The Unwritten Code of Cats

_~_~_~_~Guidelines for where to sit or lie down. _~_~_~_~

It is considered bad form to lie on the bare floor, couch, or bed. An exception is made for the human's favourite chair, which you are allowed to sit on no matter what (or who) is there.
On a bed, there will often be laundry or clothes lying there. It is your duty to lie on them to get your beautiful fur on them. If there is a choice, choose either the cleanest item or the item which contrasts most strongly with your fur. If your human protests, act cute.
It is also your duty to lie in an area that makes your human contort to the greatest extent if s/he wishes to share the bed/couch with you.
Even resting on a book or a newspaper on the floor is preferable to just lying on the floor. Newspapers are particularly important to sleep on if your human has them on the floor for his/her reading convenience.
Select a chair to sleep on that hampers your human the most. For example, if your human is doing a craft on the kitchen table to prevent your interference, it is your duty to take a nap on the chair your human would like to be sitting in. No other chair at the kitchen table will do.
If kicked off any preferred seating, it is of critical importance that you not immediately go about your business. You must either sit still for a time, washing yourself to save face, or lie on the floor to make your human feel guilty. If the human cheats by moving your resting chair and/or sitting in a different one (in a situation such as the kitchen table example above), you may be able to continue hampering by jumping into the human's lap. If the human has to get up to get something and dumps you off, immediately occupy the chair and look smug. Of course, the human will just switch chairs again. This game can be played for hours.

~_~_~_~_Guidelines for when humans are trying to use the computer:_~_~_~_~

Always remember that *you* are more important than some warm, humming set of boxes.
If your human wants to look at the picture, make sure that you're lying on the picture box (shedding hairs inside the slits on the top, of course). Drop your tail, your paw, or your entire head in front of the picture box at randomly chosen intervals. Look lonely.
The clackety thing that your human taps its fingers on offers may opportunities for fun. When you're new in the house, you can get away with blatantly walking all over it for a while as your human patiently tries to manoeuver your paws awijdfl.dnfldfnv m,nv,.vdn l.dn ... ahem ... tries to move your paws off the small clicky bits. Pretend to learn that this is a Bad Thing To Do. Now roll onto your back beside the clackety thing and you're sure to press something important as you're getting your belly rubbed.
Advanced users may choose to wrestle with the small rolly thing with the very long tail. This is sure to increase your knowledge of things humans usually either mutter or say *very* loudly. Warning: you may find this is the point where you get picked up and dropped off the desk. Don't give up hope at this point: stay very close to the chair and there's a good chance that your human will accidentally roll the chair's wheels onto your paws. Cry out piteously when this happens and agree to be picked up and cuddled in apology by your human (see 4a for a corollary to this rule).
If you're very lucky, your human will have another box that periodically starts humming very loudly and spitting out paper. This is a good time to challenge it to a duel. Hiss, fluff out your tail, and make your eyes go absolutely black. You can jump on top of this box and poke your paws into its mouth or its butt and try to either fish out the plain paper or kill and eat the decorated paper -- this is your choice. *Warning*: this game is for advanced users only. You may not just get yelled at and dumped on the floor, but may be removed to another room entirely while the door is shut to keep you away. Those who have experienced the pleasures of this variation usually agree that it's worth it.

~_~_~_~_Humans ~_~_~_~_

Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house.

One way to keep your human healthy is through agility training. You can do this by running ahead of your human, maintaining a distance of about one and a half of the human's paces, and suddenly stopping to clean yourself. If the human doesn't trip over or boot you (a very real hazard, especially from beginner humans), s/he is fit and able to avoid all sorts of danger in his/her world. A bonus from this exercise is that the sight of the human will be very amusing and you can share the experience with your friends on the back fence.



********Waking Them Up
It is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets dark, just when the day is young and the masters of the house are fresh and ready for play. It is known, however, that sleeping humans are boring to be around and that they occasionally must be roused to attend to our needs, such as to get fresh food or water or to retrieve a toy that was batted under the sofa. Almost all of them strongly dislike being dragged out of bed in their so-called "wee hours". Some will even pretend to be asleep even when we know they're not, hoping we'll give up and go away. Persistence is the key to success in any case.
One effective method of rejuvenating a dormant human is the "direct approach", namely jumping on the bed and doing one or more of the following: trampling, licking and/or nibbling any exposed parts, purring, meowing, head-butting, light taps on the eyes, or playing "Catch Mouse" or "King of the Hill". This may only result in your being ejected from the bed, but at least you now have the human's attention.

If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, knocking over and looting a wastebasket, knocking items off the dresser, singing at the top of your voice, or even curling up on the human's head (often the only visible part). As well as being warm, in this way you will be aware of any movement made by the human, probably even before he is aware of it. You will be unlikely to wait for long. Another effective tactic is to jump, walk or knead on the human's abdomen, where the bladder is located. If the human hasn't been to the Big White Drinking Bowl during the night you can be sure of a rapid response. Eventually, the human will get up and do what you want, usually employing some bad language while doing so.

Warning: It is not advised to do this on a regular basis. It will very likely result in your being "banished" from and denied access to the bedroom altogether, in which case it becomes much more difficult to get them to respond to your wishes. Thumping the door or yowling may be initially effective, but will likely result in being further banished to the basement or even the kitty carrier! Discretion is thus strongly recommended.
Of course, if the human gets up on his own in the wee hours to go to the bathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding while he is too sleepy to put up much resistance.

********Mornings
In order to provide and care for you, the humans must leave the domain every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help them on their way, either yowl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, gently bounce on top of them in bed, knead their chests, purr, and/or drool on them. See also WAKING THEM UP. The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their clock begins to blare or ring. We must protect them from the noise because it could ruin their sense of hearing.

********Guests
Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for particularly bad "tuna breath", so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.

********Laps
Undoubtedly THE best way to get attention from a human is to jump in his/her lap and purr. Few humans can resist because it makes them think you like them (which may even be true!). Ear scratches, belly rubs, back stroking: all these and more can be yours. Some cats like this treatment a little TOO much and acquire the silly name "Lap Fungus". Lap sessions also provide golden opportunities for shedding; be sure to take advantage of clothes which contrast with your fur (see also GUESTS). Unfortunately, humans have the annoying tendency to want to get up to do their mundane activities, like answering the thing that rings or going to the Big White Drinking Bowl. Protest this disturbance with accusing looks and plaintive meows. Some laps may require "softening up" with a little kneading; just be sure not to use the claws or you may have an unexpected flying lesson!

********Confusing Them
Humans (for the most part) love order and predictability. They especially like their pets to be predictable. So if you are in the mood to indulge in a little low-risk mischief, behaving irrationally is an excellent option. The usual method is to simply tear around the house at top speed talking to yourself and perhaps launching a frenzied attack on an unsuspecting toy. If there are two or more cats in the household, you can take turns chasing and wrestling with each other. This is usually good for a shake of the head from the human, along with "Crazy cat(s)" muttered under his/her breath.

Another way to baffle the humans is to interrupt your passage across a carpet (at whatever velocity) with a sudden vertical leap into the air. Then continue on as if nothing had happened. If you're skilled enough, you may be able to convince the human(s) that there are "rug worms" in the house. A third way, which isn't quite as fun as the others but which tends to get better reactions from the humans, is to stare fixedly at a blank wall, turned-off TV, corner of the room, or whatever, and pretend to carry on a conversation with another cat. The humans, who may already be convinced that you're from outer space, will think you're talking to your friends, the "Jupiter People". If they start talking about mailing you to Mars, it's a good idea to lay off this prank for a while.

********Organization
Let's face it, humans are a disorganized lot. They need constant supervision in order to get things done right and on time, such as feeding their masters, retrieving lost toys, etc. Humans also need assistance in keeping their masters' home organized. They have to be continually reminded that things belong on the floor, not on shelves, bookcases, tables or dressers where accessing them may be inconvenient for their masters. It will be up to you to keep your household properly organized. Feel free to take items such as pens, buttons, waste paper (such as the stuff they call "tax return"), and unsuitable toys and relocate them to better spots, such as the water bowl, under the stove, or down the hot-air ducts (humans are always grateful if you do this with tax returns). This should be done when the humans aren't around, as they will always interfere. When the human discovers your handiwork, he will praise you with such sayings as "Damned cat!" and "You little monster!" At this point, you should say "You're welcome!" with purring and rubbing against his/her legs.

********Vets And Medicine
The vet is the person to whom your human will take you when you are sick. The place smells funny, there are usually other cats and dogs in the waiting room, and awful things like needles and pill prescriptions will happen there. The usual result is that you will get better, which is good, but you just can't let those humans cathandle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and medicine.

Unless you are really sick, when you see the carrier come out, run and hide somewhere inaccessible, such as under the bed or behind a couch. Once the human finally grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so that it is difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in with another pet, try to allow the other pet to bolt out the door. In the car, meow plaintively all the way down to the vet's. If possible, reach through the bars of the portable prison and try to claw the human as s/he drives. At the vet's, splay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier's walls if you can so that they can't dump you out easily.

If you are well enough, you must resist attempts to feed you pills or any liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide as in part a). Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Once the medicine is in, try to spit it out, preferably by shaking your head vigorously. If the humans manage to get the pill into to your mouth and are still holding you waiting for you to spit it out, swallow, but keep the pill in your mouth. Then after being let go, find a suitable hiding place and spit it out. Make sure that the humans do not find the hiding place, so they think that you took the pill. Don't use the same hiding place twice. Refuse any food that looks or smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled on it. Unfortunately, humans can be REALLY unfair and put it in tuna. In this case, accept grudgingly. Look aggrieved after the medicine session is over.

********Illness
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

When you get sick in the house, you should hover around the general area until a human spots the mess. You should act as if you are guarding the stuff for the human and then quickly vacate the room.

If taken outside, you should take every opportunity to scarf down as much grass as possible (while not being spotted). After ingesting a "critical mass" amount, whine and scratch at the door to be let back in the house. After entering the house head for the traditional illness locations and let it rip.

If the urge strikes at night when your human is asleep, you can retch as loudly as possible so that the human will wake up. That failing, choose a location where the human's bare foot is likely to find it. They don't see very well in the morning and need assistance in locating the mess. If the human has neglected you by leaving (see MORNINGS), cover the fruits of your labours with whatever is handy, such as papers from the desk. That way you can soil another object besides the carpet.


********Vacations
Occasionally your humans will want to go away on a "Vacation", "Holiday" or "Trip". Knowing that you hate travelling, they will want to leave you behind. The choice of boarding at the cattery or "Kitty Camp" is to be avoided at all costs. This means you have to find another human in the neighborhood who will be willing to look after you while your regular humans are away. This is not hard to do when you're able to patrol the neighborhood and locate suitable holiday accommodation. If you're a house cat, you'll be stuck with whatever human your regular humans can find.

In most respect, the substitute human performs the same functions as the regular humans i.e. feeding, changing the litter box and perhaps even playing with you. Since most substitutes don't know your feeding habits, try extra hard to get more food. A few minutes after you've cleaned out your dish, go into "feed me" mode again. Be cunning. Use big soulful eyes, low moans, extra head-butting and rubbing. Meaningful stares at the empty dish will convince them they have under-fed you. Use all other tricks that used to work on your more hard-hearted regular humans. The substitute humans have not had an opportunity to develop an immunity to these ploys.

If you are confined to the house while your regular people are away, try to escape as the substitute human arrives to look after you. Hang around the door as they arrive and try to sneak out as they open the door. They will be forced to spend many hours looking for you. This is most effective if they leave the door open and you are found sleeping on the sofa as if nothing had happened. Remember: once out, you may miss your dinner so do not try this too often.

If the substitute human performs poorly, like showing up late for your feeding times or failing to clean the litter-box often enough, let your regular humans know your displeasure with the usual punishment, like wetting the bath mat, clawing furniture and generally messing up the place.

When your humans return, there are several different ways you can treat them:

-Behave as if they have never been away. If you are normally aloof, remain aloof - but make sure the substitute human tells your people how affectionate you were, following them everywhere and demanding affection at every opportunity.
-If you are the cuddly type, your regular humans will be so pathetically grateful that you still love them you will be amply rewarded for doing what comes naturally anyway.
-Act as though you preferred the substitute human. Wait at the door at the times the substitute human arrived for feed you. Run to the door whenever someone calls at the house. Your regular humans will begin to feel inadequate and try to bribe you. After all, you have just spent several days training the substitute human to do things exactly the way you like.
They had deserted you so make them feel guilty.
-Ignore them completely - they have betrayed your trust. Do not even stay in the room with them (that'll teach them to go away and leave you!). They will be so desperate to regain your trust that you will be allowed to get away with usually forbidden activities. If you play the part well enough, you will never be shut out of the bedroom again.
-Act as if you are overjoyed to see them. After all, how were you to know that they would return? Behaving like an absolute lunatic, running about the house, getting all your toys out and generally being a nuisance (see hampering). They will be so pleased that you actually remember them that you will get your own way, for a while at least.

Leave a Comment