October 16th 2015 4:52 am
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My beautiful demon succumbed to a multitude of things - FIV, degenerative disc disease in his back, anemia, kidney failure, and probably so much more pain than he let on. August 28, 2015 is now officially tied for April 1, 2006 as the worst day of my life.
We had decided on euthanasia back in June when it was clear he wasn't going to spring back this time like he'd always done before. Only a week after his last checkup, he'd stopped eating and using the litterbox. He was hiding under my bed like feral cats do when they're waiting to die. So I took him in and he was a growly pain in the ass just like the first time we met. The vet tech held him still while the vet gave him the injection and I held his paw and told him I loved him more than anything else in the world. And then my heart shattered.
I don't know if any of you know Neil Gaiman's story The Black Cat... I know Coinneach does. Well, now we've both lost our guardian demons.
I still can't discuss it without that huge Maine Coon sized hole in my heart getting ripped open again and again, so please forgive my absence and I'm not sure when I'll be able to come back, as I have tears streaming down my face already and I can almost literally feel myself shattering all over again.
That was the hardest thing I've ever done and it broke me. I can admit that because, for once, it's obvious even to me. I miss him so much that I know he took the other half of my heart with him. Now is his time to protect Val, who has the other piece of my soul. In the meantime, I'm going to honor both of them with every ragged, tearful breath I take. So many people don't ever experience that love you would truly die for. I've had it twice (though never with a romantic partner). In that, I am lucky. There are no words to convey how absolutely alone and broken apart I feel, especially when I'm with other people. That's when it's the loneliest.
Anyway, there's my cue to go cry myself to sleep and hope I dream good dreams of my best friends instead of the nightmares I've been having consistently enough (20+days per month, PTSD nightmares) that my family just let me alone. Fluff's vet, his tech, and the crematory place were all exceptionally kind. I have his ashes in a beautiful carven wooden box, but I'm going to have to change the plaque to say "Fluffy DemonCat" instead of just Fluffy.
I don't have enough metaphors for sadness, so I'll go now. I figured my Alpha boy's friends would like to know what's happened. Referring to the story.... I don't think I'd even feel it if the devil came for me now. That's nothing compared to losing my soul, my heart, and my world. Twice.
I wish I could tell him how much I loved him again. I don't care if anyone gives me the platitudes of "he knew," I want to be able to say it to him again and have him smack me awake with those big, gorgeous black paws.
I am never not broken. Look up the words and the goddess that goes with them.
I love you more than anything, my incredible Demon. I hope you are truly at peace now.
Fluffy Demoncat, you are more beloved than most humans on this planet and have given more of yourself as them, as well.
June 17, 2006 - August 28, 2015
Rest now, my love, my heart.
December 28th 2014 4:12 pm
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This is Fluff's human.. my friend, Mal, had her 18 month old kitten, Fus, torn to shreds by wolf hybrids. I'm about to cry at the mere thought of it and what she's had to deal with due to her former roommate (the owner of the unsocialized and vicious wolf hybrids), so I'm just going to post a link to her blog and the fund to help bring Fus's murderer to justice:
Fluff and I would really appreciate if you would all share this everywhere you can think of. Donations towards Fus's legal fund would be immensely appreciated, as this legal fight is getting really expensive, thanks to Dr. Matthew Blacke, the owner of the wolf hybrids, and general bad man (to put it politely) has moved, either selling Mal's stuff or just leaving it, after he kicked her out at the very moment she was crying and screaming in the ran, cradling Fus's lifeless body in her arms, which is illegal eviction and the height of cruelty. He's canceled all of his phone numbers and refuses to return calls by her attorney to his work.
Remember rule zero of the internet... if you fuck with cats, we will get you! I am heartbroken for my friend, so now I must go cry into my beloved Fluff's fur and try not to remember that he's slowly dying as well.
June 26th 2014 6:29 pm
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The human took me back to the vet today. My nose has a swollen bit in one side again. It's a... "localized infection." I have had this off and on for months. The pills do not work, but the vet says I look better than I did a couple months ago. You know, back when he cut my nose open! I don't like this at all. I want to go outside. The white cats get to go outside and the alpha, Pyro, taunts me from the window. Of course, he wants into my room and I want out and the human will listen to neither of us! Appalling. Of course, if I was anywhere near him, I would have to claw his annoying little eyeballs out. This is why the human won't let us be around each other. What? It's only been 6 years that I've known them! I am as antisocial as my human. I can put up with them if there is a door or screen between us. They're so very irritating, with their whining and wanting "cuddles." But I rule here. Fine, maybe it's because the human is worried. Or maybe it's because I can control her mind. Hehehe. Er, I mean... Mwahahaha!!
Meh. I'm tired. I'm going under the bed to get away from the world.