath.

I wish I could know more about the spirit world -- there seems to be so much comfort in that knowledge.

Goodnight Sweet Princess....Parting is such DEEP sorrow.......
4 am, Wednesday October 19, 2005:

I came home Tues nite, Oct 18 and hand fed Princess again and gave her a little water. She ate a little baby food I'd put in a dish. She was lying down, and her eyes showed pain.

Later that night, as I rushed to and from my chores, which included petting, feeding and comforting Princess, I blew some soap bubbles for her. She always loved to look at them, eyes wide, and meditated on them when they fell next to her without popping. She never touched them, but I could see her eyes following the bubbles -- and then she, who had been lying in the same spot for 24 hours, only to get up and totter to the litterbox and back, suddenly jumped up and tried to whack one of the bubbles with her paw -- and immediately her rear legs gave out. She started crying and gasping. She tried to get up again and her rear legs gave out again.

You know, about 3 weeks ago a psychic (for real) friend told me that "when Princess starts to play like a kitten, that means the end is near" . I remembered what he said, just then.

She lay there gasping and moaning and I knew it was time. I talked to her and told her what we were going to do. I HATED to have to do it. I lay on the floor with her for a little while and she bravely and pointedly dragged herself over to me in a hurry, and cuddled up next to me twice while I caressed her oh-so-skinny body. Then I got dressed and I picked her weightless body, wrapped it in one of her sleeping towels, and held her, lovingly cuddled her next to me oh so carefully, put her in the carrier with her favorite mousie toys, and took some of her beloved brushes with me.

G-d bless my friend and neighbor for loaning me her car all this week. It was downstairs and ready for us, parked with enough space on the passenger side to be able to open the door to put a big carrier in. As I drove Miss P to the vet at 2:30 in the morning, I looked up at the deep blue night sky, saw a star and said "Princess -- you will be a star in the heavens soon!!"

It was a BEAUTIFUL night -- made for a resurrection -- the air was sweet, the crickets filing the air with late song singing in tune with Mother Earth’s rhythms, there was a beautiful hush in the air, the stars were ALL out, and the moon was full. The streets were empty save for a few lonely cars here & there.

The night sky looked very much like it had when Princess appeared to me in that dream in Feb 2005, dressed in the night sky, wearing the stars and clouds and the crescent moon.

We got to the vet's at 2:30 AM. They took her inside to put a catheter in and I had to run to the bathroom -- when I got back they told me to rush in as she was almost about to die a natural death on the operating table. I knew if she died a natural death it would be horrible, as her lungs were filling with fluid.

There she was lying on the table -- a vet tech was giving her oxygen from a long tube -- putting it in front of Miss P's nose so she could breathe. I could hear Princess’s little gasps and little moans. My poor little girl! She deserved SO much better than this!! Miss P looked so fragile and I felt oh so sad. I had the vet give her a muscle relaxant before she gave her the barbiturates, and I kissed Miss P's forehead and brushed Miss P gently before the needle went in. I looked in her beautiful green eyes as she went very quickly, not moving a muscle.

The dear little girl waited until the last minute to be with me. She stayed until she literally HAD to go. What love -- do I deserve that?! I HAVE GOT to be good so I can go to Heaven and be with Princess.

I am sure a loving someone from the Other Side came to escort Princess to the Rainbow Bridge.

Oh I felt SO bad. But she looked like she was sleeping and I KNOW that my beloved feisty kitty was happy to get out of that worn out, painful body. Cancer is a demon.

Everyone there was crying, even the Vet.

I took Miss P into the quiet room and talked to her a while, brushed her, and then took her back home with me. When I looked at her in that room, so still, still warm, but gone from this existence, I felt such great sadness for those lost, abused and abandoned animals who die a lonely death out there by themselves. I am determined do something about that - there is FAR too much suffering in this world, and every human being who changes things for the better makes a HUGE difference in the life of an animal and a fellow-human being.

On the way back home with Princess in her little box, on the passenger’s seat, I felt her spirit, as alive and mischievous as ever.

I have a presentation to make at work in less than 6 hours -- oboy....... I'm leaving for home immediately afterwards -- whether they like it or not.

Princess, G-dspeed.....all your pain is GONE. Thank you for more than TWELVE years of your special wonderful love. Enjoy your Paradise. We will meet again. My heart aches SO badly – I can now understand why some people and animals can die of grief when the one they love dies.

Princess is in my heart forever -- my BEST friend and wonderful angel

** Missing my Beautiful Princess **

October 19, 2005 3 pm

Well, the presentation at work went well. I kept a low profile, although I was the one who had to introduce he speakers, since I was the one who organized this presentation. I volunteered to advance the slides in the slide projector (the remote was not working), and since I had not slept in over 24 hours, I kept nodding off between slide changes. I went home after the presentation to pick up my beloved Princess, who was “resting” sweetly in her box, on the tarpaulin in my room, and take her to the dreaded crematorium. Oh she looked like she was sleeping – her luminous green eyes were just as beautiful as ever, her fur so soft. Oh where have you gone, my beloved???

Before I took Miss P to the crematory, I picked up her little box and gently brought her out to the (cat proofed, fenced-in) balcony that she loved so much and where I would place her on her last days to enjoy the still-warm sunny days (without Big Bad Baby Twinkle or Cee Cee to bug her) -- Now I placed her, lying as though asleep, in her box, on her favorite chair, told her "it's a beautiful day my love" , put her toys around her box, and let her stay there for a little while. The sky was a beautiful October blue, the sun was shining, the birds she loved to watch were singing, and a gentle breeze blessed the both of us, as she lay there in her little box on the chair she loved, surrounded by her toys, and I watched over her. My other cats were behind closed doors. Then I kissed her, and took her to the crematory, with heavy heart.

When I walked into the door of the crematory, carrying Princess in her box, I immediately started crying. I looked at the kind woman at the desk and said “I was ok until I came in". She replied, with a kind heart, "Most people who come here are like that." Then I waited and my friend Anna came in -- a big strong woman, legs like tree trunks. As soon as she walked in and saw Miss P she started sobbing, which started me up again. There were kleenex boxes handy. We sat and talked and stroked Miss P's body, which looked so much like she was just sleeping, and then we filled out the paperwork.......and left; I had to force myself to leave - I wanted so badly to run back in and get her back from that place. The woman behind the counter was VERY kind.

Tomorrow I have to pick up Miss P's ashes -- I felt SO bad at the thought of Princess being in that cremation place, being cremated, but my wise friend Michael, who is a priest in an “alternative” religion told me -- think of it as this - "Princess is going into the sun to be renewed".

And my dear friend Anna bought me an urn for Miss P, with a place for a picture -- I will surround it with Princess’ toys.

After 12 + years of being immersed in Miss P's love, I now must learn day by day to go forward as another phase of life begins. Life feels so cold without her.

I have a nice (Pumpkin scented) candle burning (safely) near her photo -- I will burn candles for the next 14 days to celebrate each year of Princess's life.

I tried to get on the computer but was hit with a wave of exhaustion – it being 36 + hours since I had any sleep. Blow out the candle, hit the sack.

** Dreaming of Princess **

Thursday October 20, 2005 - a.m.

I dreamed about Princess last nite -- she was reclining peacefully in front of me - her image was pink - glowing and almost translucent but it was unmistakably Princess -- she was waiting for me peacefully, wearing her little (again, pink) harness and her (pink!) leash was neatly coiled next to her, as though waiting for me to pick it up and go walking with her. Her image was repeated twice, perhaps as a way to emphasize this to me (she never walked on a leash but she'd wear the harness and leash and I'd carry her in my arms safely holding the leash when we used to talk walks in the neighborhood, while I made sure to look out for dogs and.... not-so-nice people too).

She looked great in my dream. Someone also told me that pink is the color of love.

** Thursday October 20, 2005 - 3:40PM **

And yes she did visit again!!

When I got to the crematory today (after missing the turnoff TWICE, then almost speeding right by the building) the lady went in the back and came out with a bag in which was the plastic box holding Miss P in an alternative form. I took the bag, hugged it, and then I placed it on the counter and talked with the woman -- when.....I suddenly felt what was like a friendly “glowing” head butt in my solar plexus, and I turned to the bag, patted the box inside of it, and said "Hi Honey!" I knew it was Princess - probably telling me -- "Hey, I'm here - don't ignore me!" The woman did not bat an eyelash -- the stories SHE could probably tell.

When I got home, I made the mistake of reading the "Rainbow Bridge" card they had enclosed with the papers -- oh did I sob!! (My poor neighbors!! Paper thin walls).

And...when I got back home – I got off the elevator and started to rush to my door to see how Princess was -- when I remembered....oops.....

I am glad I'm returning to work Friday.

** Princess in the Sky with Diamonds/Stars **
Friday October 21, 2005

Wow -- this morning I woke up and looked at that humble little black plastic box holding Princess in an “alternative state” ...... with 2 cat toys on top of it. Then I once again looked at the place where Princess had rested so much, especially in her final days. There were blankets and towels all over that floor -- her fake sheepskin circle bed turned upside down over the rag rug -- she'd lie down under that little round sheepskin bed and stay warm, with just her head sticking out - I used to tell her she looked like a little Princess Turtle.

On the days that I'd leave for work, I used to go over to her, feed her, scoop the litterbox, brush her and give her scritchies and kiss her head. She would purr a raspy purr, and then I'd check everything to see if the fans, etc were turned off and I'd start to leave that room -- she'd usually be looking at me -- and then of course I'd turn right around and go back to give her another kiss on the head, and wish her well - "I hope you are here for me when I come home tonight" I would say as I left for the day.

I'd lock the bedroom door and worry for the rest of the day, and would be SO happy when I got home and there she was, waiting for me. I would usually lie spread-eagled on my stomach on my bed so my head and arms would hang over her sick bay and I'd talk to her, give her scritchies, and hear her wonderful purrs. Then I'd settle in for another round of hand feeding, brushing etc.

So I've been VERY reluctant to remove ANY of those items. But this morning as I looked at them, I started to think - "Why do I seek my living Princess in here? She is now free from pain - she is totally alive in another dimension!" My heart leapt with joy - perhaps Miss P was touching my heart and talking to me. The thought gave me great comfort -- but I still did not dismantle anything -- other than to take the bag of litter over to CC's area.

And... for the past couple of days:

1- I thought I saw, out of the corner of my eye -- a little grey head peeking around the corner of the bathroom door. Hmmm.......... (she used to wait outside the bathroom door, and when I opened it her little head would peek in, and she would trot over the toilet seat, jump up, and place her little front paws on the sink so she could get a luxurious “BRUSH”ing from me—I was always happy to comply – she’d purr and we’d rub cheeks and I’d kiss her head, tickle her belly, and brush brush brush her, to her great joy.

2- and I thought I saw some movement in the hallway where Princess and BBBT used to run like a herd of buffalo.

Now I'm back at work. On the bus this morning I met 2 kind ladies - fellow-choir members/cat people, who had heard the news and were SO kind. When I got off the bus to go to the subway escalator, it wa pouring rain. Little did I realize that one of those ladies was right behind me on the escalator, holding her umbrella over me! "I thought you'd want to stay dry", she said with a kind (and understanding - she has 2 cats) smile."

My heart still aches so.

One day at a time.

I'm not much of an artist but I would like to try to paint a picture (or maybe paint a ceramic cat statue) of Princess as I saw her when she came to me in a dream while she was in the incubator last February in the emergency clinic-- they had operated on her 2nd tumor last February and could not get her temperature up.

In that dream in February, I saw her materialize through my bedroom window and land on her favorite (carpeted) file cabinet. She was dressed in the night sky - instead of her fur, she was clothed in the dark beautiful blue night sky, with the night clouds and stars (and the crescent moon I think), but I could see her cat form and she was perfect and healthy.

Now that I write this I suddenly realize that the night sky, on this recent October night when she died, was as beautiful as the one she was "wearing" on that February night when she visited me while she was in the incubator. How prophetic!!!!

Wow -- how much of this world there is that do we NOT know about.....

October 23, 2005
4 pm

I went to a local Shape note (Sacred Harp) singing session Sunday afternoon to ease my sorrow -- the songs are always uplifting, and the harmony is beautiful. There were quite a few people there -- I told them Princess had passed, and I was there to ease my soul, and one sweet lady pulled a small photo album out of her purse and showed me photos of her kitties, including one who had passed 5 yrs ago. One woman in the group, when we were singing "we are happy in Your presence" changed the words to "She is happy in Your Presence" and also modified another verse when she sang "She is purring near the throne." -- I thought that was SO kind of her!!!! She told me how a few weeks after her kitty passed away, there was a loud meowing at the door -- when it was opened a new kitty walked right in and made himself at home. He is still living there...!!

When the singing ended and I left, I got some warm hugs from people in the group who understood. And the singing was really uplifting!

I found a book called "Cat Heaven" and it is so sweet -- it was at the (ugh) crematory so I got one from Amazon used books -- childlike drawings and simple but sweet verse. (They have one for "Dog Heaven" too)

I hope I did the right thing for Princess. I think I may have been fighting a losing battle, period. And I am really wondering if her cancers (other than the breast cancer, perhaps….) were due to several years of vaccinations in the shoulder area and the thigh (before they switched to intranasal vaccines (which I am still leery of). Poor Poor kid. I DID come upon a transcript from a recent communication with her in Sept where she was asked "What can your mom do for you?" and she said she really didn't know. And I do remember the last communicator asking her the same thing and that's when she mentioned fish and oily fishy stuff, none of which it turned out she liked (other than salmon). I also remember Princess telling one of those communicators that “Baby Twinkle puts a twinkle in her eye”. BBBT is a big fat bully but she can be extremely silly at times.

October 25, 2005
745 am
Memories of the strength of a soul

This morning as I looked at the place where Princess had lain (NOTHING has been moved) and remembered how SURPRISED I was last week , on Monday morning Oct 17 of last week, when I said "brush!" -- one of her VERY favoritist words . When she heard me say that, she sat bolt upright in her bed -- skinny skinny body and all (and facing AWAY from me, which was strange....!) . For many days prior to that morning, I had been brushing a VERY supine languishing Princess, who hardly moved -- but on that Monday before she died, there she was, sitting straight up waiting to be brushed. Of course, I walked over and gently obliged her, brushing her “left” cheek and her “Right” cheek (and she would incline her head in that direction, purring happily) and then I gently brushed her sides and back – oh you could see her backbone—she had lost A LOT of weight – but even so, her fur fairly gleamed.

I believe her INTENSELY STRONG SPIRIT was enabling her body to do things she normally could not.. Also one Saturday before she died, I had found her lying behind the bedroom door, looking up at me when I walked in -- I'm sorry to describe it this way but she looked like a corpse looking up at me-- I was SO surprised she had gotten there – it must have been an effort for her to get there from the other side of the room, 20 feet away. And then the Tuesday before she died, she had gotten onto the cushion near my bed -- and was looking at me-- I truly believe she wanted to get on the bed, but at that point I knew she was in pain, and could NOT jump down from the bed, So I would have been putting her in grave danger if I even tried to pick her up.

Second guessing is unfortunately inevitable. Boy am I ever doing it -- but I think I hear a little beautiful voice saying "Meowmie -- you tried everything you could think of ! Be ok Meowmie -- I love you forever!"

There IS a fine, kind world on the other side – my beloved kitty Princess may very well be lying on her back, showing off her frowzy belly, and extending an arm out to me when I finally come over, with a big big smile on her face and all that beautiful love in her luminous green eyes -- looking just like she did when I first met her and was enchanted by her inner and outer beauty. We will be together again, we will no longer know pain, we will know IMMENSE happiness. . . . but for now, even in the midst of my grief and longing for her, we truly are only a heartbeat away from one another.

But knowing all this will not stop the pain.

October 27, 2005
6 am

I woke up this morning and felt a pain in my soul—no Princess trying to pull the covers off my face to harass me, smooch me and pat me on the face, nibble my earrings or blow her breath into my ear. What a loss. Sometimes when she cuddled with me, she would lie down and throw herself at me, back first so her little round furry back would press against me. I would caress her and we would both purr….

This morning, Baby was on the cat tree, looking pointedly at the place where Miss P usta lie down sometimes - hmm... wonder what she was seeing.....I let Baby into my room but I don't let her sleep with me -- I just can't handle it. I feel bad about that becuz I know she wants to -- but I just can't.