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Is it normal for me to feel such intense grief and sadness?

Whether a cat dies, is lost or stolen, or must be placed in a new home, this is the place to gather together to give and receive love and support when you experience the loss of a beloved cat.

  
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Apollo (in- loving- memory)

136968
 
 
Purred: Mon Mar 17, '14 9:46am PST 
I haven't posted anything here in a long time, although I do read a lot of the articles, especially lately.

Anyway, my boy Apollo had to be put to sleep on Saturday, and I am so grief stricken that I almost feel embarrassed. I can not stop crying. Aside from sadness, I feel guilt and all of the other things that go along with this dreadful experience.

My cats have been a part of our lives for a long time, and they are like our children. I absolutely adored and loved him, turdiness and all.

It's a long story, but he was initially diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, about a year and a half ago or so, after noticeable weight loss. While he never regained any weight, he was maintaining. Eventually his liver enzymes were high, and after losing a little more weight, a mass was discovered. We took him for an ultrasound/biopsy, and the results were inconclusive. Being so frail, we weren't about the have him cut open or anything. This was back in early August, 2013.

His thyroid medication was cut in half and he was started on prednisolone and denimarin. He would not take the denimarin (pilling him was hard enough), so I started giving him milk thistle. He did okay for the next 5 months or so, but ultimately lost more weight. The last time I took him to the vet (3/6/14), he had bacteria in his urine, elevated white blood cell count and something with his pancreas, which wasn't alarming, hence my ignorance. He was then prescribed an antibiotic. I already knew in my heart he was on his way out because he was getting weaker and had lost a lot of muscle mass. By then he was down to 7 lbs.

We took him to an emergency vet on Sunday 3/9, where he spent the night and received subcutaneous fluids. I had misgivings about going there, but my bf was very concerned, and I supported that decision. The next day he seemed a little better, but it was all for naught, and it was a steady and heartbreaking decline from there. He just got so weak, but was such a trooper, still making his way to the basement 2 days prior to his passing, to pee (even if it was on the floor). I just felt that he was trying so hard, and that is what tears me up the most, that and how lifeless he was when we took him to the vet to be euthanized on Saturday morning (3/15).

I knew it was forthcoming, but it still hurts a lot. I can barely type this without sobbing. Of course I feel guilt for not taking action sooner, even though there was probably no stopping whatever was spreading through his body. Believe me when I say I spent countless hours reading about his illnesses and doing whatever I could to help him, but somehow I still feel I didn't do enough.

I'm sorry if I have written too much, but I guess it is helpful to me. Right now all I can see his his poor little lifeless body as we got him into the carrier and how it all ended. I know we gave this cat a great life and were more than loving. I just don't know how to process this intense grief.

We opted to have him cremated and will get the remains back in a couple of weeks. Once the weather warms up, we plan to bury him beneath a lilac bush, where he spent a lot of time last summer. I want to plan something special for his final resting place, but right now, I'm not really sure what that might be.

Thank you for allowing me to vent and share what I know many of you can relate to.

RIP Apollo
"you're my boy blue"
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Delyte, Dark- Angel, at- Bridge

Me and my- person, together- against all
 
 
Purred: Mon Mar 17, '14 10:14am PST 
This is Delyte on the Bridge. We all welcomed Apollo here and he is pain-free and full of life, although he misses his family. We will all watch over you as you get through the shock and pain of his passing. Feel free to vent away on this forum--we have all gone through this at least once and we know how painful it is to lose a dear one, especially after a long illness. My person went through very much the same thing last year, and she still misses me terribly, even with the rest of the cats to distract her.

We are all purring for you. This is what Catster is for and we are so glad that it is still here for us. Purrs! hug cat on moon
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Apollo (In- Memory)

Love Ya

moderator
 
 
Purred: Mon Mar 17, '14 10:25am PST 
Yes, it's normal for you to have intense grief and sadness at this time. It will be 3 years that my Apollo went to the Bridge and I still miss him and his sister, and cry when I think of them.

We have a lot in common -- cats named Apollo who had littermate sisters; both Apollos going to the Bridge at 17 years of age after illnesses. We always feel that we could have done more and as our cats age we try to prepare ourselves for the inevitable day. Our mind is prepared, but our heart never is. It breaks every time. cry

We have to try to remember all the good times and memories and be comforted knowing that they had a full and happy life and made our life more happy, too. Whatever you do in rememberance of Apollo will help in your grief. Some people plant flowers or trees, release balloons on the wind, create a collage of pictures. And you can never write too much. Post as much and as long as you want. We'll be here, listening and understanding.

Know that he is always with you -- forever in your heart -- and believe that you will meet again at the Bridge.

Love ya!
Apollo
hughughughughughughughug

Edited by author Mon Mar 17, '14 10:28am PST



♥Kall- y- Kat♥

☆Diva- on- Demand☆
 
 
Purred: Mon Mar 17, '14 11:36am PST 
Kally Kat heyah, frown
Mommy tells me that I had 2 sisfurrs way before I came into her life!

She still cries & then, I see her tawkin to them looking at the beautiful photo mementos she made on a shelf side by side!

Losing a Pet is very much like losing one of yur babies.
It's very heavy & heartbreaking!

We feel that once you have gone throo the many stages of grief, then, you will be able to hold on all those wonderful memories!

You can make new memories by a Poem, Planting a pretty flowering bush as I have, made a Memorial Plaque of you litta one a special place to go to stay connected forever!

Juss you know that your furrbaby is safe up in ~Kitty Heavens~!
Free of pain, hurt & feeling juss so unhappy; it all will go away.

The moment the Angels came to lift his soul, spirits to a most wonderful place the Rainbow Bridge! rainbow

He is whole again & he will see you Mom from his earth window spreading sunshine angel dust all around you!

All in all, you feel however you need too!

We are all here hug to help you with your loss.

So many of us Catster Moms, Dads & guardians, are here, knows how this feels!
Catster is about giving much love, support like a family we are all together!

Remember, ♥Love is 4 - eva♥! big hug

Roll over green link!

Heart of colourful love!

Blessings goes out to you & his Sisfurr Isis! meditate meditate

Luvs & Purrs,
Kally Kat
♥♥
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Apollo (in- loving- memory)

136968
 
 
Purred: Mon Mar 17, '14 2:39pm PST 
Thanks for all of the responses. Just reading them makes me get all weepy again. It's hard when all of those everyday occurrences and routines suddenly stop, not to mention all of the constant reminders. He was a good boy. At some point, I will have to change his profile to reflect that he is gone (like the wings and stuff), but for now I can't deal with it. Thanks also for the ideas. Once I can think more clearly, I will start working on something to memorialize the little guy. Oh sigh.

By the way, is it acceptable to offer medications to others here or some place where I can donate them? It seems like a waste to just throw them out, and some were never even opened.

Thank you again, it really helps, and I am grateful.
~Stacy
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Lady

the queen
 
 
Purred: Mon Mar 17, '14 5:00pm PST 
Apollo's mommy, since he was part of your family, of course, it's normal to be acting and feeling this way. It's the people who say it's just a cat, are the ones that usually don't have no feelings. Many moons ago, my daddy PTS, his doggie when she was 15 and he still misses her. As for giving away your medicine, we do not see why you can offer it on Catsters, or just donated to a shelter. Take care.

Soft Purrs

Lady
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Alfie - Angel DB#14

Little Darling
 
 
Purred: Tue Mar 18, '14 3:45pm PST 
Yes it is normal to feel like you do. I know only too well what you are going through. Please don't beat yourself. I know that in your heart of hearts you know you did your very best.

I miss my two boys Alfie and Buzz they were my babies. I miss them terribly and still cry tears for them. It is so easy to blame yourself and question whether you did your best for them. I do it all the time. I still think Buzz would be here if I'd locked the catflap at night. I don't think I will every forgive myself.

Apollo had a wonderful life because of you. You should hold on to that thought.

I hope that Apollo is playing at the bridge with Alfie and Buzz all happy in the knowledge that they were truly loved.
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RW Angel- Kenji Muto- DB #101b

Meowmie's- Sunshine

moderator
 
 
Purred: Tue Mar 18, '14 8:04pm PST 
Yes, it first cat is normal! I lost my first cat, Kiki, due to mast cell cancer in April 2000. I have a picture of her and me together that was taken at Petsmart. For the next ten years until my Siamese male Nigel died in October 2010, I looked at that picture almost every night and most times I would cry. After Nigel went to the Bridge, I knew they were together again and Kiki has company, so I didn't look at the picture as much. Kinda like a relief. Kiki loved Nigel. Kenji came to me 7 weeks after Nigel passed. Kenji went to the Bridge last April 9, 2013, so it's almost a year. I miss him so much. He was born with a heart defect and he was only two years and 5 months when he passed away. Then we lost Isis, our 13-year-old tortie this past November. cry

Apollo (in- loving- memory)

136968
 
 
Purred: Wed Mar 19, '14 8:36am PST 
Thank you again for your comments. It has been 5 days, and I still cry, although trying to get a grip on myself. We went out to eat last night, and when we got home, not seeing him waiting at the door, which is what he always did, just made me sad again.

I have devoted my heart and soul to my cats. That may sound crazy, but it is where a significant portion of my time and energy has been focused for a long time, especially once Apollo began to need medication. I sacrificed a lot, but I would do it all again in a heart beat. I know I did the best I could.

So life goes on, and I just have to give his sisfur Isis more attention than she already gets. Thank you for sharing. I know this will all get easier with time.
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Tigger

Knead softly &- carry a big purr
 
 
Purred: Fri Mar 21, '14 2:19pm PST 
There are no words to fix your broken heart - but know that each day, you will remember more of the good memories, and less of the bad. Apollo will always be in your heart - love like that NEVER goes away. You did everything you could, and sadly sometimes there is nothing left to do. I think that is the hardest part. You final gift to him was letting him go, and that is a gift - he suffers no more. When you are ready, his page will be a source of comfort. Just know that we are all here for you - many of us know that pain, and are here to help. As far as his medicines, I think it is wonderful of you to think of others in his name. I would offer them to who may need them. If they are prescription, I am not sure if a shelter can take them, but if not, I am sure there are those on here that would appreciate them. I wish you peace, and wonderful dreams of your sweet kitty. Hugs & gentle pawtaps - The Kitty Quartet hughughughuglittle angel
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