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6 Headlines We Would See in a Cats’ Newspaper

Catnip cigars stolen, stinky shoes rejected and fights over dead birds are among newsmaking events from this fictional feline daily.

Angie Bailey  |  Jan 11th 2017


Newspaper headlines are sometimes sensational, encouraging readers to soak up all the details of the latest happenings. If cats had their own newspapers, the headlines would definitely be dramatic, and the stories full of intriguing and sometimes odd accounts of events in the feline world.

Here are six headlines that we’d certainly find in a cats’ newspaper.

1. Local Cat Gets Stuck Inside Cola Box

"I am an island."

“I am an island.” Photo via Flickr

Fluffy McGee, of the Walnut Lane McGees, entered a cola box early Sunday afternoon in search of a “good time.” Soon after inserting half his body inside the box, he realized he couldn’t emerge. “He eats a lot of chicken jerky,” said a witness. “But he’s not overweight or anything.” Nearby cats tried to talk the panicky cat out of his sticky situation, but he refused to listen, saying only, “I am an island.” After a few hours, his brother Steve arrived home and informed the officials that a recent incident involving a vinyl play tunnel and too much catnip had convinced Fluffy he could no longer do the “backing-up” thing. Steve then went on to chew the other side of the box open, and Fluffy slid through, unscathed, requesting that the incident “shall not be discussed.”

2. Cat Refuses Shoes; Family Worried

Fluffy's strange behavior remains unexplained.

Fluffy’s strange behavior remains unexplained. Photo via Flickr

Bella, a known shoe-sniffer, baffled family members on Tuesday when she refused to engage with a pair of strappy red heels. “She loves open-toed shoes,” said her cousin Wanda. “These were worn for several hours at a wedding reception. I could smell them from across the room. We have no idea what’s going on.” Bella refused to comment, and instead stared at an invisible object on the carpet.

3. “Spitty” Sanderson Still at Large

A candid photo taken of "Spitty" at an undisclosed location.

A candid photo taken of “Spitty” at an undisclosed location. Photo via Flickr

“Spitty” Sanderson, the leader of the underground group known as “Smell This!,” escaped from custody and is now at large. He was spotted at the speakeasy-style valerian-root den called Root 66, owned by the group; however, the witness chose to remain anonymous, saying, “My girlfriend can’t know I was hanging out at that place.” Any clues leading to the capture of “Spitty,” are appreciated.

4. Bird Flies Into Window, Inciting Riot Among ‘Outside Cats’

"Stinky" could hardly believe his eyes.

“Stinky” could hardly believe his eyes. Photo via Flickr

“I was just in the window, minding my own business, watching chickadees that’d gathered in the tree in front of my house,” said “Stinky Silverfish” (not his real name). “Suddenly, a giant THUD hit the window, and that’s when it all went down.” Sources say a group of “outside cats” saw the bird, who died upon impact, and began a “dibs” war over who would get it. The rioting, which included deep growling, swatting and hissing, lasted some 20 minutes, during which time a human woman entered the yard, wrapped the deceased bird in a towel, and walked back into her house.

5. Cat Will Attempt to Stay Awake for Four Straight Hours

A dare for this history books.

A dare for this history books. Photo via Flickr

On a dare from friends, Scotty, a local tuxedo, will attempt to stay awake and alert for four straight hours. “He’ll never make it,” said his best friend Cotton. “He can barely keep his eyes open in the litter box.” Scotty, never backing down from a dare, told reporters he’d been training for a few days, and as long as he didn’t see a fleece blanket or laundry basket, he expected to meet his goal and looked forward to bragging rights.

6. Cat Fight Over Catnip Cigar Sparks Dissension in Cat Community

Will we really ever know the truth?

Will we really ever know the truth? Photo via Flickr

Last Friday, Butterscotch and Porkchop were kicked out of a local catnip dispensary for brawling over the ownership of a catnip cigar. Porkchop said, “She already has a banana. I don’t know why she’s getting so worked up. They’re basically the same thing.” Butterscotch couldn’t disagree more, saying, “He’s full of $h*t. I walked in with that cigar, and I plan on walking out with it. The banana is not mine. Go ahead, test the spit — it’s his!” This disagreement launched major discord among area cats, who are now wearing “Team Butterscotch” or “Team Porkchop” shirts. One rioter said, “You know it’s bad if we’re wearing shirts. We hate wearing shirts.”

What kind of headline would be in your cat’s “newspaper?” Tell us in the comments!