The 85th Annual Academy Awards show airs this Sunday, and it’s one of my favorite nights of the year (whether or not I’ve seen all the films). You see, my family and I are complete and utter awards-show geeks. We begin the festivities by creating a bunch of fancy appetizers, and gather ’round the TV to take in all the sparkly splendor and frequent fashion faux pas of the red carpet. And I’m always happy to answer the burning question on everyone’s mind: “Who are you wearing?” Well, my yoga pants are Target couture and my vintage T-shirt is embellished with a faded cat-food logo — I think it was free at a PetSmart event I attended years ago. Go ahead, be jealous.
In reality, most of our family members spent many years showing up at our house on awards night dressed in the theme of one of the nominated movies. And the costumes were always kept secret until the big night. I think my favorite was when my husband and my brother-in-law dressed up as Tom Hanks and the volleyball named Wilson from Castaway. This is what happens when you marry a theater girl — you have to constantly dress up.
But why should humans have all the awards-season fun? My cats love reviewing films, especially Oscar-nominated ones. I’m not quite certain they’ve actually seen all the nominees, but they’re eager to offer their candid feline opinions. Based on some of the human reviews I’ve read, I trust the cat ones just as much — sometimes more.
Without further ado, the fuzzy film-savvy trio of Maurice, Anastasia, and Baron Von Applesauce (my cats’ professional names) share their opinions on the nine films nominated for this year’s Best Picture Oscar.
Maurice: “Obviously, the best thing going for this film is the last name of one of the producers: Katz. You can leave after the opening credits.”
Anastasia: “Subtitles? Way to make me feel completely bourgeoisie, France. Message received.”
Baron Von Applesauce: “This film was seriously lacking in gravy.”
Maurice: “All the water in this film made me feel uncomfortable. I left after the first hour.”
Anastasia: “The tiger‘s performance moved me to tears. Why wasn’t he nominated? I smell feline discrimination.”
Baron Von Applesauce: “I don’t recall a single piece of pie in this film.”
Maurice: “I’ve always been a fan of our 16th president, but puuuleeease! My furry butt needed emancipation from that theater seat, where Spielberg expected me to sit awake for two and a half hours! Total respect to the the guy who helped E.T. phone home, but I’m a cat! I finally had to curl up and take a nap. I’m pretty sure I know how the movie ends.”
Anastasia: “What exactly is a ‘score’ and why are there four of them? Is this movie about playing a game? Why were there no wand toys with feathers? I’m confused.”
Baron Von Applesauce: “I hope the Ford Theater’s concession stand had decent snacks. I’d feel better knowing Lincoln had at least enjoyed some buttered popcorn.”
Maurice: “This movie takes place in Iran, where there are deserts just full of sand. Can you imagine? This thought completely distracted me and I remember nothing about the film.”
Anastasia: “Ben Affleck? I still haven’t gotten over Good Will Hunting. On my worst day I’ve been a better hunter than the guys in that movie. Snooze.”
Baron Von Applesauce: “This movie was about hostages? I was once held hostage by a plate of leftover brisket. It was intoxicating.”
Maurice: “The characters in this film live in an area known as the Bathtub. Nothing ever good comes of being in a bathtub. I left after the first bathtub reference.”
Anastasia: “The little girl’s nickname is Hushpuppy and I realize she’s named after food, but I felt threatened by the canine implications.”
Baron Von Applesauce: “The amount of tasty-looking fresh crab falling off the tables in this movie makes it worth the watch. Trust me.”
Maurice: “One single redeeming factor of this film: the presence of Robert De Niro. You may remember him as the one with the lovely cat in Meet the Fockers. They should have sent the rest of the Playbook cast home.”
Anastasia: “Maurice, did you forget the Ernest Hemingway reference in the movie? Hemingway had more cats than the guy in Fockers. And why do they need a book to learn how to play? I’m confused.”
Baron Von Applesauce: “Isn’t the girl from Hunger Games in that movie? I need a snack.”
Maurice: “Leo DiCaprio is in this one — his first name is fantastic. Go ahead and nap until he shows up onscreen. Who is this Tarantino character, anyway?”
Anastasia: “Why is the D in Django silent? That’s just plain Dconfusing. And why do foxes get to be last names? I think Jamie Cat sounds way better than Jamie Foxx.”
Baron Von Applesauce: “Tarantuna? Is that his name? I’m Dhungry.”
Maurice: “Middle East. More deserts. More sand. More distraction.”
Anastasia: “Good thing they didn’t send Ben ‘Good Will Hunting’ Affleck in there. They’d still be looking for Osama bin Laden. And what? The Navy suddenly has seals?”
Baron Von Applesauce: “Navy rhymes with gravy.”
Maurice: “Who lays mis├®rable? They’re obviously doing it wrong.”
Anastasia: “I found this film incredibly loud and there was entirely too much singing and too many canon blasts. I spent half the movie hiding under my seat.” (See a version of Les Mis performed by kittens!)
Baron Von Applesauce: “Jean Valjean was arrested for stealing bread? Good thing I didn’t live back then. I’d spend half my nine lives in prison. Russell Crow? His name sounds delicious.”
Do your cats have any comments on the films? Share them in the comments!
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