Faster than a speeding mouse, more scary than a musk ox, it's SPARKMAN!

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Warning about PLASTIC BAGS!

December 1st 2006 8:53 am
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Oh, my! Mommy and I were startled to hear this, but very grateful to our pal Chumley [#336620] for the information! THANKS, CHUMLEY!

Mom says if any Catster buds ever read about me getting into things that might hurt me, please let us know! I'm posting what Chumley said below...

and a paw wave out to Chrissy too this morning! [#293447] She really decorated my page!! I have such fantabulous friends here on Catster!!!

purrs --SPARKMAN!

************************************

"I am concerned about you, playing with plastic bags. My Momma doesn't ever allow us to have plastic bags, because she is afraid we will hurt ourselves. It would be so easy for us to chew off a little bit of the bag, and suffocate if it caught in our throats. Please, please, please be careful, Sparkman! Or maybe your Mama could try to keep the plastic bags away from you kitties. If she does let you play with them, don't let her even look away for long enough for you to get a little piece in your mouth."

 

A Regular Kitten Tree Fort! --or-- "I am kitten, feel my claws!"

December 4th 2006 9:11 am
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Okay, so there was total complete weirdness among the humans this weekend! They actually have finally completely lost their minds. I am in utter shock and amazement at this one! I mean, they dragged in a TREE! Needles flying everywhere, branches sticking out and whacking stuff... I could never in my wildest kitten super hyper speeds create this much chaos in the house! It was INSANE, I tell you! The Captain, Moose and I stood around telling them so, and pawing at the thing... sniffing wild eyed and in utter disbelief...

Then I took action! "Mom," I chirped, "Trees are not decorations, they are jungle gyms. Let me show you how we use them for training here at superhero kitty camp!" And like a little squirrel I shot up the trunk! Mom was grabbing at me but I just wrapped my paws around a branch and started biting and clawing and showing her how we utterly destroy, repel, and decimate invaders of the tree! I am kitten, feel my CLAWS!!!

So eventually she retreated her hand out of the tree and just let me hang out. It was fun! A regular kitten fort! I came out and went back in quite a few times. Mom and Dad said something about "tying it to the banister" and "waiting to decorate it." Whatever all that means.

And you know, afterward I did not hear even one of my usual accusations of "smelling like a kitten." Rather, I think they liked my wild woods kitten scent! I got to go to bed without even the usual threat of a kitten bath! But my paws were so sticky! I was just walking around sticking my paws on everything-- floor, carper, newspaper... I must improve my kitten fort. and drink its tasty water bucket! mmmmmmm... purrs!

 

"Ho ho ho" must be human for "I've come to eat you, little- kitty!"

December 7th 2006 1:58 pm
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Moose told me humans act weird this time of year, what with bringing trees in the house and such... But this was the most terrifying yet! We were all enjoying our quiet evening at home when this scary man all dressed in red and white came out of no where! He was going around petting cats like he knew them and Mom was taking pictures! I was all arched back and cowering, just waiting to hiss at this burglar creep. I mean who the heck was THIS freak?!

Moose sniffed at him and purred, Captain Morgan just looked bored with the whole event... But I was just terrified! And what’s more, Dad left when this dude showed up! I just squirmed and whined and refused to be near this maniac of a weirdo! I mean REALLY! What were these humans expecting? Inviting oddly dressed strangers over to hug us and pose for pictures!?!

He kept saying things like "ho ho ho" and "What do you want for Christmas?" Those have GOT to be human for "I have come to eat you, little kitty!" or "My suit's dyed with kitten blood!" And MOM just kept taking pictures and even had the nerve to put one on my web page!! I am just utterly disgusted and glad that guy left! He threatened to see me again at Christmas, but if he even tries getting in here, I got a few claws he'll be greeting... How do you like that Mr. Sandy Claws! hmpf!

 

How NOT to Carve Toilet Paper.

December 27th 2006 8:04 am
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So I got this GREAT idea for a Christmas present. I was going to carve the most incredible portrait of my entire family for the mantle! It was going to be swell-- Mom and Dad smiling; Moose bathing himself in rude places; Capt. Morgan looking like his regal pirate king self; and ME biting all their tails!!!

So I looked around for carving material, and what did I find?! TOILET PAPER! I grabbed the spare roll and ran off with it! Now, I'm getting bigger. But That roll's still kinds big. So I was tilting my head all the way back to carrying the thing and I didn't notice it but I ran by Mom and Granddad with it... Didn't see them until I was RIGHT under them. They laughed and took it away. But *I* am SPARKMAN, the kitten sized superhero!!! I liberate all captive objects and leap all furniture in single bounds!!! So as soon as Grand-people and Auntie and Uncle and my WEIRD cousins left... I snuck back in the hiding captive place and FREED THE TOILET PAPER from no doubt an evil villain or monster thing!

I laid in the living room merrily carving my sculpture: best technique is to bite it and hold it with your front paws while kicking it with your feet out, by the way. So there I was all merrily carving off flakes of snowy paper like a master craftsmen when the weirdest thing of the season happened... I mean, my cousin who visited is a something called a turtle. She was just plain odd. But THIS was crazy weird. I felt this sharp pain in my mouth and then saw blood... MY TOOTH CAME OUT OF MY HEAD! Those aren't supposed to do anything but inflict semi-permanent damage to small toys, twigs, and Dad's hands, right?!!! They're not supposed to be removable!!! I was just totally shocked. I just dropped the project right there and walked away. All shook up and scared!

Mom later was coo-ing over it like it was anything near as cute as me... What gives, Mom?! She even put it in a special cup in the cupboard and told me to leave more of them out where she can find them... MORE?!... I can't lose MORE teeth! I NEED those! They're like such a big part of my superpowers!!! This is just so confusing. My teeth are supposed to stay IN my mouth, aren't they?!

 

Tooth Update...

December 30th 2006 9:17 am
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I am so thankful to report that I have lost NO MORE teeth! Although, I think the biggest blessing of this non-event is that I can continue to chew on everything in sight without any scorn from Mom and Dad. There's just this "Awwwww, baby's TEETHING!" and then they let me chew on stuff!!!! I mean, I have chewed every yarn ball, moms scarf AND mittens, socks galore, all the catnip and non-nip mice, a few empty toilet paper rolls I stole from the garbage, kitchen towels, measuring cup, those antlers Moose got for Christmas, Capt. Morgan's harness, several of the tree ornaments, the banister (also tried to walk on the railing which didn't work so well), a couple books, the newspaper, some twigs and branch segments Mom was surprised to see since they're NOT just pine from the Christmas tree, the Christmas tree, pine needles (yummy!), the handles of a few scissors, pens, pencils, camera shoulder strap, marshmallows, cookies left out, the thyme plant, a contraband rubber band, kitty litter bag, old wrapping paper, jingle balls, jingle bells, popcorn, computer cords, computer, couch pillow, human feet, human ears, Captain's tail, Moose's tail, Mom's braid, Mom's sweaters, Dad's shirt buttons, the bathroom door, sewing machine cover, fold in carpet, garbage dived items like wax from cheese, a spoon, cardboard box, dvd case, pirate puppets, baskets, toilet plunger (why did Mom bathe me after that one?!), crochet hook, knitting needles (love love LOVE wood!), hand lotion bottle, icky tasting stuff that came out of hand lotion bottle, drain strainer from bath tub, shower curtain, curtains, curtain cords, all other window treatments including that puddy caulk stuff that tastes bad too, a shirt hanger, Mom's pillow (even launched it across the room! Wow), Dad's pajamas' draw string, Mom's glasses, Mom's coffee mug, my food dish, my water dish, my litter pan, and of course my own tail! Phew... I am such an amazing super kitten! All that chewing, and I still have all four fangs!!! I am made of kitten grade steel!!!! I am just plain fantabulous and invincible! To all bad guys out there-- BEWARE! I am UNSTOPPABLE!

 

New Photo!

January 2nd 2007 7:21 am
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I just put up a new photo of me and my turtle cousin!!! (shes the greenish blackish blob in the tank) I gotta tell you, she was just so amazing that I have not yet been able to pass that empty fish tank without looking for her. Mom says she's going to clean out the tank and find me fishie friends!!! LIVE FISH!!!! I don't even know what those LOOK like! I thought fish came out of a can! I hope we get tunas! or salmons!!!! Are "Turkey and Gibblets in Gravy" a kind of fish too? Let's get those too!

But that cousin was just captivating. She came with my relatives for Christmas. They only stayed a few nights, and I got locked out of the room cousin turtle was in at night... but I am telling you, there is just nothing as fascinating as a turtle cousin! I sure hope my Auntie and Uncle bring her EVERY TIME they visit!!! Wow. What a cousin!

Only thing I don't get is why they didn't let her out to wrestle with me! She would have been impressed with my skills... MAD skills! Ninja skills, num-chuck skills, tuna breath skills, tail biting skills... *sigh* So hard being a kitten! I miss cousin turtle.

 

Resolutions of a SUPER KITTEN!!!!

January 3rd 2007 8:16 am
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Ahem....

I will not let the humans take away my tree fort just because Moose and I drank all its water and its shedding worse than the Captain.

I will eat every new fishie Mom buys for that tank.

I will try harder to convince Dad that I do need a sip of milk every time humans go near the fridge.

I will eat all of the thyme plant before Mom cooks with it again... poor thyme plant!

I will drink all the water out of the bath tub.

I will use my purr and not my teeth to wake up Mom.

I will finally vanquish that mouse that scurries about under the covers when Mom and Dad are in bed.

I will not lose my toys under the fridge and then howl until my humans free them. I am braver than that. (Oh, wait maybe thats what Moose does)

I will not let the humans know that I actually enjoy wearing clothes.

I will not sit on the radiator until I am brain dead and roll off of it.

I will not let the humans bathe me again. And I will make my kitten breath even worse!

And most importantly, I will be more sneaky and unpredictable in my tail biting hunts.

 

I turned the bath tub black!

January 5th 2007 7:32 am
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So yesterday I was walking along, minding my own kitten beeswax, when I see Captain Morgan, my ultimate hero!!! He's standing over by the fireplace screen, thats an odd place for him... I walk over and he paws open the screen just big enough for a kitten to squeeze through! Well, I always obey my Captain. So in I go! And theres all this stuff to sniff in there! And its all black and then I see that my paws are all black and I started getting a little scared... So I started chirping my little "come find me!" call, and I was expecting the Captain or Moose to come. But theres Mom, looking down at me with that disapproving look! WHAT?! It was TOTALLY Captain Morgan's idea!

So she scoops me up and starts examining my toes and feet. I mean, they were almost a charcoal black grey color... But she should have seen the inside of that fireplace!

So she drags me to the bathroom and plops me down in the sink. Now, I am just bubbling over with excitement... You seen I figured out a few days ago that if i sit in the sink and look cute, the humans turn the knob things and fresh water comes out the metal stick thing!!! I can pounce on it, bite at it, and finally even drink it!!! Its so fun, you totally gotta try it.

So there I am sitting in the sink and watching the fresh water run out of the stick thing and Mom's rubbing my toes with a cloth or something... and then I realize it...SHE'S BATHING ME AGAIN! I mean, what does she think, that I'm THREE MONTHS old?! NO! I'm a brave and bouncing four months old now, thank you VERY much! So I got all mad and started chirping and kicking her. She just picks me up in one hand, dangles me over the sink and continues... It was horrible. I couldn't even fight her. I just hung there whimpering! And Captain Morgan sat beside her watching the whole thing with a smug look on his face. He's so mean! He's like a pirate or something.

So when she's done I insist on climbing in the sink and sitting like a loaf of bread and pouting. Mom goes to squeeze out the wet cloth she was using in the bath tub, and then this long stream of blackish water comes pouring out onto the nice pretty bath tub bottom! Well, that was so exciting I forgot about pouting and me and Morgan jumped in the tub after it while Mom's turning the tubs knobby things, and the fresh water comes out the tub log thing and pours into the bottom of the tub, and the Captain and I BOLT out of that tub and out the bathroom door, and Mom nearly falls over... Later she's chasing me with a dry towel, and I'm all "you're not touching me again lady!!!" I mean REALLY!?! Who needs a bath when they're four months old! Hmph! Humans!

 

Sparkman reports on "Nature," his favorite PBS show...

January 7th 2007 5:43 pm
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Oh my! Mom and I are watching Nature tonight... and I have to say that those serval cats are dirty dirty potty mouthed people!!! They were chewing on this big dead animal and saying such horrible things to each other that I just woke up, sat bolt upright, laid my ears back, and hid behind Mom! I mean, I think I should go wash out my ears just for hearing that! Why does Mom let me WATCH this show?! I know that "Christmas in Yellowstone" episode was fun... Captain Morgan and I stalked the screen and attack pawed everything from a chickadee to a grizzly bear to steam from a hot spring... But THIS episode is just scary. There should be a parental warning on before this episode "warning-- this show has been rated ‘C’ for the presence of foul cat language."

 

I'm Freakin' Cool!!!!

January 16th 2007 8:11 am
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Whoa, so I jumped on Mom to show her the weirdness that peaked out over night... and by show her I mean I totally viciously chewed and scratched up her elbow... I HAVE SIX FANGS!!!!!! Theres two small guys peaking out by my two lower fangs!!!! I'm a freak today!!!!! Its frickin' awesome! I'm going to bite EVERYTHING in sight!!! Gunna have to get Dad to help Mom take a picture of my freaky coolness when he gets home... I mean, I am just 30% more terrifying and powerful today! Watch out Moose, here comes the six fanged kitten of DOOM!!!!!!!

RAWRRR!!!!

 
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