Lifestyle

5 Ways to Get Your Human Out of Bed

By Barbarella Buchner

, February 26, 2014

Cats have wonderful ways of showing how they appreciate us as their loyal servants. Every cat person knows that cats have mastered the power of hypnosis and manipulate us into doing things that we don’t really want to do. They also play us by pushing their cute, soft noses into our face, clawing our leg when they want something or batting our precious porcelain figurines off a shelf to get our attention.

Some cats have mastered the art of getting their servants out of bed using a myriad of different techniques. I have the pleasure of being owned by one of these talented kitties.

Meet Lugosi.

As you can see from his expression and stance, he is a cat who doesn’t take any crap from anyone. He owns his human and rules his kingdom with an iron paw, or four. Seriously, though, he’s a big cuddle monster and the sweetest, gentlest giant — until he wants his breakfast! He knows exactly how to push the right buttons to get me out of bed, whatever time of the morning — sometimes at 4 a.m.

Here, Lugosi details five simple techniques how best to wake up a human. Take it away, Lugosi:

Technique No. 1: Walking around and sitting on your human

This involves walking around and all over the human, including the head, culminating in plonking all your weight either on her head, chest or back, and making yourself comfortable there. This technique may be accompanied by noisy purring or vocalizing (see No. 3, below) or “kitten style” kneading. A popular variation is placing your butt end on or near the human’s face, which in 99.9 percent of cases will get a reaction!

Technique No. 2: Licking your human’s face

Most humans do not like mouth to mouth contact with animals, so squishing your kisser on or near your human’s mouth and licking it is a perfect way of getting her attention. Variations of this technique are licking the human’s hair or nibbling an ear or a finger (gently).

Technique No. 3: Vocalizing (purrs and meows)

This technique can be combined with any of the others above and below. Various types of meow may be used to achieve your goal — you can either elicit those cute, quiet, “purr-eow” sounds, or the really pathetic, starving cat meow to pull on your human’s heart strings. If she doesn’t react, you could try shouting at her at the top of your voice (more annoying, and a higher success rate with some humans).

Here are my video instructions on how to produce the most pathetic meow, followed by a more noisy way of getting your human up.

The three techniques described above are the cuter, more gentle ways of waking up your human. Now on to the annoying, painful and destructive methods …

Technique No. 4: Knocking things off tables or shelves

Humans generally leave a lot of things lying around on tables, which are there to be knocked to the floor, should the need arise. This also includes shelves with figurines, trophies and keepsakes that are precious to your human. My clever variation of this technique involves batting a picture frame on the wall, making a lot of noise, to get a reaction.

Warning: if you break something, you might incur the serious wrath and anger of your human!

Another variation is sticking your claws into the bed covers and making scratching movements.

Technique No. 5: Using claws and teeth on your human

Sticking sharp claws into your human, biting or smacking her around is the most drastic of these five techniques and should be used only as a last resort, when nothing else you tried so far has worked.

Start off with just one claw, a tender bite on the cheek or an arm, or a light smack across the face with a paw (no claws). If there is no reaction from the human, you could try any of the above with a bit more force. If after five minutes or so there is still no reaction, try using a combination of all the above techniques plus this one, using more and more force (and more claws and teeth) as you go along, until the human finally gets her butt out of bed and serves you your breakfast.

This technique tends to result in much annoyance and pain on the human’s part, but if you are really out to make your human angry as hell, this can be achieved by destroying a precious porcelain figurine (see No. 4, above).

I hope you will find the above instructions useful. Ninety-nine percent of us kitties are naturals at all and any of these techniques and don’t need teaching or learning, whereas the other one percent need to be taught and given inspiration on how to manipulate their human.

Good luck, fellow kitties!

Does your cat get you out of bed? How does she do this? Are there other interesting techniques not mentioned here that your kitty uses? Let us know in the comments!

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About the Author: Barbarella Buchner — Ailurophile. Geeky Goth Girl. Photographer. Web Designer. Ex-Musician Singer/Songwriter. Fibromyalgia + RA Sufferer. And totally mad! She originally hails from Hannover (Germany), then moved to London, and since 2004 has lived on the tropical island of Lanzarote, together with her tabby twins Lugosi & Spider, and ginger queen Ruby Akasha. Apart from being an avid hobby — and sometimes even paid! — photographer, she works as a freelance web and graphic designer and occasional Catster contributor. She designed and maintains her local cat charity, 9 Lives Lanzarote‘s website.