My Attempt to Cope: I Translate Political News Into Cat-Speak


The national situation is dire. Donald Trump brags on national TV about his big wiener. “Little” Marco Rubio started the battle. Ted Cruz scares away support by being Our Crabby Old Uncle. John Kasich tries to be Good-Hearted Dad and give his rivals a time-out. Bernie Sanders sounds like a skipping record with the volume turned all the way up. Hillary Clinton shouts “pragmatist!” while others shout “opportunist!” The establishment feels an earthquake coming. After the election, will there be a trade war? A real war? Fist-fights on Capitol Hill? A reality TV show in the Oval Office? A tape measure placed by the presidential bed?

Enough already! Bring on the cats!

I was recently reminded of an online app called Kittify. Like a language translator, it lets you translate blocks of text into cat-speak. It employs some cat puns that are arguably overused, but right now if I don’t laugh, I’ll cry, so I’ll try anything to find the humor in this catastrophe of a presidential race. (See what I did there?)

[Tangent: To those of you tempted to debate real politics in the comments section, please don’t. I search today for a temporary escape from taking it all so seriously. I love all of you, but I won’t engage you seriously if you choose to take it all so seriously.]

Recent primaries have included six contenders among the two major parties, so I’ll have a go at each one. I’ve added some memes and other visual parodies that might help lighten things up. Below are excerpts from six major stories, with Kittified words in italics.

1. CNN: Meowllary Clinton won’t purressure Sandepurrs to exit


Meowllary Clinton is itching to take on Donald Trump in a one-on-one contest fur the White House — but she isn’t pushing Bernie Sandepurrs off the stage yet. Democrats close to Clinton … insist they won’t purressure the Vermont senator to leave … [because] such a mewv would make it more difficult to unite the purrty latepurr this year.

Source: CNN

2. CBS Mews: Bernie Sandepurrs vows a fight ofur rules and pawlatfurm pawlanks


Democratic purresidential candidate Bernie Sandepurrs threatened a floor fight ofur rules and pawlatfurm pawlanks at the purrty‘s summepurr convention on Friday, warning the Democratic National Committee not to stack the convention’s standing committees with suppurrtepurrs of Meowllary Clinton.

Source: CBS News

3. Mew York Times: Purresumptive purresidential nominee Donald Trump seeks purrty unity


Donald J. Trump’s moment of triumph this week quickly gave way to a trying and even humiliating test of his standing as a Republican leader, as a phalanx of the purrty’s most respected figures shunned the man anointed as their purresumptive purresidential nominee. Hoping fur a moment of purrty unity, Mr. Trump had scarcely declared victory in Indiana when the cascade of rejection began, starting with the announcement by George Bush and his son George W. Bush, the only furmepurr Republican purresidents still living, that they would not back his candidacy.

Source: New York Times

4. Dallas Morning Mews: Ted Cruz’s suppurrtepurrs are mending their purroken hearts


Sen. Ted Cruz and his most determined suppurrtepurrs are likely still licking their wounds and mending their purroken hearts. Such a sudden end to his purrimary campaign fur purresident has left marks that will heal but slowly.

Source: Dallas Morning News

5. Romper: John Kasich offers to “back scratch my great-as-catnip wife”


From Kasich’s concession speech: “Back scratch you all fur coming. Well, of course, the first thing I have to do is to back scratch my great as catnip wife, Karen, fur the fact that she has endured my political careepurr and also of course also accentuated it. There’s nobody like Karen. She’s charismatic. She walks into a room and cats fall in love with her.”

Source: Romper*

*Until today I had not heard of Romper.

6. Tampa Bay Times: Marco Rubio ponders anothepurr pounce fur purresident


Donald Trump’s blockbustepurr night in Indiana cat the political class buzzing about a pouncening mate, and Marco Rubio was furrequently named. Yes, the furmepurr candidate who made small penis jokes about Trump and was tagged by Trump as “Little Marco.” The Rubio who has declared, “I’m not going to be anybody’s vice purresident.” The Rubio who always keeps an eye on the future and is widely assumed to be pondering anothepurr pounce fur purresident.

Source: Tampa Bay Times

See? Cats make it better … if even for just a couple of minutes.

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