You're the One For Me, Catty

Where's the good stuff?

This morning I woke my human up at 3 a.m. She was sleeping on the couch. I usually sleep on her feet when she's on the couch, but this morning I decided to sleep on the top half of her pillow. Then, this hunger overtook me. I haven't been eating well. My human thinks that she can push dry crap on me when she snacks on chicken soup and turkey cold cuts. Where's the good, wet stuff?

I patted my human's head gently with my paw. She didn't respond. Then, her hair got tangled in my claw. It was an accident, I swear. She woke up and went to her bedroom.

I hate it when she sleeps in her bed. I can't see her from the floor. If I jump on to the bed, there's no telling if she'll let me stay there. Sure, she only seems to push me off or hit me with her pillow after I've put my paws over her closed eyes, but I don't hurt her. Not in awhile.

By 4 a.m., I couldn't stand it. She was still sleeping and I was still hungry. Then, I got an idea-- I'll scratch the carpet! That didn't seem to work. It usually does, but she just didn't react. I went underneath the bed for a nap.

At 5 a.m., that's when I reached my last straw. I jumped on the bed and poked her, but she just pushed me off the bed. I went to the kitchen to meow at someone, anyone who would listen.

At 5:30 a.m., I heard blankets ruffle. Finally! She headed towards the fridge! Fancy Feast, yea!

6:00 a.m. - Wait, she went back to sleep? Why does she do that? I meowed, but she didn't come back. I sat at the foot of her bed, but she didn't move. So, I scratched the carpet again. That got her attention. She got up, grabbed that horrible water bottle and sprayed me good. Well, I wouldn't scratch the carpet again, but I wouldn't leave her alone either...

6:30 a.m. - I pretended that I was going to scratch the carpet. One little pluck... Then, she bolted up from her bed, but I was already out the door. Ha! No proof!

7:00 a.m. - I was under her bed, waiting for her to get up. Her alarm usually goes off by now with that awful country music. Why does she listen to that?

7:15 a.m. - Finally! She headed to the kitchen, picked up my food bowl and washed it. She put it back down on the floor, but it only had that dry crap in it. I glared at her and walked away. She never gets it.

8:00 a.m. - Out the door. Finally, I can get some sleep. She better come back.

What's she planning?

My human has been acting funny. I heard her say words like "cat boarding place" on the phone while looking at me sideways. Well, maybe I've been acting a little anxious myself. I don't know why she gets so worked up about me scratching the carpet, or sticking my nose in her ear while she's sleeping. Yesterday, I decided to play it smooth, to gather more information.

First, I slept on her feet while she napped on the couch. I didn't paw at her at all. Then, I ate the new dry crap that she got me. She saw that I was eating it, but later gave me Fancy Feast. I played with her while she waved my favorite wand, and I didn't scratch the carpet once! Well, maybe I still scratched it a couple of times, but one of the times she yelled, "No!' to me, then saw that I was only trying to catch a small cockroach. Ha! Who's moded now?

I used my scratching posts, and every time I did, she pet me on the head. Sometimes I don't like her grubby human paws on me, but she gave me treats after I used my new scratching pad.

Then, this morning, I let her sleep in. I didn't jump on her bed at all. I was hungry, though, and a cat's still got to do something. I went underneath her bed, right underneath her head and purred loudly. She got up and filled my bowl, then went back to sleep. I only complained once, but I didn't jump on her.

So, now that I'm lulling her with my sweet cat routine, I'm sure she's bound to slip up.

I can't believe she's doing this to me

After being fed a can of Fancy Feast and lots of cooing from my human, she locked me up in a kennel and took me on a joyride. She took me to this place that looked like a human's house, but I knew better. It was a cat prison! She left me there for seven days. Granted, I didn't have to stay in a cage, but I was still locked in a room no bigger than my human's walk-in closet. While I was there, I wasn't allowed to eat all the food my human usually feeds me.

Now, I'm back home, but my human has been feeding me small portions of dry crap. She thinks I need to lose weight. She didn't seem to think that I needed to watch my weight before, when she was feeding me whenever I meowed at her or tripped her over while walking to the kitchen. I haven't had a can of Fancy Feast in ages!

I've been trying new things on my human. There's the old habits I have, like scratching the carpet and putting my paws over her eyes, but now I really know how to get her out of bed. Last night I jumped and landed on her chest, and she bolted up fast! She took awhile to get up, gasping for air. Is she trying to make some point about my weight? Then, she finally went to my food bowl. There was still food left in there from midnight, because she's trying to change my feeding time to midnight, but I don't want to eat then. She picked up my bowl, did something to it, then put it back down. She thinks she can fool me. I know she didn't put more food in it. I circled around her legs and tried to resist, but then I gave up and just ate the dry crap.

I'm just a cat, after all.

My human's up to her tricks again

I celebrated my 5th birthday a couple of days ago. My human didn't give me anything special to eat. She's been feeding me this dry crap because she still thinks I need to lose weight. I don't see why it's a big deal. I can still leap up four feet on to the back rest of my human's chair. She uses me as a head rest when I sit there, but then I start poking her with one of my claws and she gets fussy. I am not a human head rest. My human sometimes says to me, "I am not a cat bed," but I don't know what she's talking about when she says that.

On my birthday, my human took my torture cage out of the closet and placed it on the floor with the door open. She'll take it out sometimes to freak me out. Other times she'll take it out and then leave it around for a few days. Then, when she thinks I don't know what she's up to, she grabs me and traps me in the cage. I put up a good fight, though. If she's not careful and leaves the bedroom door open, I run underneath the bed. Try to get me out from there! Ha!

On the rare occasion that I do get trapped in the torture cage, she walks me next door to a place that smells of ruffled cats and dogs. The moment I smell it, I can't help but meow and gag. The human she takes me to see is called a "DVM," whatever that is. I call him Dr. Evil. He does things like stick cotton swabs in my ears and brushes my teeth. I was there only a month ago, when he cut my nails because my human can't get me to cooperate. I think it's cheating for humans to gang up on cats to cut their nails or give them medicine. It should be one on one. Mano a gato.

She can't be taking me there again, or could she?

She did it again

My human set her alarm this morning. She doesn't normally do that on a Saturday, so I thought something was up. I was sleeping on her bed near her feet. She got up and turned off the alarm, then got back into bed, so I thought she just forgot to turn off the alarm the night before. I went back to sleep.

About 20 minutes later, she got out of bed again, but I didn't follow her right away. While she was in the bathroom, I couldn't help myself and needed to know what she was doing. I went to stand outside the bathroom door. When she got out of the bathroom, she closed the door behind her. Then she closed the bedroom door. She only does that when she's going to do one thing.

I was sleepy, so I didn't put up much of a fight. She stuffed me into the torture cage, chuckling. I'll get her later at 4 a.m. tonight, when she pleads, "Let me sleeeep." See how she feels then.

She took me to Dr. Evil's office, but I didn't have to see him. Instead, one of his minions gave me a shot. I didn't like that. It was over quickly and now my human makes me wear a shiny new gold tag that says "Rabies" something or another.

I've been pretty mellow today, but I'm just plotting for the future. Watch out.

Will somebody stop the noise?

My human's neighbors have been moving all day and it's really noisy. I can't say I'll miss them. On one of my rare jaunts outside, the matron human neighbor clapped her hands at me when I passed by her door. I wasn't even doing anything. I was sniffing around, enjoying the fresh air. My human called me back into our home and cuddled me.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow night when humans celebrate the "New Year." Last year, it was so noisy I hid underneath the bed for hours. Granted, I'd only left the orphanage two days before. I don't know why humans get all excited about a particular day. They're all the same, really. I don't even know how to read a calendar. All that matters to me is I get fed, have a warm place to sleep, and that my human knows who's boss around here.

And now a word from the human...

Juliet is currently busy attacking a bundle of straw that I tied together for her enjoyment. She tackles it, claws at it, carries it in her paws, puts it her mouth--all while doing somersaults, leaps, and 10-point dismounts.

I live next door to Juliet's vet clinic and it warms my heart whenever I see Dr. Evil's truck still parked there at 9:30 p.m. I even saw him there on New Year's Eve around 10 p.m., walking a dog. Juliet's claws are getting kind of long and I think she needs another weight checkup soon...

Nobody likes trapped cats...

...except sadistic humans. My human has been acting strange lately. That's not unusual for her, but she's been moving boxes around. She bought a new black bag that looked like a regular human clothes bag. She left it on the living room floor and I could tell something was wrong. She tried to stuff me in there, but I refused. I ran underneath her bed and didn't come out for hours. She ignored me, and when I realized that, I had to go find her and sit next to her. She didn't try to stuff me in the bag again.

The next day, the black bag was still on the floor, but I didn't pay much attention to it. My human went off to work and came back ten hours later. I was waiting by the front door when she opened it. I was hungry and I just woke up from a nap. She picked me up and hugged me, like she was glad to see me. Then, she stuffed me in the black bag before I could resist. "Ha, ha, gotcha," she said. The jerk. She left me in there for ten minutes, trying to get me to stand up and turn around in it. What am I? A circus performer? Then she let me out and fed me. I guess it wasn't so bad.

The bag's still on the floor, though. What's going on?

I'm never going through that again

For the last month, I have been living in a place called "California." My human stuffed me into that new duffel bag looking carrier and took me on an airplane. I didn't enjoy that. It was noisy and cold, and I just wanted to go home. When we arrived in California, my human handed me off to her sibling and went back to Texas. Now, my human is back and she seems to be staying, as she's brought all of these things I remember from our place in Texas. I like the new place in California. It's bright and there are lots of windows where I can sit and watch birds. Mostly, I like to sleep in the new soft bed that my human's sibling bought for me. I also like to attack little objects on the floor and to be fed promptly.

I guess life isn't that different here.

At last, my talent is recognized

Thank you Catster, for making my diary a feature of the day. I have to admit that I'm not a big fan of the Internet. It's an excuse for humans to waste time that would be better served paying attention to cats. When my human is on her computer, I walk across her keyboard whenever I feel like it. When she's away, though, I'll jot down some of my thoughts on my web pages and order things online.

Today, I spent a lot of time outside. Back in Texas, my human didn't like it when I was outside. I usually would escape when she wasn't careful, and she doesn't like it when I outsmart her. It's not that hard to outsmart a human, though. She was heading out the backdoor today and I ran out underneath her feet. She just grunted and went to her car, where she spent an hour cleaning something in it. I wandered up and down our staircase and stalked some birds. Every now and then she would call me, and I would give my obligatory meow to her, but I wouldn't go near her. I don't like her car, and I can't trust her not to stuff me in it to take me somewhere.

My hair is changing color from all of the sunlight I'm getting in our new home. My human calls me "California Kitty" now. My highlights are coming out. I'm a pretty cat. "A pretty annoying cat," my human would say. She thinks she's so clever.

My human's sibling doesn't seem to know that my human has been keeping me on a dry crap diet. Yesterday she gave me salmon, beef, and bacon. It was delicious! Today I meowed and meowed at my human, but she said to me, "Your auntie may give you those things, but not me." Jerk.

Getting older

My human thinks about getting older all the time. I think it's a boring subject. Anything that makes my human spend time thinking about something that isn't about pleasing me is a boring subject. Look at me. My golden cat years are still far ahead. I'm not the little kitten I used to be, but dangle something stringy and shiny in front of me and I'll chase it for hours. That's because I don't take attitudes like, "I'm too old for that." Actually, I don't take any attitude at all. It's instinct that I must catch that shiny object! Then, I resume napping in order to save my strength to live a long life, as long as my human doesn't forget to feed me.

What's with this daylight saving stuff?

My human fed me an hour later than she usually does this morning. She did this odd thing of going around and changing the clocks in every room before she went to bed. I don't need a clock to tell me when I should be fed. I just need opposable thumbs to open the cabinet and food container.

A few days ago was "Halloween," and my human carved my silhouette into a pumpkin. She put a candle inside the pumpkin and it cast a big shadow on the wall. It looked just like me. She also told me horror stories, like the one about the curious cat who annoyed her human. One day, the cat was taken away and she was never heard from again. I couldn't sleep at all that night, and I spent the night walking up and down my human's bed.

It's chilly this morning. I'm going back to bed.

The things I have to endure

My human gets this strange compulsion to pet me every time she passes by me. Whenever I'm sleeping, which is about 90% of the time, she has to stop and pet me and ruffle my ears. Then she rubs my neck and taps my chin.

Then, when all I want is to get dinner in my bowl, she picks me up and squeezes me before she feeds me. Sometimes, it becomes gratuitous torture. She'll bounce me up and down in her arms. Then she'll put me down and ruffle my ears before she feeds me.

Yesterday, when she was trying to take a nap, I let her know how it feels to be disturbed. I tapped her chin with my paw, and when she didn't respond, I licked her eyelid. She said, "Eww..." Now she knows how I feel every time she puts her grubby human hands on me.

Of course, if she stops paying attention to me, I have to find out why and bug her.

Who is this bloke?

A cat that takes the bus? I prefer to stay away from moving vehicles, thank you.

I'll never tell

My human came home two nights ago and found me outside the front door. She had been gone for 14 hours, and I was really hungry. She can't figure out, though, why I was outside. I have my own cat sized door on the back door, but she locked it because she didn't want me to go outside. She inspected my door and saw that the lock latch wasn't completely engaged, but she pushed on the door and it wouldn't open. Did I get outside through that door?

She swears that she didn't let me outside when she left in the morning, but she knows I'm quick and sneaky. She did have to carry a bunch of different things out the door that morning. Did I get outside that way?

None of the windows were open, except for one window that was cracked open a few inches. That window has a screen and leads to a twenty foot drop, anyway. Did I get outside through that window?

I'll never tell.

Where's the furniture?

My human is up to her tricks again. The furniture has disappeared, including all of the things I like to sleep on. Where are all the chairs? Where's my favorite rug? My human talks about "moving the hardest thing last" constantly as things around me keep disappearing. She put a towel and the funny looking duffel bag on the floor a couple of days ago and said something like, "Nothing happening here. Nothing to worry about." I recognize that duffel bag from somewhere... At least I have a towel to sit on, since everything soft is gone.

My human bought me new things

My human bought me a new collar. I didn't care much for the old collar. Whenever my human freed me from it, I would grab it and bite it. I made it as fuzzy and dirty as I could. Of course, if my human was freeing me from it, I immediately suspected something was up. Sometimes she just wanted to rub my neck. Other times, she'd drop me in the bathtub.

My new collar is softer and apparently makes me cuter. I hardly notice it's there. My human also bought me a new comb, and she's been giving me daily brushing. My hair looks nice and pretty.