Humor
Share this image

5 Reasons Why My Cat Would Take Me to Small Claims Court

Stolen laundry basket? Unfair food portions? Embarrassing photos? Here comes the judge!

Angie Bailey  |  Aug 29th 2016


Although cats are generally sweet and usually agreeable, they definitely have a snarky side. Just look at your cat’s face when he or she is obviously displeased with some violation that’s taken quite personally … such as removing them from a laundry basket. The horror!

If given the opportunity, I believe cats would totally take humans to small claims court to seek retribution for the wrongs we thoughtless humans have committed. I know my Cosmo wouldn’t think twice about hauling me in front of Judge Judy or the like.

Here are five reasons why he’d want the book thrown at me, in his own words.

1. Defamation

"Speaks for itself."

“Speaks for itself.”

The evidence speaks for itself. What human in her right mind would post a ghastly photo such as the submitted evidence to social media? What if Mr. Boots from down the hall saw this? I’d forever be known as “Flower Hat Boy” or something equally disturbing. I assumed she’d post the photos without the childish effects, and I was fine with that. I trust you’ll agree the basic photo of me is quite handsome. I may or may not be known as a “Casanova” in my neighborhood. Now the ladies will be calling me “CasaNOva.” This is not fair and a total assault to my upstanding character and reputation. I’m here claiming defamation, and ask the defendant to delete all embarrassing photos of me (with or without effects — yes, I’m referring to that litter box “action shot”) from social media and any copies destroyed.

Judge rules for the plaintiff.

2. Emotional Distress

"This is egregious!"

“This is egregious!”

The defendant is well aware of my reaction to the sound of crinkling bags. She knows I fully expect cat treats when I hear the crinkle. Picture this: I’m dead asleep, on just the third hour of my nap. I hear the telltale crinkle of chicken cat treats coming from the kitchen. I consider staying in the laundry basket (again, on just the THIRD hour of sleep), but decide a treat would be delicious, so I stretch and emerge from my cozy blanket. I excitedly walk into the kitchen, scanning the floor for the tasty nuggets, but see nothing but the same cat-hair tumbleweeds that were there that morning. I look up to find the defendant with her hand inside a bag of tortilla chips. My buzz quickly deflates as I realize my selfish human is tossing my needs aside and instead feeding her own face. Not only is she a negligent housekeeper (see: cat-hair tumbleweeds), she has caused severe emotional distress. Did I mention I was on just my third hour of sleep? I demand retribution in the form of five extra cat treats a day for the next year.

Judge rules for the plaintiff.

3. Negligence

"Lazy scooping!"

“Lazy scooping!”

One should be able to expect certain things in life: food, fresh water, and a clean litter box. One shouldn’t be made to squat inside a filthy box. Last week when the defendant scooped my box, I noticed one tiny clump she missed. Sure, some might call it small and insignificant, but I view it as complete negligence and disregard for my comfort and happiness. How am I supposed to enjoy a satisfying litter box experience when the “clean” litter box is not really clean? Lies! I claim negligence on the part of the defendant and expect extra gravy in my dinner for the next six months to repay me for her gross laxity. 

Judge rules for the plaintiff.

4. Property Theft

"Can you see the theft? Can you?"

“Can you see the theft? Can you?”

Some may say this is not really a case of theft because the item is always returned to its rightful owner (me), but I’m asking the court to look at the situation from another angle. All baskets and boxes in a home automatically belong to the cat. That’s the undisputed truth. When a basket is taken from its primary location and used to transport human clothing, it can be only one thing: theft. This is exactly what continues to happen in my home. The defendant regularly removes the wicker basket from the laundry room and fills it with her clothing. Then she empties it and refills it again. I don’t mind the refill with warm clothing because I definitely benefit from naps on top of it. But then she displaces me and folds the clothing. I’m so confused and feel absolutely violated. If it’s my basket (which it obviously is), it should remain in its rightful place. This is clearly a case of property theft, and I demand the basket be permanently stationed in the laundry room and regularly filled with warm clothing.

Judge rules for the plaintiff.

5. Discriminaton

"I want a ticket to the FAIR!"

“I want a ticket to the FAIR!”

When you share a home with another cat, things should be fair. Specifically, Cat A should not receive more food than Cat B. Evidence shows that the defendant does not abide by this rule. The defendant does not think I can count (that’s true), but I can see with my own eyes when one bowl of food is obviously more full than the other one. This has gone on for far too long and is clearly a case of discrimination. I request that all food pieces be carefully counted while both cats watch to ensure equal distribution. In case you’re wondering, I’m Cat B.

Judge rules for the plaintiff.

For what reasons would your cat take you to small claims court?