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Furman's Manly Journal

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February 12th 2008 11:50 am
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My girl Rizzy tagged me!

Here are my seven manly facts about myself.

1. My nickname is Pantaloon Boy, cuz I have big fluffy man-pants on my back legs.
2. My favfurite girlcat is an Orangey Aussiegirl (wink wink).
3. I like to do manly needlepoints in my spare time of flowers and bugs and stuff.
4. In the winter I flinch a lot because efurrytime one of the hoomins touches me I get shocked with static cuz of my long fur.
5. I have a whistley nose when I am sleeping, and I snore.
6. I have curly whiskers.
7. I look very big, but I am all fur and light as a feather.

I am going to tag:

All very interesting kitties.


R.I.P. The Christmas Tree

December 9th 2007 6:39 pm
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Dear Santa Paws,
Hey Dude, How was your year? Mine was furtastical. I am not going to bother sending you a Christmas List this year. I know you know what I did. What *we* did, me and my Catster fishing buddies, in Vegas. Purrlease don't blame the guys, it was all my idea. The trip, the rental car, the gambling. The Elvis Impurrrsonator, the trench coat, and the Neil Diamond concert. I was responsible for it all. Especially don't blame Leo. He is young, and I should have taught him better. And Baja is one of the best dudes I have ever met. He was just trying to have a little fun. We payed back our Mama's for the Mastercat Cards and the rental car had only a little bit of damage.

Because of these things I am not expecting you to leave anything for me under the tree. Actually, Big Jolly Dude, it wouldn't matter if you did have a purresent for me. There is no tree to put it under. We had a Christmas tree for one day only. It is gone now, and not for cat-related reasons. The hoomins put it up yesterday. I was napping all day, and when I woke up the downstairs was a magical wonderland of sparking christmas delight (I mean that in a manly way, of course). It smelled like pine cones and snow and cinnamon candles. I walked around and looked at efurrything all night. We took pictures and ate ice cream and stared at our twinkling Christmas beacon and thought about all the goodies you, Santa, would leave under those artificial branches. Then we noticed it was leaning, only a little. Oh well, we thought, nocat is purrrfect. We still loved the tree.

This morning we ran down the stairs and turned on the lights and further enjoyed our little slice of pine heaven. We got used to the leaning. It was endearing. Our crooked little tree. We stared at him and he sparkled back at us. My sisfurs and I nibbled on the wire branches, and batted at ornaments. Mommy adjusted the snowflake star and fiddled with homemade ornaments of Christmases past. We ate supper in the living room ands soaked in the Christmassy goodness. Then it fell over. Right on it's side. Right in mid-forkful of Root Vegatable Medley, my Mommy jumped up and rushed to his twinkly side. "The tree is deeeeeeeaaaaaaad!", she yowled. We collected the ornaments and lifted him up. His leg was broken, cracked down the middle. Down came the lights, away went our holly jolly tree dude. He is now on his way to the dumpster. Santa, we had that little dude since 2001, he got here right after I did.

As you can see, Santa Paws, even if you *were* going to leave me a purrresent after my wild Vegas vacation and my drunken-with-nip fishing trips, you would have nowhere to leave it. That is why I am writing you this letter. To let you off the hook this year. For the record, my sisfurs were no angels this year either, but that is their letter to write. So Merry Christmas Santa Paws, maybe I'll see you next year.

Happy Pawlidays, Furman Dexter Baggins


Furman's Craptastic Morning

August 6th 2007 8:49 am
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I went joy ridin' in the car this morning Dudes and Dudettes. My Mommy faked me out. I was told in advance that I was going to the Manly Beauty Parlor, cuz Mommy did not want a repeat of my last Butt Shaving Appointment Day of Terror. So this morning I got treats and then I got put into my pimped out Hello Kitty Manly Man Transporter. Mommy seat belted me in and we went drving to the Petsmart groomer. When we got there there was a little black dog standing there covered in FLEAS. Dude, you could almost SEE them jumping off him. Mommy got nervous and asked for me to be kept as far away from that pooch as possible. Then the lady told Mom to come back and get me in four hours. Holy cow. Mommy was shocked cuz the last Beauty Parlor Appointment took two seconds. Mommy walked away and left me on the counter in my Man Transporter. She kept looking back at me and I must have meowed Goodbye at the exact right time, because thirty seconds after she went out the door she exploded back in to the store and ran to my cage and cancelled the appointment. She rushed me back to the car and drove me home. Mommy said her Mommy Instincts told her it was not a good idea. So for the rest of the day I am allowed to call Mommy as many bad names as I want. I am not mad though. I got more treats when I got home and now I am just chillin like it never happened. I am a little miffed though, cuz I was seriously looking forward to my bippie breeze I get when my bum is shaved. Tartar Sauce.


grill + meat + breeze = RAD!!!!

May 27th 2007 1:27 pm
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Hey Dudes and Dudettes, I haven't written since the day of my most pawful betrayal, but my butt fur is growing back, so I thought it was time for an FDB Update in my Manly Journal.

Well, first thing is it is Memorial Day Weekend. This means the windows are opened all day long and me and my sisfurs are sniffing the air non-stop. The neighbors are grilling all sorts of things. Meat, fish, portobellos. This is the prime weekend for air sniffage.
Also of Intrest in the Air:
-a pile of loam that was delivered last week, smells like clay with undertones of alfalfa and the slightest hint of manure YEAH!!!
-lilacs and other fragrant flowers...those are a little girly but even a Manly Man like me can appreciate that as good sniffage
-beachy stuff, like birds who are carrying clams and seaweed, and low tide, which by the way also has undertones of manure.
-birds, squirrels, bugs, they all carry the stink of future lunches.
-Miscallaneous Sniffage: grass seeds, fresh paint, sprinkler on wet grass, spider webs, the broom bristles have a bunch of smelly things on them.

Ahhhhh, summer. Relaxing, right? No. Not here, not anymore.

I have two new Arch Nemesises I need to tell you about, Manly Journal.
Arch Nemesis #1: New Kid Next Door
New Kid is a little hoomin, but funny, he is so much more annoying than the large size ones. He comes up on our deck when the hoomins are not home and looks in. When he spots a cat he bangs on the glass. When we are sitting in the window he throws junk at the screen. Whe the hoomins ARE home he is constantly bugging them. He talks non-stop, picks his nose, and asks for bandaids. Not cool, New Kid, so not cool. Lunches have been delayed because the hoomin does not want the Kid to see her dishing out food, which is cause for a mirage of questions. What do they eat? How much does it cost? How often? What if they don't like it? Have you ever fed them one nibble at a time? What if you don't feed them? Can they eat carrots? boogers? mice? broccoli? Can *I* feed them? Can I pet them? Can I have one of them? Can I chase one of them with this sharp stick? Hey, does this stick look like a ninja sword? Hey, come out here and I will try it out on you...

and so on so forth...

Arch Nemesis #2: Made in Taiwan Bird
Recently my Grandmaw brought home a fake bird in a little bamboo cage. It is motion activated and is about forty decibels too loud. Polka Dot and Sassy love it, but I nearly poop my pants every time I walk by and it squaks at me in stereo. I think there might be a subwoofer attached to the underside. It's name is "Made in Taiwan", at least that is what it says on the sticker. I don't know what G-Maw was smokin when she bought this thing. To add insult to injury, she placed the thing right in front of the window in our house which is the Prime Bird Watching Window. They like to jump around in the bushes outside this window with worms in their mouths to check if the coast is clear to their nests. Now in order for me to get to this Prime Birdwatching Space I need to go through an obstacle course of chairs, end tables and lamps to get to the window sill. Even then, if Polka Dot sees me watchin she will run over, jump on Made in Taiwan's table, and set the thing off. Which means I need to jet *anyways*. Arrrgh. And it doesn't do much for my image as a Manly Man to be the only one here afraid of it. Actually, Mommy is a bit afraid of it too, she went for a peek out the window the other morning with a cup of tea and it went of SQUAK SQUAK SQUAK TWEET. She jumped and it caused some tea spillage. She said it may be possible to "phase out" Made in Taiwan in a way in which Grandmaw wil not notice the absence. It will involve slowly moving the cage over to the left a centimeter at a time until it is right next to the front door. Then one day, voila, it will suddenly accidently fall into the trash bag as Mommy is walking out to the dumpster cans. That is the plan. hee hee. It is just good enough to forgive Mommy for getting my Manly Hiney shaved.

Oh, and while I'm at it, I just thought of a third and final Arch Nemesis I am currently at battle with: Grandmaw's Hair
As if bringing in the menacing Fake Bird wasn't enough, the woman goes and decides to dry her hair curly for the summer. YIKES! At night when we are watching tv I used to like to sit on the back of the chair Grandmaw sits in. The first day she dried the hairs curly I was minding my own business on the back of the chair then all of the sudden I open my eyes and this giant brown creature is coming at me. I went on attack and wrapped my claws around it and it screeched. WOOPS. It was Grandmaw's head. Mommy says the hairs look nice and if I don't like it I should find a new place to sit. Huh. Well, for one thing, the hairs take up more room when they are curly. More of *MY* room. Maybe Mommy should take *her* to get shaved. At least my hiney fur never got into anyone else's space.

Until next time, Manly Journal...



March 29th 2007 9:01 am
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This morning I woke up all ready for my manly beauty parlor appointment and surprise party. Well I got a surprise alright. I got man-handled and betrayed. Mommy put me in the Lock Box and drove me over to the horrible place I went when I ate that string. There were so many D*GS there and one guy kept walking his darn d*g up to my cage to sniff at me. Mommy turned my cage so he could not see me, but I could still smell the stench. They were all barking and carrying on. Finally my furrend Dr. McCartin came out and got us. Even though he is a vet he is my furrend cuz he saved my life one time. Mommy took me out of the cage and he felt me all up under my tummy. I raised up my lip and showed him my teeth, but he didn't get the point. They kept talking about the string the string the string. I will never live that down. I guy eats a string once and it is all he ever hears about. Then he stuck me in the bum and the back with NEEDLES! I got weighed and I was back to my normal weight, 12 pounds. I am a beefy man. Mommy put me back in my cage and then they started talking about some band they like. HEY HUMANS! REMEMBER ME??? The CAT in the CAGE??!!! Unbelievable. Mommy took me to pay the bill and then I thought it was over. Mommy walked me around back of the building and said I was going to the beauty parlor now. YAY!! Right? No. Beauty parlor my fuzzy butt. It was a small room with cages chock full of D*GS barking and loud fans and buzzers. The guy came over and they yelled back and forth over the noise. Then he took me back there RIGHT next to those dogs. He clipped me nails and took out some buzzers. I tried to hang on to the edge of the table and pull myself over but he yanked me back. I looked over at Mommy and she had a horrified look on her face and her hand was covering her mouth. He shaved my belly up and I twisted and turned as much as possible. THEN HE WENT FOR MY BUM!!! HE SHAVED MY HINEY!!! When he was done he put his face in my face and talked at me. Oh boy was I ready to get back in that cage. Mommy actually PAYED him for that. I was quiet the whole time but now I let out a sound that sounded very much like an air raid siren. WEEEEEEEEEEUUOOOOHHHHH-WEEEEEEEEEOUUUUUUW!!!! Mommy ran me back to the pawful car and we came home. I was still hanging onto hope at this piont that there was really a surprise party. Nope. I got nothing except my sister cats sniffing at me and hissing and acting like I am toxic waste. Not they are all hiding and I am grooming myself proper. *sigh* Mommy said they did a bad job on my bum and they didn't do the back of my pantaloon fur like they said. Mommy said I get a treat tonight, but I am not meowing to her ever again.

Don't tell anycat this, but you know what? Mommy opened the window to get fresh air a few minutes ago and the breeze flew through my fur and onto my newly bald tummy and OH BOY it was nice. I just don't get why they did my bum though. I am not to crazy about the draft I am getting back there. And Polka Dot is going to tease me about this bald bippie for months and months.


the suspense continues...

March 27th 2007 4:31 pm
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eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! Well this morning someone called Mommy again and she said my name on the phone like thirty times. She was describing what my pantaloon fur looks like and was asking how much something would cost. I think she is having an oil painting portrait made of me for my surprise party. And she spent lots of time brushing me and told me how gorgeous I am. I am a manly man, so I don't really like that kind of talk, but I purred a little and rolled on my back just to be nice. The I heard Mommy whispering to Grandmaw that she feels so guilty!! I know what thats all about. She feels guilty because she is making such a big stink about how rad I am and the girlcats are getting jealous. My tummy is all butterflies (manly ones). Oh just wait!! This is going to be the best surprise ever. I am going to practice my suprised look in the bathroom mirror now.


my surprise party!!

March 26th 2007 4:57 pm
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I heard my Mommy on the phone this afternoon. She told someone I was "overdue" and she needed an "appointment"!!! Then she called someone else and mentioned me AGAIN!! She asked how much it would cost to shave my belly and my pantaloon fur. I THINK SHE IS TAKING ME TO A BEAUTY PARLOR TO GET ME FLUFFED UP FOR A SURPRISE PARTY!!!!! Errr, not that I would *want* to go to a beauty parlor, I am a MAN, after all. But I am definitely overdue for a surprise party. I have never had one before! Anyways, she told Grandmaw it would be at 10:30 am this Thursday. I hope all my catster furrends are there. My sisfur's are acting like they don't know anything, and Sassy even snickered at me and said I was going to the evil doctor. That is the purrrfect cover up. IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE, SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR FUR!!!!


Things I Wiped My Face On Today

March 17th 2007 4:02 pm
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1. the corner of the coffee table
2. on Grandmaw's snow boot
3. the scratching post
4. the plant stand
5. on Phoebe's Hello Kitty Clubhouse Box
6. on the blue wood trunk
7. on the wicker basket in Grandmaw's room
8. on the edge of the water bowl
9. this is the grossest one: on the edge of the litter box


the closet

January 31st 2007 9:06 am
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It has been awhile since I have written in my diary...ehHEM!! I mean journal. Journals are WAY more manly than diaries. So, since last time I wrote what has happened...

Well, for starters, I learned that I have the memory of a goldfish. Mommy was not feeling well last week, and she was sleeping and I got bored. So what do I do? I decided to chew on a nice piece of thread I found hanging off Mom's sheets. Now for those of you who know me, you know that last May I had a surgery to remove 18 inches of thread from my intestines. I had sworn off chewing after that, but then I forgot. Mommy thought she had de-stringed the whole house, but I always seem to find the ONE piece she missed. So she heard me chewing up a storm and jumped up and cut the string off and said "What do you suggest I do with you Furmy, put you in a giant AQUARIUM like a hampster??!!" I sort of liked that idea, but I didn't say so. I would love to have my own space with wood shavings and a big plastic hut, a running wheel and chewy toys. Oh MAN. My Mom is a genius sometimes.

The next thing that happened to me was Grandmaw's fault. She was late for work on Monday, and as she was getting her coat out of the closet, I spotted my feather on a stick toy. I jumped in while Grandmaw was wrapping her scarf around her neck, and when she had zipped up her coat she closed the door.I thought it was unusually dark, but I could still smell my feather toy, so it didn't bother me at first. Then I got bored and realized Grandmaw LEFT the house, and I was alone in the dark closet. I tried to jump up but I just pulled some coats off the hangers. Now, I am the kind of guy who thinks if you can't beat em, join em. I didn't make much of a stink about it like Sassy would. I just found a comfortable palce to lay on an extension cord and went to sleep.

Five hours later, Mommy came in and started feeding us lunch. She was calling me and calling, but I was too comfy on my cords to answer her. Her voice got panicked after about 10 minutes with no answer and she freaked. I could hear her from the closet running up and down the stairs and throwing couch cushions. She called Grandmaw at work and accused her of letting me escape, which I have never tried to do EVER. Mommy has a sort of sixth sense about cats who are lost in the house once she calms down, so finally, it kicked in and Mommy threw open the closet and saw me. (side note: ask my Sister Polka Dot about the Futon Incident) She scooped me up and squeezed me and kissed my head. I was really ready for lunch about then, so I MEOWED to be put down near my plate.

Now the humans had to add Check The Closet to the list of things you have to do to protect Furman Dexter Baggins.


Dear Santa Paws,

December 19th 2006 7:50 am
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Dear Santa Paws,
I have been a very good boy this year. Well, mostly a good boy. I *did* eat a really long piece of string and had to have a big surgery and worried my family to death, but other than that I was purrfect. Oh, and I guess I should mention that I did whack my Mommy with my big paddle feet when she tried to get the matte out of my pantaloon fur, but still, other than that I was good. Except for the time I jumped up onto the chair Phoebe was sitting on and boxed her, then jumped down before Mommy saw. I am always a good boy, Santa Paws. But not when it is feeding time and me and Sassafras have a slap fight. Oh, and I have been known to steal othercat's favorite sleeping spots when they are using the box. And I one time ripped all the feathers off the end of the stick toy in a fit of pent up aggression. There was one time when I had a tummy ache and I did a big poop on Polka Dot's roller ball track toy. But at least it wasn't on the floor!! So, since I was such a good boy this year, I thought I should send my Catmas list. Really it is okay if I don't get *everything*, but almost all of them would be good.

Furman's List
A new feather on a stick toy
one Yeeeowza catnip banana (the only nip I can smell)
one cat tree, one that really looks like a tree
a real canary
a new blue dish
Chuck Taylor sneakers (4)
a gift certificate to go deep sea fishing
binoculars for bird watching
a fake ID that says I am 21
tickets to go see the Blue Cat Group in Vegas

See? That is all. Hardly anything really. I'm sure it will all fit on the sleigh. Oh, and we don't have a chimney, so I guess I can unlock the sliding door out back after Mommy goes to bed. Make sure you look for the cookies and milk I leave for you! Well, there might not be milk, I might drink that myself. Love and Headbonks, Furman Dexter Baggins

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