And Now, the Results of My Cats’ Parent-Teacher Conferences

Having two teenage kids means I’ve sat though plenty of parent-teacher conferences over the years. Thankfully, they’ve nearly always been pretty positive. My son usually receives comments about his leadership skills and excessive chattiness, and my daughter gets notes about her artistic gifts and need for additional organization. I was a talkative student and consistently received teachers’ comments about my need to shut my mouth, stop giggling and pay attention. Oh, and I was a note-passer, too.

Each of my cats have distinct personalities, and I can totally picture the results of parent-teacher conferences … that is, if they went to school. Here are my thoughts on their teachers’ comments:

1. Saffy

Excellent math student!

Saffy has a gift for fitting herself into small containers, and it takes some skill in physics and perhaps geometry to make this happen. She frequently volunteers to demonstrate her gifts in the front of the class. I suggest next year she advance to college-level math classes, where I’m sure she’ll excel.

Saffy needs to stop stealing food

Saffy must be monitored during the lunch hour because she frequently eats her own food and then takes other students’ food when they aren’t looking. She even volunteered to help the lunch ladies during her study-hall hour so she could have closer contact to lunch fare. Last week she was caught devouring a piece of Salisbury steak underneath the warming table. We recommend you discuss this issue with her. Also, she is relieved of her lunch-assistant duties until further notice.

2. Cosmo

Cosmo is a very helpful student

Cosmo is frequently the first student to finish his classroom work, and then asks for extra-credit worksheets. In addition, he sometimes helps me make copies during my prep hour. I recommend he participate in the school’s tutoring program. He is a model student.

Cosmo sometimes wants to complete his school work from under a blanket

Cosmo enjoys spending his free time underneath blankets. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but now he occasionally asks if he can complete his school work while burrowed. Because he is a model student, I’m inclined to allow it; however, it would not be fair to the other students who also enjoy blanket-burrowing. If he’d like to come in after school, I will allow him to complete extra-credit worksheets under a blanket.

3. Phoebe

Phoebe speaks out of turn

Phoebe is a great participator, but she often speaks without raising her paw. This is distracting to the other students and creates chaos in the classroom. If this continues happening, we will consider after-school detention. Please discuss this matter with her.

Phoebe likes to sit inside other students’ backpacks

Phoebe enjoys napping inside her backpack during breaks; however, she sometimes chooses other students’ backpacks and then will not move when the students need to move to their next class. I have discussed this matter with her at length and she has promised she will try to stay inside her own backpack, but cannot promise anything. We will monitor her progress and report back to you.

What would your cats’ teachers’ notes be during parent-teacher conferences? Give us some examples in the comments!

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About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.