August 3rd 2012 11:04 pm
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I have been aware of this day approaching for a few weeks now. I celebrated your "Gotcha Day" last week...just like I always have. I woke up yesterday, and I cried for you....with sincerity... I have been blocking out the pain and emptiness for so so long. I can't believe 3 years have passed since you went away....it still hurts like it was yesterday. I dream of you often, and I look to the stars and pray for you quite frequently. Ever since the 4th of July of 2009, just weeks before you had to go, I have been watching these beautiful Chinese Lanterns float by....Every year I go outside and sit and wait....and every year since then , I have seen them go by. I make a wish and say a prayer as each one passes.
Things are so different now, yet still the same. We had each other for such a short time, yet it feels as though I had you forever. I miss you, I miss Catster, I miss the friends I made because of you.... However, time goes on. Writing to you was the only thing I could do, and it helped me to deal with our loss... I will never understand why we had such a bond, and why I had to lose you so soon. It hurts me so much to think about you, and how sad you were those last few weeks. My little Angel, you were so smart...you knew that you were sick...I could see it in your eyes. I could feel it in your breath...What a lady...you fought as hard as you could, and you held on as long as you were able. I would have done anything if I could have saved you, but there wasn't anything I could do. Amazing how one little sweet cat can come along and change a person forever...I feel as though you were given to me from God for a reason. I pray you are out there somewhere, happy and safe, yet aware of my love for you and how much you meant to me. I have been going through a lot of difficult times since you left, and I know you are aware. It's because of you that I am able to keep fighting...trying hard to move forward. Yes, you...my little girl, taught me so much about life, love, acceptance, and what matters. I wish that I could hold you...just for a second...right now...I miss you so much...I know if I saw you I wouldn't want to let go....I would only pray for more...but if I could have that chance...that one embrace...to know you are okay....then I would cry and cry...yet I would be happy...comforted...knowing that your spirit lives on...knowing that I WILL see you again one day...and we will never again be apart....My heart feels you close....I love you more than words can say...I miss you, Ava, I really do...Please watch over me...especially Andy...and all of the other furs. Deep inside, I know Andy remembers you, and always will. One day, we will all be together again...I pray...I hope....Believing that makes life worth living. Thank you for coming into my life, and making me understand what love really is....Miss you forever....Kisses and Squishes....Mommy
October 18th 2011 10:18 pm
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There's a little black cat...who lives outside my place of work. I watch this cat, from my window, occasionally hunting and catching his prey. I admire that cat, for being on his own, and yet finding the strength, courage, and willingness to survive on his own. I often think about that cat...wonder if I had spotted him as a kitten, if I could have "saved" him. Yet, now that he is grown, I know tha...t the chances of him adapting to a domestic life are slim. I take comfort on those days when I see him taking control of his own life...making it into what he knows as a good life. After all, that's all he does know...how to survive...the instinct is innate...
Yet today, as I left work, after another long and exhausting day...I stopped just before the door. I looked outside, saw the tiny raindrops beginning to fall...the darkness slowly overcoming the light, and the cool breeze coming through the doors. I then pulled my hood over my head, and reached into my purse for my keys. As I made the walk to my car, I was surrounded by silence...and a strange yearning to know where the cat was...if he was okay. I then began to wonder what winter would be like for this cat...alone...on his own...in that large empty field. Suddenly, I stopped. Something made me look out to the field. There, over 100 yards away, was the black cat. Sitting on top of a fence. In the cold rain.
I wanted to go to him, yet I knew from experience that it was no use. I felt sad as I was about to enter my warm and dry car. Then, to my surprise, I noticed the cat was moving. Yes, in the cold rain, he was walking along the top rails of the fence. So gracefully, so full of confidence. Oblivious to the cold, the rain, the darkness surrounding him. He had a will, a will to survive. To carry on with his day, his life...to move forward with out fear or hesitance. It was in this moment that I, too, realized what was possible. That I, like that cat, can keep moving forward, on my own. I too, like that cat, would survive.
October 11th 2011 5:09 pm
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Mommy is in shock...she can't write...but she took Augie to the vet...it was the best decision to help him make his journey...