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Timo's Tall Tales

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My Contract with Mom

November 11th 2011 5:50 am
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Well, it seems breakfast and supper are served an hour late around here now. Are they allowed to do that? Change the serving times on us like that? I need to find my contract and see if that is in there. You know that we all sign a contract before moving in with our humans, right? I think I signed mine when I was at the white coats a long time ago. I remember they had some paperwork out just before I fell asleep and some human was holding my paw too. So I guess I must have signed it. This was when I lost my front claws and I think I lost something else too. I just remember feeling different when I woke up. Not bad, just different. Calmer around girlcats for sure.

Anyway, back to my contract. If I remember correctly – and I might have dreamed this - the contract says that I, a cat, am to provide to the human(s):
• Warmth and snuggles when needed
• Comfort and purrs as much as needed
• Headbonks
• A listening ear when needed
• A happy disposition always
• I agreed to use my teeth and claws sparingly and never to cause any serious injury.
• I agreed to listen to whatever name the human chooses to call me.
• I am to allow the human to call me all kinds of cute pet names (*shudder* why is that in there).

In return the human will provide to me:
• Food as much as needed
• A warm place to sleep
• A litter box
• Protection from danger
• Healthcare
• Belly rubs and chin scritches on command
• Reasonable amount of playtime
• Will always look out for my best interests and never, ever abandon me, even when I’m old.

I think I had them put that last clause in there because the last humans I had, before this Mom, they actually abandoned me when they had to move. I think this is a pretty good contract. The woofers usually have more complicated contracts. They have to do all kinds of stuff. Now I need to find my contract and see if there are set food serving times in the fine print.

Off to look through Mom’s paperwork,


Coloring a bird and I might run for Major

November 16th 2011 11:08 am
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Oooh, there is a contest in the mewspaper. You color a turkey bird and you can win prizes. The deadline is today. I have to hurry and finish my bird. They have three different CATogories:
under 5 years
6-8 years
and 9-12 years.
I'm 8, so I can purrticipate.

Also in today's mews: You just gotta love Iowa. The people in a small town in Iowa (not our town) elected a new major. Only problem, the major had passed away 5 days before the election. Everybody knew that he wasn't around anymore but they elected him anyway for sentimental reasons. I think I might run for major at the next election. If they can elect a major who is already in heaven, then they can elect a cat too.

First orders of business:
Close our dog park, Yay.
STRICT enforcement of our leash law for dogs. If you don't keep your woofer on a leash, you'll be sentenced to scooping dog-poop for a week.



DDP and Mom is going away

November 17th 2011 6:51 am
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Whoo Heee. I'm a DDP today. Thank you so much, Diary Girl.
See Tabbies - If you write about a turkey bird you get a DDP.

Thank you to Teddy Bearz and Big Harry who made lovely pictures for me. Teddy Bearz also sent me a blue ribbon. I'll wear that for sure. It gives me the distinguished look I need when I'm running for major. I'm considering if I should run, because a small town in Iowa just elected a dead man as major. I think I would be a better choice.

Teddy Bearz might be my campaign manager. Oh and talking about my pawsome new friend Teddy Bearz, please keep purring for him. He needs your purrs. THAT'S ALL I WANT FOR MY DDP. Keep you zealies please. Just purr for him. Thanks. He commented on my last diary entry. You can click on his picture there and get to his page.

Mom is going to work in a minute and then tonight she will watch 'Wicked' and come home late. I have no idea why she wants to watch something Wicked. And tomorrow she'll have a long day at work. They have a seminar and stuff and lots to do. So she'll let me back on here eventually for my Thank You's. After she's done being busy.

Have a great day everypurr. It's cold in Iowa, 23 degree.
your TK


It'll be Christmas in 12 days !!

December 1st 2011 6:43 pm
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Whoopee only 12 more days 'til it's Christmas!
No, make that 11. I won something at Newman's "The 12 Days of Christmas giveaway" because I bought his Poopology book. You know, the funny one with all the stuff about poopies. Anyway, I'm winner number one, so only 11 more days and it'll be Christmas. If you bought the book you'll be entered automatically in the drawing.

Newman dude, feel free to put a link to your book in the comments so that my friends can win too. Mom has no patience with links on Catster.

Thank you very much for the present, Newman. You rock! I think I won a toy. Mietzi thinks the winners are MIETZI and Timo. That must be a mistake. Mietzi didn't even read the book yet. I read it. I hope the toy has nip in it.

Poop on.

Pee Es: another sure sign that it'll be Christmas very soon is, today we had a few of them little white things falling from the sky. Not many. Not enough to cover the ground. What is that again? Oh ya, I remember from last year. They are cold and wet if you step on them.


Mom is going under water!

December 22nd 2011 5:07 am
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see Mietzi's diary please about Mom getting totally, completely WET *shudder*


There's a Burd on my Tree

December 23rd 2011 9:55 am
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So like Mietzi reported, Mom was gonna spend more time with the Lord because she just committed her life to following Him and I understand. I mean, we know the Lord. He's the one who made us and we spend time with Him too. Do you really think we're sleeping all the time when our eyes are closed? Sometimes we do, but sometimes we are praying for our friends and reflecting on what a wonderful life He has given us. I found the purrfect solution for Mom's time management problem! It's easy. She just has to get up earlier. Mietzi will help her accomplish that. Mietzi is a good alarm clock (the girl can be so annoying when she wants something). There. Problem solved.

Now to my Burd News. There is a Burd in my wonderpurr Christmas tree!!!
A big, red Cardinal. Up until now our tree was burd free. We have three cats sitting in the tree. They are nice. A Purrsian, a Meezer (my favorite) and a Tabby. Now Mom hung the burd in the tree. He was a present from a co-worker. That co-worker must not like Mom, giving her a burd. Mom likes the Cardinal. She says it's her favorite burd. I have to keep a close eye on him now. Knowing burds he's going to kaka all over our nice tree. I tried to get him out. I was standing on my hind legs and had one paw up on a branch as high as I can reach but Mom caught me and said I'm a bad boy and I'm NOT to touch the tree or Santa won't bring me anything.

May the burd fall out of the tree soon. May your tree always be burd-free.


He is here!

December 24th 2011 5:25 pm
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For unto us a Child is born;
Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon His shoulder.
And His name will be called
Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of His government and peace
There will be no end.
Upon the throne of David and over His Kingdom,
To order it and establish it with judgment and justice
From that time forward, even forever.
The zeal of the Lord of hosts will perform this.

Thank you Lord Jesus for coming to us, and living among us.
All this to save us.

Glory to God in the highest,
And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!

Merry Christmas


About cream and stirring up anger

December 28th 2011 2:07 pm
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Found this cat-related item in Mom's big book. The one that's laying on the coffee table and she has her nose in it every day:
As the beating of cream yields butter
and striking the nose causes bleeding,
so stirring up anger causes quarrels.

In other cat related news:
"Police dog helps nab man after chase"
Whoo hoo. You go Canine. Good work. This is the sixth time this guy has been arrested this year. He thought he could outrun a Police doggy. Nope. He got bit in the ankle too. The man, not the dog.

Copycatright - Des Moines Register, 12/28/2011

The moral of the story:
The man should not have stirred up anger in the Police dog. He should have instead just stirred cream. Much safer.


The Bacon Fest is sold out!!

January 1st 2012 5:47 pm
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Happy New Year from me also.
While Mietzi reported on trivial stuff, like doing squat or not doing squat, I need to inform you about the important news.

The 5th Annual Bacon Fest is sold out!!! Sorry, all 4,000 tickets were snatched up in only 25 minutes. If you want to try to sneak in to the Des Moines Bacon Fest, be at my house on February 18th at 11:00 a.m. central time, and I'll distract the ticket taker. Wear something that blends in, OK?


Today is National BURD DAY

January 5th 2012 7:13 pm
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Oh my gosh. I had no idea. Mom saw it on that FB thingy. Today is national BURD day. Quick. Help me think. How should we celebrate this occasion?

I'm thinking a big, juicy turkey maybe? Nope, takes too long to make.

We need a burd! How can I celebrate national burd day without a burd in the house? I know cats who have finches and parakeets and fun things like that. Why can't we have burds, Mom?

I know. I can finally get that burd off the Christmas tree. Yes, it's still sitting up there. Yes, we still have the tree up. Mom says they usually leave it up 'til January 6 in Germany because that's Three Kings Day. You know. The three kings from the east who brought presents to baby Jesus. I love our tree. I bat at it sometimes. I'm happy that it's still up. Yes, I will remove my Christmas music off this page, eventually.

Need to take a nap now and dream about burds.
Peep, Peep

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