Sometimes during the hubbub of Mother’s Day, we forget about those who might have been mothers but for the effectiveness of our decades-long national campaign to spay and neuter our pets. So it’s nice to check in on them during the holiday — or after, if you haven’t seen them for a while. I decided to ask my cat, Stella, about Mother’s Day.
Stella, I didn’t see you at all on Mother’s Day. Where have you been?
I’ve been behind the couch.
YOU STERILIZED ME!
Aw, Stella, I thought we talked about this.
YOU TALKED. I was just a kitten. WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN A MOTHER.
Stella, you know that spaying and neutering cats prevents unwanted kitties.
Why are you so keen on preventing kitties? I could use some kitties. Just the other day I was thinking, well, the couch isn’t going to shred itself.
So you want kittens to do your dirty work?
Not at all! I just want one to climb on the bookshelf and knock the clock off the wall. It’s really bugging me.
The clock is bugging you.
And I need a kitten to eat some grass and throw up on your new comforter. Really provocative move, buying a white one. But no — YOU TOOK MY FUTURE BABIES FROM ME.
They would be long gone by now, anyway.
What do you mean?
I mean I would have given your kittens away.
It’s the way it works. You maybe keep one or two kittens and then you give the rest away.
You mean there are more than two?
How many are there?
Well, up to six or so for the first pregnancy, and assuming you stay healthy and have a couple of litters per year, and that goes on for —
Hold up. A couple litters per year?
Could be three litters per year.
And that continues for, oh, say 15 years, given that cats don’t go through menopa —
Hold up. Fifteen years?
At least. Until you die, anyway.
So, theoretically, over the course of your lifetime, if everything went perfectly, you could’ve ended up with somewhere in the range of 180 kittens.
OH MY GOD!
I COULD’VE HAD A CULT!
YOU TOOK MY FUTURE CULT AWAY FROM ME!
Go back behind the couch, Stella.
Not until I get my present.