July 12th 2011 4:09 pm
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Why are humans never reliable?
We got the catputer fixed, I was all ready to dictate my diary to mom when she packed up the puter and went to bed. Mom was ill yesterday and wanted an early night so I couldnt do my diary.
I wanted to report the excitement we had the other night.
We were all snoozing quietly when all of a sudden there were flashing lights outside our house. Mom went upstairs to see what was going on (humans are so nosey). There were 7 police cars outside and they were arresting two people. A bit over zealous if you ask me, so much for living in a quiet village. What with fireworks and criminals, standards are slipping around here! Before we know it, Blizzard will be moving in next door!!
Owner's Guide For Cats
Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.
CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.
COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.
FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.
TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.
Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.
July 10th 2011 4:36 pm
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Yep, its true, I am back!!!
We got a new router. Dad phoned the people on friday and they said they will put one on order for us but it would take 5-7 days, but surprise, it came on sat. Mom was too tired to help with my diary yesterday.
I dont have much to report on the 'pie in the sky' its been too cloudy to see anything.
Last night it was so still and quiet and we were all snoozing....when all of a sudden there were loud bangs and bright flashes. Someone had set off fireworks very near our house. The noise was so loud it startled all of us. Cairo hide behind the sofa and those that were upstairs flew down to mom. We were all wide eyed and jumpy, it took ages before we calmed down and longer until Cairo came out from behind the sofa.
Its was scarier than the image of The Catfather coming towards us with his mouse pouch swinging!!!!
The 10 Catmandments
I am the Lord of thy house.
Thou shall have no other pets before me.
Thou shalt not ever ignore me.
I shall ignore thou when I feel like it.
Thou shalt be grateful that I even give thou the time of day.
Remember my food dish and keep it full.
Thou shalt spend most of thy money on toys and gifts for me.
Thou shalt always have thy lap ready for me to curl up in.
Thou shalt shower me with love and attention upon demand.
Above all, thou shalt do anything and everything it takes to keep me happy.
July 8th 2011 5:21 am
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Just a quick note to say that I will be unable to be on the catputer much at the moment.
Our internet modem has stopped working, so I am not a happy kitty.
Mom has had to nip over to aunty moms and write this.
In the mean time I will continue to look for the pie in the sky and hope that I get it first before Blizzard!
Stay safe everyone and I will try to pop in again soon.
July 6th 2011 3:31 pm
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Boy, has it rained today, really heavy showers and wind, horrible weather.
See The Catfather has been greasing some ones paws....now DOTD, wonder how many mice he paid for that one? Congratulations to him.
Today mom and dad were chatting, I wasn't paying that much notice as I was having a wash but heard mom say "its all pie in the sky", this made my ears prick up.....hmmmm.....PIE! I had to know more about this pie in the sky, it could be chicken pie, mouse pie or fish pie. I went to the window and looked out....all I could see was rain clouds, great, I was going to have to wait for a break in the weather. When the sun came out in between the showers, I shouted to go out. I found a good vantage point and started scanning the sky, nope, no pie that I could see, so I went back inside and looked out of all the windows, nope, still no pie. Who has eaten the pie??? Does the Catfather get to all the pies first? I really want to know about the pie in the sky.
Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat
Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
Always lands on her spleen.
Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.
Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
Catfood dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough.
Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.
It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
Has more chins than lives.
July 5th 2011 3:10 pm
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Yep, its humid and sticky here. My fur hates the humidity, its gone frizzy and sticking out all over the place.....whoops, no I just licked it into that position.
We had heavy rain early this morning and its been humid and horrible since, I have spent most of the day outside as there has been a little breeze to cool me down.
The squirrel didn't turn up today, he was probably up a tree in the cool, lying in a hammock sipping a Pimms and lemonade.
Tilly has been sick a couple times today, shes strange when she sick, very quiet and projectile vomits, mom just hears it land, me, I like to announce it first by yodelling!
Does The Catfather have to announce before hand....maybe something like "I don't feel I have to wipe everybody. Just my enemies".
The Sounds of Puking
Sung to the tune of "The Sounds of Silence"
Hello puker, my old friend
You're ralphing up on me again
And as your body writhes with waves of pain
I see the carpet has another stain
And as you stare at me across a pile of steaming hair
Without a care
Heaving with the sounds of puking.....
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand hairballs, maybe more
Small loads of cat food piled stories high
And as I gaze I heave a heavy sigh
Cause with my foot I sense a warm but familiar feel
From toe to heel
I'm standing in the mounds of puking....
Congratulations TINK for being COTD, yay, we love you!
July 4th 2011 2:56 pm
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We would like to wish all our overseas friends a Happy 4th July and also Congratulations to The Catfather (and his mouse pouches) for being COTD today.
We have had great weather this last week so lots of snoozing in the sun and we have a new past time for when mom is at work......spot the squirrel...we have a squirrel that has just started to visit the garden. Its fun to watch the antics it gets up to, to get to the bird food. Its bigger than the chipmunks mom has and its very fast.
HOW TO CATCH A MOUSE
Stop and stare at small noises for no apparent reason.
Approach well know articles of clothing with a fully fluffed tail.
When a mouse actually appears, completely ignore it.
Wait until other household member is sick of hearing mouse noises and sets trap.
Keep a close eye on trap.
When trap successfully does its job, proudly trot through house with mouse (and trap) in mouth. If early morning, deposit it in middle of bed.
Yell bloody murder when mouse is taken away and thrown outside. (Other neighborhood cats will take credit!!!)
July 1st 2011 1:59 pm
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Its been a quiet couple of days with warm, sultry weather which makes it feel thundery and heavy. Too warm to do much but dream.
I revisit the moon many times in my dreams, the mice have arrived and mining has started. I have to treat the mice correctly as they are in a union and I dont want them downing tools just when things get going. Blizzard wouldn't part with any mice in his pouches. I recently read somecat referring to him being like a whale, I dont think he has noticed, hes too busy being uncle to them adorable little kits.
Hey, just thought.....I could make 'cheese moon mice' or 'moon cheese mice'... decisions, decisions. (better not let Blizzard near them, he will have a moon pouch).
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know".
The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you are here?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!"
June 29th 2011 3:59 pm
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A comment by Blizzard yesterday stuck in my head and while snoozing in the sun today I started dreaming......dreaming of going to the moon!!!
I could be the first cat on the moon!!!
I was all suited and booted in my astro-cat gear and I set off in my pocket rocket 'Ace Feline 1'. The journey was awesome, what I could remember as I snoozed a lot on the way. I saw lots of rainbow stars of those who have passed, each one twinkled, winked and shone so bright. The landing was a bit tricky, but I got down with everything on one piece. The moment had come......I sprung out my rocket on to the moon....I had done it....the first cat on the moon, WOW! 'One step for a cat, four paws for felinekind'.
The moon was so unique, peaceful.... hang on a minute, what could I smell? I checked my hand held cat-puter, it said the air was OK for cats to breathe, so I slowly took of my helmet and took a deep sniff......chicken.....cheese? I took a tentative lick of the surface of the moon......Yum...it tasted off all my favourite foods, this is amazing.
It got me thinking.....I could catch a gang of mice (Blizzard probably has some spare in his mouse pouch) and get them mining for us cats, we could all have tasty moon treats, Hhhmmmmm.
I woke up from my dream hungry, but nothing mom had tasted like moon treats.
WHY CATS HAVE A BIT OF EVERYTHING
When God made the world, He chose to put animals in it, and decided to give each whatever it wanted.
All the animals formed a long line before His throne, and the cat quietly went to the end of the line. To the elephant and the bear He gave strength; to the rabbit and the deer, swiftness; to the owl, the ability to see at night; to the birds and the butterflies, great beauty; to the fox, cunning; to the monkey, intelligence; to the dog, loyalty; to the lion, courage; to the otter, playfulness. And so it went.
At last He came to the end of the line, and there sat the little cat, waiting patiently.
"What will YOU have?" God asked the cat.
The cat shrugged modestly.
"Oh, whatever scraps you have left over. I don't mind."
"But I'm God. I have everything left over."
"Then I'll have a little of everything, please."
And God gave a great shout of laughter at the cleverness of this small animal, and gave the cat everything she asked for, adding grace and elegance and, only for her, a gentle purr that would always attract humans and assure her a warm and comfortable home.
But he took away her false modesty.
June 28th 2011 2:51 pm
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My day has been full of sunshine, snoozes and snacks.....What more could a cat want?
I have spent most of the day snoozing in the sunshine and only coming in for snacks. There is nothing better than a Simba snack. Me, Boo and Ziggy stayed out until it was very dark, which was way cool! Ziggy went in the rabbits run and the rabbits kept chasing him and nibbling at his tail and me and Boo were nibbling on the fresh cat nip and I occasionally gave Boo a smack on the nose when he got too close. He does have a big nose and he likes to stick it in places where it dose not belong and he has a mouse pouch to rival Blizzards, Boos swings from side to side when he runs, I wonder what Blizzards mouse pouch does when he runs.....Ooops, silly me....Blizzard dont run!!!
A Cat's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep...
I sleep right in the center groove
My human can hardly move!
I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and "I want food!"
I sneak up slowly to begin
My nibbles on my human's chin.
She wakes up quickly, I have sharp teeth -
And my claws I will unsheath
For the morning's here and it's time to play
I always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I see.
The one who hugs me and holds me tight
And sacrifices her bed at night.
June 27th 2011 3:55 pm
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Well, our 3 day heat wave lasted 1 day! We woke up this morning to find it damp and foggy and much cooler. Needless to say, I wasnt very happy when I found out what the weather was like and that put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.
Mom was called into work early as it was time to say goodbye to one of the resident cats. It was sort of expected but not this soon. Psycho had liver failure. he was a red point something, no one was sure what but he never lived up to his name, he was very sweet but not into having cuddles. Mom said he never looked tidy, but that was all part of him. He will be missed.
Mom didnt get home till late and we were all snoozing but since shes been home Tommy has shredded a roll of toilet paper.
So, its been a boring day. Mom is home tomorrow so it will be better.
The Cats' Bill of Rights
if owners dont agree, the Catfather will be making them an offer (but apparently he can be bribed with a tasty morsel!!!)
Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime he wants.
A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the fulfillment of a feline's whims, shall not be infringed. In other words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime he wants.
The right of the feline to be secure in their domain and effects against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime he wants.
Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty and the pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat is entitled to sleep ANYWHERE he wants.
The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations, indictments and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges provided said feline's compulsory right to obtain any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained in his favor. In other words: Cats can do anything they want as long as it's cute.
Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. In other words: What I say, goes.
No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any other time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. In other words: No dogs in the house without my permission.
The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at anytime or any place. In other words: Don't disturb me when I am sleeping.
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