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5 Things My Cats Do That Would Get a Human Arrested

Legally speaking, my cats are not criminals, but sometimes they can be kind of creepy.

Heather Marcoux  |  Aug 3rd 2015


I love my cats, but I’m the first to admit that they’re not always little angels. In fact, Ghost Cat and her tortie sidekick Specter can be downright deviant sometimes. Their criminal tendencies  run the gamut from cute to creepy. Recently, they’ve figured out how to open the bedroom door. The first time it happened I was sleeping alone when I woke to the sound of the door leaving its frame. Knowing my husband wasn’t home, I panicked, and was convinced a human intruder was entering my room in the dark. I reached for my phone, and as I gathered up the courage to peek out from my covers my little cat burglars jumped up onto the bed, simultaneously frightening and comforting me.

I swear, if they were human, I would have called the cops on the little creeps. Let’s take a look at five other things my cats do that would get a human arrested.

1. Spying on me in the shower

speck the spy

Don’t put a window in your shower if you don’t want kitty eyes watching you.

Imagine shuffling into the bathroom at 5 a.m. and climbing into the shower. You relax under the hot water and close your eyes for a moment. When you open your eyes, you see another pair staring back at you — just inches from your face. It’s a startling scenario, right? How did someone else get into the shower? The first time Specter did this to me I almost jumped out of the bathtub, but slowly, I’ve become accustomed to seeing her pretty green eyes every time I reach for the shampoo.

The thing is, Specter’s not even in the same room as me, technically. Because our house was built in the 1950s, we have a window in our shower — and because the previous owners attached an addition to the back of the house, that window looks right out into the sunroom. Specter likes to perch on the sunroom side of the window sill as soon as she hears the shower start. Sometimes Ghost Cat will join her up there, and together this pair of kitty pervs will peep on whatever human is disrobing. They’re basically a couple of Peeping Tom(cat)s, and they would certainly be in big trouble if they were humans.

2.  Playing with fire

My little fire bug.

My little fire bug.

Specter is the reason why I can’t have scented candles. This cat is drawn to flames like a moth to … well, you know. My youngest kitty is super obsessed with fire — enough that I think she would be a budding arsonist if given the chance. If there is a candle in sight, Speck is right there, staring into the flame and slowly lifting her paw to swat at it. She scared the heck out of me a couple times when she’s come a little too close (which is why we no longer light candles).

I was terrified that she would burn her little paw, but I was also afraid that she would knock the whole thing over and set the house on fire. When Specter is near a candle, she gets this insanely intense look in her eyes. It’s kind of cute to see a kitty concentrating that intently, but it would be a pretty scary look in a pair of human peepers. If she were a human, she’d be that person who shows up at a blaze before the fire trucks and lingers just a little too long.

3. Leaving behind evidence of theft

I have two suspects in this Grand Theft Dog Food case.

I have two suspects in this Grand Theft Dog Food case. One of them got sick in the basement afterward.

I’ve known for a long time that my girl Ghost Cat is a thief. Her ability to break into my kitchen cupboards is well documented, and she’s been caught in the act many times. She’s also been teaching Specter the thieving trade, and together the two of them have been seeking bigger targets. No longer content to go after their own treats, I have evidence that one of both or my cats is guilty of Grand Theft Dog Food. The bag might say “canine” but these felines don’t care, and they’re not concerned about leaving evidence behind. My forensic skills aren’t up to the task of determining which kitty’s claws cut open the bag, so I feel confident charging them both in the great dog food caper of 2015.

4. Stealing vehicles

Ghost Cat in stroller

She’d drive off in it if she could.

A feline criminal mastermind, my first fur baby, Ghost Cat, would have rap sheet a mile long if she were my genetic child. Ghost Cat might not be my child by birth, but she sure thinks she is sometimes, and I dare say she’s a little jealous of the yet-to-arrive human child who will be joining our family in a few months. She’s been especially interested in the future child’s stroller, and she steals the baby’s wheels whenever she gets the chance. If Ghosty could drive that thing herself I’m sure she’d be zooming all over the place, but so far she hasn’t managed to persuade Specter or the dogs to push her stolen vehicle, so the stroller remains in park.

5. Leading a cult

Giving GhostBuster her blessing.

Giving GhostBuster her blessing while sitting on her altar.

Ghost Cat has always been convinced that she is worthy of worship, and lately she has tried her darnedest to make the rest of the animals in my household believe she is some kind of higher power.  Specter isn’t foolish enough to fall prey to the cult of Ghost Cat, but the dogs sure do seem to buy the deity act. The other night I caught her with her paw on the dog’s head, mid-blessing. I’m left to wonder how long it will be before the pups are committing criminal acts on Ghost Cat’s behalf. She certainly is a thorough little con artist.

When I add up the deeds on my cats’ would-be rap sheets, I’m pretty glad that kitties aren’t humans. These criminal kitties would be downright dangerous if they switched species, and they would probably be in handcuffs and out of my household. It’s a darn good thing these furry little deviants are cute and cuddly enough to escape the long arm of the law.

What human crimes have your cats committed? Let me know in the comments.

About the author: Heather Marcoux is a freelance writer in Alberta, Canada. Her beloved Ghost Cat was once her only animal, but Specter the kittenGhostBuster the Lab and her newest dog, Marshmallow, make her fur family complete. Heather is also a wife, a bad cook and a former TV journalist. Some of her friends have hidden her feed because of an excess of cat pictures. If you don’t mind cat pictures, you can follow her on Twitter; she also posts pet GIFs on Google +