Look, we wouldn’t be here if we didn’t love cats. If you’re reading this, you most likely have a cat, have had a cat, are thinking of getting a cat, or you are a cat. I’m sure that you love your pet, and that’s great! But today I lay down a little something controversial: My cat is the best cat.
You’d understand if you met her. She’s sweet, she’s beautiful, and she sleeps little-spoon style under the covers with me. Sorry, friends. Nowhere on this green Earth is there a feline as fair as she.
I recently whipped out this opinion to a group of pals — most of whom are cat owners — and was surprised when each friend enthusiastically explained why their cat was “the best.” Did they not understand that there can only be one “best” cat? Didn’t they hear the part about how my girl is Little Spoon?
I’m naturally competitive, especially if the topic is pointless. The more pointless an argument, the more I have to win. If you were to organize a hold-your-breath contest, for example, I would be the first one in line, cutting my lungs out of my body. So when my friends said that they had the best cats, I wanted all the particulars. I needed detailed arguments and sketches of said cats. And to ensure that they wouldn’t be able to properly articulate what made their animal so special, I asked them to explain themselves at the end out the night when everyone was drunk.
I’m not particularly proud of myself, but I’m an adult and nobody can stop me from cheating.
I asked my friends what they love best about their cats, and to draw portraits of the cats. Parts of our verbal exchanges and the portraits follow.
Mason: (Laughs hysterically.)
Me: Are you drawing something obscene?
Mason: I’m drawing Jimmy. He’s so scared!
Me: That’s your favorite thing?
Mason: He always tries to be cool, but he’s so scared.
Me: But why do you love him?
Mason: Look at Jimmy’s face!
Cory: Henry purrs louder than any cat ever has. Like, loud. Louder than any cat ever. Poof is a big poofy hairball. That’s all she does.
Me: All she does is hairball?
Cory: Yeah, Henry purrs really loud.
Jessica: My favorite thing about Fatty is his clurby tongue.
Me: His what?
Jessica: I mean “curly” tongue. He has a big curly tongue. Like a water slide.
Here’s my assignment for you, reader: Have a couple drinks and send me drunken drawings of your cats. There’s no sweeter way to solidify a friendship than by watching someone get misty-eyed over a kitty’s “water slide tongue.” I still think that my little girl is the best, but hearing the strange things that people love about their pets does warm my little, cheating heart.
Read more by Laura Jaye Cramer
About the author: Laura Jaye Cramer is a freelance writer and ballet dancer based out of San Francisco. When she isn’t busy tending to her sweet little cat baby, she can be found drooling over artifacts in a museum, building a shrine to Dolly Parton, or eating a trough of guacamole. Stalk her on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.